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I logically know what to do to get myself up and going but...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by stuck_in_limbo, Sep 16, 2007.

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  1. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I'm really not that bad off. I could have a few more friends, but I'm not totally alone. I have opportunities and hobbies at my disposal to make myself feel better. I have a therapist who really is caring, though lately I'm questioning if she really knows what I need. But I have resources for help. Yet still, I keep coming back to this point where I feel like a useless member of society, a piece of crap and -- just down for no apparent reason. I might have been documented with slight depression at some point, but nothing major or severe -- I can function well enough to be on my own. There are things I think I want, but I just can't seem to get in touch with them in my mind.

    Is there something I'm really missing beyond my grasp of understanding, or do I just need a huge kick in the butt?
  2. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    i dont know whether to laugh or cry, this is ME! its a vicious cycle, you need to do something in order to feel better but youre feeling so crap you arent motivated to do anything. let me tell you logic and emotions just dont go together!
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sheesh it was me too :sad:
  4. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I don't mean to be argumentative when you guys are trying to be helpful (sometimes a sign that I'm really not looking for help and enjoy the muck I let happen) but I don't think this is going to pass. On one hand, each day is a new day and a new opportunity, I understand that -- logically. But I see the pattern of my behavior and in spite of triumphs of overcoming adversity here and there, I always come back to this point where I can't deal with life and get so negative on myself that I act and feel crazy. It's been like this for 17 years, and I really don't see how I can break out of that cycle. I have an addictive personality (wonder where I got that from, he said sarcastically...) and I don't have enough will power or energy to break out of it. This is all made worse by a friend I have who really does care and understand. I mean, I should feel fortunate to have an empathetic soul in my life, but at the same time I feel more pressure to get my act together now, and I've put a shorter leash on myself before I berate myself for messing up. If I killed myself, this person would be very upset, but I just don't feel like I belong in this world. There's proof right there, in fact. If I can't accept love from one of a few people I've ever met willing to show it to me, I'll never let myself be happy and I don't deserve to live.

    Unfortunately, I just wind up isloating myself, curling up in a ball and living in my head getting nothing accomplished. Instead I should be improving my life or ending it: either option would be acceptable.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2007
  5. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    yeah... but i kinda like these little fantasies ive got going in my head!

    for me ending it is not an option and i dont know how to improve it!

    it might not pass but at least they can help us cope w/ it, stick around, who knows...
  6. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    I feel like this most of the time, heck, all the time. Probably since childhood. But we'll all be out of the world b4 long regardless.

    I guess in a million years it won't matter whether we die 60 years sooner or not. But it'd make a heck of a lot of difference NOW to the people around us.

    Anyway, I may as well piddle around with whatever opportunities this world has to offer as I put in my alloted time here. I've got plenty of time to be dead. I'll get around to it later. I've got more farts to do here.
  7. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I know you're all correct about my time here on earth, and I appreciate your concern. If I weren't so self-involved and indulgent in my negativity I'd take heed. Not that that's an excuse. But I feel -- not even low, that's what I used to feel in my 20's when I thought everything bad was actively happening to me. Now that I realize that I'm responsible for my attitude, yet still not doing enough about it, I just don't feel much at all except the need to hide. But the shit will hit the fan when everything I need to take care of in life will catch up to me. That's why I should die now -- before that all happens.

    I am such a shithead -- go ahead, censor that, I don't care, but it's true. I got to just get myself in a haze somehow and not feel any natural fear or anything when I lie down on those train tracks. I don't care, I just don't care. My existance here is not dissimilar to a potted plant. Hope I'm not here tomorrow to read this...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2007
  8. joyless56

    joyless56 Member

    Every word you've written is true for me.

    When someone says here, "if you tried you could"... or, "you must not want it yet"... I pile another ton of guilt on myself...hell yes, I must not actually want to feel better. I must want, in some sick way, to live this like I am.

    But piling on the guilt is my natural way of being. I don't know how to stop. I've gone to therapists or counselors since I was 22 - 29 years. I've paid thousands of dollars to see a psychiatrist and for prescriptions. I've sat in hours of therapy. I try to buy into what they say 110%...inner child, affirmations, yada yada. I went to AA to quit drinking; dove in headfirst - before you know it I was chairing meetings, people were asking me to sponsor them. Then I realized the 'happy, joyous and free" promise didn't apply to me. What was the sense in staying sober?

    Sorry. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.
  9. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    Well, joyless56, all I have to say is, I give you all the credit and admiration in the world for working the Twelve Steps and becoming sober. That is the hardest thing in the world to do. I've seen what alcohol can do to people, and having to overcome my own issues stemming from a loved-one's alcoholism is part of what I've been writing about. My tendency to resort to self-destructing behavior is what I have to overcome.
  10. ZeroGrrl

    ZeroGrrl Member

    stuck_in_limbo, there were so many things I recognised in your post, it nearly spooked me.
    I too, wonder often if all I need is a huge kick in the butt. I have been looking around this forum
    for a couple of days before posting, and some of the things I've read make wonder how I dare feel sorry for myself.....and like you, I do actually have someone who cares for me, who is willing to listen, who puts up with any crap I put his way.... and still I can feel no love. What the f is wrong with me? I despair of my coldness towards people.
    I too have an addictive personality (dad is an alcoholic so it runs in the family) but I'd sooner see myself flying to the moon than overcoming my problems. They're so deeply embedded in my personality I really cannot see any way I'm ever going to change, not at my age anyway (38)
    So then what's left? I'm not in anybody's way I think (hope) but I don't contribute anything towards society. I just exist, but nothing productive ever comes out of my hands. I used to try to change my life, but I've been knocked down so many things I prefer to keep on lying down now.
    So what do I do, carry on until one day the way I've abused my body will catch up with me and I'll get struck down by some awful illness? Or do I take matters into my own hands before that time? :lost:
  11. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    Well, ZG, I have to say I was equally as struck by the similarities of our situations. I'm about your age (37) and I also grew up with an alcoholic father. I hate to actually label him as such, but I never knew him any other way -- I never knew him as sober. He passed away in 1990, so one would think that in 17 years I'd be able to suck it up and get my act together. Unfortunately, because of the situation, I never really got much knowledge about the outside world. Education was high on my parents' list of lectures, but nothing about the social or sexual culture. I suppose since I could never imagine my father helping himself when he was alive (it was just a steady decline) it's hard to believe I could do the same with my version of self-destruction. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. But I feel very guilty much of the time as if I have been doing something wrong, or just nothing at all, which, with my sense of putting pressure and expectation on myself, is just as bad as doing something wrong. I hide myself and sleep a lot just my father did.

    You're right. I see a lot of people on this forum who need a lot of assistance and love, but who's to say that we don't need maybe just a little bit of that love ourselves? I think we just need to learn how to accept it -- starting with ourselves. I know that's easy for me to write and not follow through on, I know. But we can't be SO bad, can we? I mean, I understand that feeling that everything we put ourselves down for is deeply "embedded" in because of how long we've been doing it. But there is something else in there, right? There is a sense of identity and esteem for who we really are somewhere down there, right? It's just scary to get in touch with because of the expectations we would -- well, I guess I should really speak for myself and see if you agree -- the expectations that I would have for the my real sense of self. I grew up with many people telling me I was highly intelligent and creative, but I just accepted the fact as if it were inbred, and never really developed those abilities. I still feel today I can do something really creative -- and to be fair, I have done little things here and there -- but really, I think the point is, I have to be willing to accept myself just as a person, just as who I am, forget any accomplishments or lack there of. That's pretty hard. As I said, looking down right now at my body and seeing the entity that is me exisiting, I just don't see much. I take up as much space as a filing cabinet, and frankly, that might as well be here in my place and the world would be none the wiser.

    But sayings things like that I know isn't going to help. I know keeping negative thoughts at bay helps with my attitude, but does it really make me believe I'm worth while? You can probably sense the struggle in this reply.

    Anyway, ZG, when you say you "feel no love", do you mean you can't return it, or can't accept it? If you really feel that you have an understanding, empathetic, caring guy there, then I would hope you could stay together as long as you care for him. Showing him love makes you relevant, but receiving it is just as important for the both of you. Again, I know easier said than done.

    Just curious, have you ever been to Al-Anon? It works for some; better for others. But it's worth a shot if you've never tried. There are a lot of dynamics from growing up with an alcoholic that shape us. That's not to try and lay blame -- it's just the truth of the situation. As children of alcoholics, we need to get our lives in order, and in our cases, especially get out of that frame of mind that we are to blame for all the chaos that went on around us. I think that's why we feel bad about ourselves -- there's that sense that we're somehow responsible for everything going on around us, and we can't control everything, making us feel helpless and useless.

    Again, I know I should practice what I preach, and indeed maybe I'll keep a copy of this letter to remind myself that there is -- theoretically -- a sense of hope out there. I always feel compelled to try and look at things this way when I hear of someone else who is feeling down and is going through the family disease that is alcoholism. But I have to help myself before I save the world. Still, I want to let you know that I understand what it's like to grow up in that situation and that you're not alone in how you feel. Guess that's it for now.
  12. ZeroGrrl

    ZeroGrrl Member

    My sense of self-esteem is non-existent. I have this one friend who cares for me, and I spend a huge portion of our time together questioning why he wants to know me or spend time with me. That's not just being akward on purpose other (which I often get accused of, people tell me to lighten up and just enjoy life and all that comes with it) I genuinely do not understand why anyone would want to be friends with someone as useless as me.
    You are right about these feelings being deeply embedded, but really, I cannot imagine ever feeling different about myself. People can tell me a million times that I look ok, or that I'm not a bad person, and I just will not believe them.
    I try to, but it's like there is this filter I have in my head which stops all positive comments.

    My dad actually took me to an Al-Anon meeting once, but I just didn't feel at ease with all those people there. I listened to what other people had to say, and it was a very emotional experience, but if I would have kept going, I would never have contributed in any meaningful way.
    The thing is, I feel very guilty for even contemplating the thought that my dad's alcoholism is responsible for me being the way I am. He is not a bad person, he was never abusive when he was drunk, and he has tried so hard to overcome his problems.

    I can't accept love, and I can't return it either. I can't understand how anyone can love me, and I can't understand how anyone can feel good when I say or do something nice to them - after all I'm not exactly a person whose words or actions mean a lot.
    My problem also is that I can think the world of someone one minute, and hate them the next. You know that feeling where you can just totally not understand what you ever saw in that person ; every little feeling you had for them is gone.

    Sorry this is so short but I will get in touch with you
  13. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    Regarding your concern for contributing in Al-Anon: nobody there would expect or force you to talk until you were ready to do so. They understand from personal experience that it takes time to feel comfortable enough until one feels ready to contribute. Just listening to other members for a while could be an enlightening experinece. Perhaps you might see that many family members of alcoholics feel the same reservation about "blaming" them. Again, one does not have to place responsibility for all their problems on the alcoholic. It's more of a matter of accepting the situation at home for what it is, and then focusing on what you could do for yourself in the moment. The program really is about recovery for you as the relative -- twelve steps for your own recovery.

    I think you could give Al-Anon another shot. It couldn't hurt.

    Honestly, I felt very sad about how bad you feel about yourself. The fact that you're aware of your feelings and are trying to find some way to deal with them in an open forum shows me that you want to connect honestly with others, that you have a sense of empathy (for your father, e.g.), and ultimately that you are a good person.

    I wish I knew what it is that makes you feel so unworthy. You made it very clear about how you feel about yourself. Again, I don't totally buy that you could be SO bad from the sense I get about you as a person (yes, a real. live, caring PERSON.) I just don't know why you feel the way you do. It may be very personal and you can't write it publicly, and if so, I understand that.

    I hope you can cut yourself just a little bit of slack. I know it's not easy from personal experience. For the reason I mentioned from my last post, I feel responsible for a lot that goes on around me, and it's hard to loosen the grasp I have on my mental control to try and keep life's anxieties at bay -- even if it means to hide myself and make myself feel bad for doing so.

    So I'm probably not the best person to talk to about self-esteem. But I hope you believe that I understand what you're feeling. I know the harm I'm doing myself, so I really hate to see someone else do it to themselves. Hang in there ZG -- you're really not the "Z" part of your name anyway.
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