I look forward to nothing.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Will Vokins, Oct 23, 2010.

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  1. Will Vokins

    Will Vokins Member

    Hey, my names will. I'm 15 years old, I have a level 9 Bipolar Disorder, Insomnia and Syatica. I just want to end it. Having Syatica has deprived me of comfort and sleep for the past 2 years which has developed into a serious case of Insomnia. I'm doing nothing good, and am always hurting the people around me. I don't want to be with my girlfriend because I'm afraid I'll hurt her. I love her so damn much. I hate weekends. It's just more time for me to think about suicide scenarios and maybe even try out a couple. there must be so much solvent in my system the amount of times I have tried. I just want to end it here, before I continue to hurt people who I really love.

    I just hate my life.



    I also have an ICP (Impulse Control Problem).
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Will and it is sad you have to deal with so much...but please do not protect people instead of getting the caring you deserve...people make their own decisions about what to give...about doing nothing good, is there something you can do online that you might enjoy? or are there places to go where you will feel better? I have found that doing things takes the bite out of weekends (which I do not like either)...please let us know how you are doing and know there are many people here who can relate to what you have said...welcome again, J
  3. Will Vokins

    Will Vokins Member

    I'm 15. This is more than I can handle. I've found Interest in programming and graphics, but nothing Special. I just want to be left alone. Yesterday I spent seven hours crying and staring into the darkness of my room Until I finally fell asleep at 8PM. Everything good has an end. And my BPD pushes a negative though into my mind ever 27 seconds (according to my doctor).
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If you like programming and graphics, find something workable for you to do...what is the worst that can happen? you spend time doing something other than crying (and Lord knows I have cried like that many times)...you are NOT your disabilities or your illnesses...you are a valuable, and seems, talented person...see who that person is...J
  5. Will Vokins

    Will Vokins Member

    That person Is pulled back. Insomnia is denying me an Education. Syatica is hurting right now, and I will have a bad back & neck tomorrow. My girlfriend adores me, but I'm worried I'll lash out. I almost strangled her best friend last week when my ICP Kicked in.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is no wonder you feel so enraged...and yes, you have to find other ways to express it...strangling someone (almost) won't work...try to see if there is anything else you can find to do...J
  7. Will Vokins

    Will Vokins Member

    I appreciate the thoughts, Sadeyes, But It's a lot harder than it sounds.
  8. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    You have girlfriend? I'm so Jealous. If you do not want her, can I have her instead. You should be counting your blessings instead of whining about it.

    Maybe you are afraid that she might be hurt if you talked to her. I can understand the feeling. Fear of rejecting is a powerful motivation. But if you start keeping secrets from her then is she really your girlfriend or just someone you know. Why don't you ask her to set up some goals for you. then you will have something to aim for in life.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Everything is harder than it sounds...especially, finding something worthy in the middle of the storm...keep trying...you will find something...J
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I don't agree. It's good to count your blessings, but I don't think he's just whining here. Along with his girlfriend would you also want
    - Syatica
    - Insomnia
    - Level 9 Bipolar Disorder
    - ADHD
    - Impulse Control Problem (ICP) ??

    Probably not. He has real and legitimate problems.

    ok, so I say this a lot, but I would recommend acupuncture to you, especially for the scyatica. Useful for the others too, but the scyatica especially.

    You do have some serious problems, but there are things that you can do that can really help.
  11. Deanna

    Deanna Active Member

    No, I don't think you're just whining! My husband has schizophrenia and sciatica, and insomnia because of the sciatica. The stress from the insomnia and physical pain can trigger psychotic episodes, so it's a vicious circle... In other words, I think I understand a little bit of what you must be going through... but I agree with the advice that finding something you enjoy doing, and feel passionate about may really help take your mind off the physical and emotional pain, at least for a couple of hours every day.

    You only sound very bright, so it must be frustrating to feel like you can't pursue your education. Have you talked with anyone at school about arranging home schooling, or a tutor? I don't know all the details about your situation, but a social worker could probably suggest options.
  12. Will Vokins

    Will Vokins Member

    I had a mentor from Year 7 to 10, now I'm in year 11 he said he has to let me go because I'm in control of my own 'destiny'. What a load of cack.
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Remember, you had a good night's sleep...this counts for something...big hugs, J
  14. Will Vokins

    Will Vokins Member

    J, you're such a nice person.
  15. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Will, you are so much more than the list of problems you are experiencing. You are special. (((hugs)))
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