I was at my support group (for parents who have lost a child to suicide) this person says to me you always look so happy. But I am generally happy when I am around people, but by myself it is different. I can't exactly say back, well I did an attempt about 3 weeks ago can I. At work people comment on how happy I am. Even a support person said to me you are happy and laughing, you have interests, you go to work etc, you wouldn't be doing all these things if you were depressed. Yet I do attempts? I have never been suicidal until after my daughter did it. At one workplace I worked at my nickname was "Happy". I saw a horrible web site where people were making fun of my daughter's death and making up horrible pictures and saying horrible things. I think seeing this site is a trigger for me. But I was able to edit another horrible site and get rid of this stuff. Have reported to the admin of that site for harassment still waiting for them to get back. I arrived at dog club today feeling really happy. I thought well I feel really happy, then my dog wasn't concentrating and people were having a go at me about it. So then on the way home I stop off at a shop and buy things that I shouldn't and that I could use. I am also in danger of losing my job because I haven't got over my daughters death quick enough for them. I am still on light duties. So I am worrying about that. I don't tell my husband about any attempts as I don't want to worry him. Once I told him that I didn't want to be here anymore and he dobbed me in to the work counsellor. So I can't talk to him. My work counsellor is leaving too, she said I can see nobody, but she still thinks I need to see someone, or I can see someone from there but there may be noone to see??? Sometimes I think they just want to give up on me.