I look happy, I go from happy to suicidal in the space of hours

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by downunder, Jun 15, 2008.

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  1. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I was at my support group (for parents who have lost a child to suicide) this person says to me you always look so happy. But I am generally happy when I am around people, but by myself it is different. I can't exactly say back, well I did an attempt about 3 weeks ago can I. At work people comment on how happy I am. Even a support person said to me you are happy and laughing, you have interests, you go to work etc, you wouldn't be doing all these things if you were depressed. Yet I do attempts? I have never been suicidal until after my daughter did it. At one workplace I worked at my nickname was "Happy".

    I saw a horrible web site where people were making fun of my daughter's death and making up horrible pictures and saying horrible things. I think seeing this site is a trigger for me. But I was able to edit another horrible site and get rid of this stuff. Have reported to the admin of that site for harassment still waiting for them to get back.

    I arrived at dog club today feeling really happy. I thought well I feel really happy, then my dog wasn't concentrating and people were having a go at me about it. So then on the way home I stop off at a shop and buy things that I shouldn't and that I could use.

    I am also in danger of losing my job because I haven't got over my daughters death quick enough for them. I am still on light duties. So I am worrying about that.

    I don't tell my husband about any attempts as I don't want to worry him. Once I told him that I didn't want to be here anymore and he dobbed me in to the work counsellor. So I can't talk to him. My work counsellor is leaving too, she said I can see nobody, but she still thinks I need to see someone, or I can see someone from there but there may be noone to see???

    Sometimes I think they just want to give up on me.
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    I can relate to quite a lot of what you say. At school and around my friends I'm the clown, the one who is always smiling and being happy. But alone with my thoughts...It's scary how quickly they can drag you down, and how hard it is to get yourself out of that dark place once you're there. If you can catch it early, if you can notice when you're about to drop then you can do something about it. Go for a run, a walk, scream, write down all your feelings, and then when you've got some of the emotion out of your system you can keep yourself busy, bake a cake, do something which needs your full attention.

    Take care of yourself, you can PM me if you want
    Lauren :hug:
  3. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hi downunder welcome to SF.
    I think you already know how people can be about things thay dont undarstand
    but you should be smarter than thay are, you should know that almost everyone
    of then never lost a close relative, so thay are a bit ignorant about how you
    may feal. Unfortuntly your boss may not undarstand it too, as far as i know
    in a word where people think that money is all thay need, 1 manager cant
    efford to have a worker with some sort of "penalties"...
    Many do loose jobs becouse of such thing, but there is law to protect
    such people so that thay could find another job without a negative job history records.
    In any case, you really should take as much time as you need
    dont be afraid to loose your job becouse if you will ignore the things you feal
    it can turn into very bad mental issues...
    You are married right? that means that even if you will loose your job
    you still have a safty net, and you really should talk to your partner about it
    i bet hes heaving hard times too, together by shearing and helping each other
    you guys can really make it all much easyer.
  4. silver_mist343

    silver_mist343 Well-Known Member

    wow, first, i just want to express my deepest sympathy toward ur situation; you seem to be undergoing a really tough and challenging part of your life. I STILL can't believe that support person told you that you couldn't possibly be depressed because you were going to work and being happy... so many people suffering with depression either cover it up or don't let it be shown to others, one of the reasons why a lot of people don't end up getting the help they truly need. it must suck (sorry about my choice of word) even MORE to have to deal with not being able to talk to your husband about and it's truly unfortunate that he doesn't seem to understand that what you may need is someone who will try to understand and work through this whole ordeal with you. As an outsider, I may be saying too much, so I just want to apologize =) but I felt the need to tell you that, although I probably haven't been through as much as you, I can relate to being really cheerful and outgoing when your with other people and your friends, but turn into almost a completely different human being when alone. If you ever need anyone to talk to you, I can be reached if you pm or email me. :smile:
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's unfair that your workplace have deemed that you haven't got over your loss
    quick enough. I hope your able to find some peace by expressing yourself on here and by talking to people who can relate to you and your feelings.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good Morning Down Under,
    I might be wrong but I think your employer can't fire you because you are still morning your loss. It is understandibal that you are still morning. I can only imagine how you feel. I lost two friends one in Texas went simming and gor caught in under a levy. I felt guilty because he asked me if I wanted to go swimming with him. I felt guilty for along time that I wasn't there for him.
    The second friend also drowned and broke his neck diving in he hit bottom and never came up. He also asked if anyone wanted to go with him. My wife eight months pregnant came running back to the house, and got me and I jumped in and went over to a light spot. It was him. The thing that pissed me off was there was a guy there in the park and he didn'try to help.
    I hold in all that guilt and it eats away at me. I told my therapist and she just kind of told me I need to let that excess baggage go. There is no changing what happened in the past. You just need a good therapist who can help you work through this. I wish you the best of luck!!!:chopper:!!!
  7. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Thanx for the replies. I have also been thinking too that my daughter's friend's must be having it hard as well, because my daughter died with her friend, so they are mourning the death of two of their friends at the same time.

    Since the first post my counsellor has gone, she promised she would write a report for me to help me to keep my job and she didn't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her 3 weeks before she was leaving, would rather she just say no, then promise me she would do it and not bother. She leaves on Tuesday morning.

    Have made numerous enquiries with work and the union and in my line of work you can be ill health retired. An appointment has been set up for me on 28th July for as assessment with a psych, where I will acting to my best ability so I can keep my job.

    My birthday on Monday, I don't want anything!!!

    Stranger 1, the person who should be feeling guilty is the person who stood by and did nothing when someone was in trouble, not you. Imagine if you had gone, it might have been you that could have died, and if you had of been there it still could have happened.

    SilverMist - don't apologise for saying too much, I don't think anyone can say too much, thanx for your kind words. I also think we all go through different things in our own ways. What might effect someone little can effect someone else more.

    There is a lot more too my story, but I have to be careful as my story made world wide news, and I don't want anything else ending up in the papers. I am not a celebrity either.
  8. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    I can only begin to try and imagine your suffering and im so very sorry for your loss, i have children and the thought of loosing one would just be to much to bare im sure.
    I do know the saddness and confusion loosing a loved one can bring though , we have suffered many lossess in the last 4 years without warning.
    Your comment that you are not getting over your loss quickly enough makes me feel very defensive of you, who has ever put a time scale on grief and im sure a part of you will never get over it.
    I fyou ever want to talk more please feel free to pm me if you are on msn im happy to give you my addy.
    You sound a very couragious lady , i can also relate to the rapid changes in feeling regarding wanting to leave
    please be safe
  9. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Thanx Donethat. My counsellor introduced me to another counsellor who is supposed to be taking over. But I don't like her, she is too formal, and she looked at me like I was on a wanted poster. I would like to give her a chance though but I just don't know. I have heard that it is hard to find someone that you click with. I felt I got on really well with the other counsellor.

    I don't really think I am courageous. But I think those people who end up in wheel chairs and get on with life are courageous. I think that would be a living nightmare, becoming a quadraplegic or paraplegic but then I think they probably thought the same, and then just lived through it from day to day? Or even losing an arm or a leg would be hell as well!!!

    What do you think?

    I have even had people say to me "I would do myself in, if I were you".

    At my workplace if you are not on full duties they can ill health retire you.
  10. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    I can see where you are coming from and have cared for many just like you describe as im in healthcare, but i dont feel you employer is being very supportive, the turmoil you have had to endure warrants some kindness and understanding, i get frustrated when people make comments like "£it should be ok" we all have our own healing times and we need time and space to achieve some kind of outcome. I agree with what you say regarding counsellors ive been lucky i have seen mine for 4 years now and she is patient and understanding and allows me to talk in my own time (snails pace lol) hence the 4 years, see how it goes but you will soon know if you click with yours if not hun you will know and seek someone you can relate to

    hugs take care Dawn
  11. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    That website would torment anyone in your position, and I can't imagine how it couldn't be a trigger.

    I am so sorry for your loss. It's incredible that you are able to continue to pull through. Do you know if you're hypomanic much of the time, such as when you went to the dog club, and when people comment on how happy you are at work?
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Just wanted to thank-you. You are in terrible pain and took the time to send a post saying you were sorry for the loss of my friends. If there is ever a need to talk you can PM me. I am up all different times of the day and night.
    My sister says i'm a vampire because I never sleep. Isn't depression lovely.
    Anyhow my heart is out to you, and I hope you fined a counseler who listens to you.!!:chopper:!!
  13. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    My work was trying to get me to go on full duties 7 weeks after it happened. The media were at my daughter's funeral. I also understand that life goes on for everybody else as well. Thats why I like to try and help other people out. The media put the death on the news so quickly that I didn't get to tell any friends all relatives because they already knew!!!

    There was one sick guy who wanted to make a song out of the event, and was going to sing it at pubs. The local paper rang me up, and then published everything I said in the paper the next day, just as well I didn't say too much. But we got it stopped.

    There has also been graffiti at the local train station about it too.

    No I don't think I am hypomanic, or anything like that. I am happier around people though and used to have a lot of energy and do lots of things.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2008
  14. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i am really super sorry to hear about your loss. honestly i can't even begin to imagine. i'm suspecting i'd probably be a lot like yourself in that situation. i would continue to try and find a counselor you click with. i just started a new therapist myself two weeks ago, and honestly i'm ready to move on and find someone else. i think finding someone you click with is essential. so might i encourage you to continue to look.

    as far as your job i mean if you have to have this job then try to keep things up i guess, or better still find one that will work with ya more. sometimes a job is a great distraction, but then again sometimes it's just too much on our plates.

    feel free to pm me anytime you need to. i will do my best to be there for you, and i will do everything i can to understand where you're coming from.

    please please take care and please stay safe, please?!
  15. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member

    It's one of the most terrible thing about the website you found..

    I know if I commit suicide many people will be so happy...

    I am so sorry about your daughter... I lost my girl but different way.. It was the first time I thought about suicide as well... I used be a happy person but not any more. I always think about my girl and look desperately to other girls whose age looks similar to mine.. I can't live with losing own girl.. I can pretend I am ok and put smile on my face but minimum..

    Losing own child is unbearable...

    How's your group work going? I hope it helps you even a little..

    I had similar experience as you. People don't go through losing own child can't understand how this is not easy to get over.. People easy to say to move on but how?? Losing own child is totally despair thing to experience, isn't it?

    I hope you are ok...
  16. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can't believe a bunch of fucking creeps would stoop that low to create a website to make fun of your daughter's death. You should slap a libel suit on those assholes.
  17. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    If you look at encylopedia dramitica they actually go out of there way to make fun of people who have died and put nasty things. Cannot really put a libel suit on them as I am overseas, I even contacted the website owner and he recons it was not his site. Found another site at deviant tarts where someone made pictures of her dying!!!!, and everyone commented. Also someone tried to find where she did it and put up a video on youtube. I threatened her with the police and she took it down. Another copied my video and put it up again on youtube with lots of horrible comments, I contacted youtube and got it taken down due to copyright infringement.

    I put up a tribute site for her, and people started bombing with tens of thousands of nasty messages. I had to close it down, but started it up again at a site that has more security. These people don't even know her. They said such horrible things. Encylopedia Dramatica will make fun of people who die and then search for a tribute site and put nasty messages on it, they get together in groups. I would hate to think if I had a relative that died do something terrible such as the "Bali Bombers" or drug trafficking etc.

    Have also found pictures on the net of her in a body bag!!! Taken at the scene at the time they were found.
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