I am so tired of my cat living... I love her.. but more and more and more I want to die. That is all I think about recently. Sometimes I can take my mind off death for long enough to get my job done. Otherwise it is all I think about all the time. I cannot go until my cat goes. I find myself hoping more and more that I will get good news of her sudden kidney failure or cancer or something. News that tells me with meds and making her suffer a lot I can keep her around for a few months at best. It makes me feel even worse. I am losing more and more days to these feelings. Where I just lie in bed hoping the roof will collapse... or hoping that I will die for some random reason. I hope this all the time. I force myself up and along... but nothing seems to work. Why am I cursed to live this way? I have given up. If there were only a way to know my cat would be loved after I died... then I would go into my room and shoot myself. Well I guess I would go buy a gun and then shoot myself. Hell I would not even make it out of the pawn shop. I would take the gun load it up and shoot myself the second i stepped out the door. There is no hope, please do not say there is. My life is just one big lie. I am tired of not getting the one thing I want. Please do not ask what it is because I will not say here. I have posted it many times in other places. It is impossible for me to have. That is just life sometimes. So why do I have to suffer... why did my kitty have to like me more than my roommate's girlfriend? Why do I just have to keep living wasting away one day at a time.