I lose myself each night

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bipolarkitty, Dec 26, 2006.

  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I wonder why it is that I can be rational, logical, and clear-headed in my thinking during the day, but at night I lose all reason and rationality.

    The daytime whispers of the past telling me I'm no good and that nobody cares become loud and oppressive in my mind while the rest of the world sleeps. And my resistance to them becomes non-existant.

    It's like I'm 2 different people. During the day I'm (for the most part) strong and smart and can think my way out of things. In the middle of the night I become some needy, whimpering child huddled in the corner begging for help, yet knowing I deserve none.

    I pride myself on my ability to think and to reason. But when I become that child, all thought goes out the window and only emotion remains. Raw pain, desperation, and hopelessness. I forget everything I've learned over the years on how to cope with the pain. I feel weak and powerless in those hours. The next day I hate who I became the previous night. It's embarrassing and many times, after reading what I've said the night before, I'm ashamed.

    This duality is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. I feel like I lose who I am every night.

    Does anyone else feel this way?
  2. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    I used to feel that way last summer. During the day I was fine, then at night when I tried to go to sleep, I was severely depressed. This was attributed to a lack of human contact. I was alone most of the time. During the day I had energy, and the sun was bright ect ect, but at night, it was dark, and I had no energy, and I was alone. Try to be around people alot more. Make contact with your friends, touch them on the shoulders, ect.. It doesnt seem like much, but it helps. I have a much positive view on life in general, and I can make it through lonliness, but that was the worst summer of my life. I learned to cope.
  3. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way you do. I know what it is like. When I go to bed I get depressed and loss all hope for the world. It is when I have time to let my mind wander that I get extremelt sad and don't know what to do. I used to pray that I would die in the night. This went on for years and I would be so angry in the morning. I would put on a fake smile and go about the day. While inside I was crying. I would be in so much emotional pain that it was almost unbearable to even think.
  4. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I get so angry at myself when I morph into the needy, over-emotional, suicidal child. Yet I don't know how to stop it.

    If I'm suicidal, it's almost always between 1-5 am. I can only think of a few times that I was seriously suicidal during the day. Those were when I wasn't sleeping at all and saw too many sunrises. All of my suicide attempts have happened in the middle of the night, when I'm most impulsive and have the least control.

    I know this is a dangerous time for me. The obvious answer would be to not be awake during the middle of the night. The only problem is that I'm a major night owl.


    Pretty messed up, isn't it?

    I had a bad few hours tonight, but I'm coming out of it, thanks to two wonderfully supportive people who helped me through the worst of it. I'm going to bed before it hits again.
  5. itachi

    itachi Well-Known Member

    Look after Yourself hun and Have a good sleep :smile: