I lost a friend because he just couldn't deal with it

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by MissKerouac, Jul 21, 2009.

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  1. MissKerouac

    MissKerouac Well-Known Member

    I was very close with this guy for 2 years. We were well and truly best friends. One day I felt a little low so he came over to my house with a chinese takeaway and a stack of DVDs. This was at midnight. He knows the deepest secrets of my childhood that even my boyfriend doesn't know yet. I supported him as much as he supported me, and I don't mind admitting now that I was deeply in love with him at one point. Even he told me he thought we would end up together.

    But then, about 4 or 5 months ago I attempted suicide. He was the first and one of the only people I have told about it. He dragged it out of me less than a week after I'd done it. I already knew his opinions on suicide so I was nervous about telling him, and I knew as soon as I'd said it that things wouldn't be the same again. I didn't see much of him after that until I called him one day to see how he was. He shouted. A lot. He said what I'd done was selfish and inconciderate of other peoples feelings. He asked me what I thought my mum would have done. I was crying and all I could say was that I was sorry and I couldn't help it and I needed help. He just shouted and shouted and I've never heard him so annoyed ever. He asked how I expected him to help me if I wouldn't tell him how I feel, and said he was fed up with my attitude. He was basically telling me I needed to pull myself together and sort my life out.

    It was one of the most awful things I'd ever gone through because I cared about him so much and I know he cared about me too. We havn't spoken since. I've emailed him a couple of times, once in complete distress asking if we could talk again, and once a few months later, telling him sorry for how things turned out and thanking him for all the help he gave but ultimately saying some people have been there for me and some havn't, and I need to select my friends more carefuly. He never replied to either message. We walked past each other in town once and caught each others eye before I looked away and we walked right by each other.

    Once recently I did phone him and he actually picked up. We said we missed each other and he asked how I was. I said I was doing fine and he laughed and said I was never fine. He just sounded really fed up.

    I know I had been difficult for a little while and I know it must be hell to get news like that from a friend. But how he reacted has completely ruined me. I feel terrified to tell my friends how I feel all the time because it now makes me feel like a burden and like I'm bothering them. I want to die so often but I can't tell anyone because clearly, even the people I think will always be there for me will just get fed up with it in the end. I can't expect people to put up with me anymore but I can't always deal with it on my own and I don't know what to do. :sad: I can't tell anymore when I've said too much and its got tedious for people. I don't mind so much that he found it difficult to deal with, and fine if he needed time away from me, or even never to talk again. But its just the way he went about it. And I don't know if thats unreasonable of me and I'm completely in the wrong. It just feels so much like I'm bothering people now and like if I tell them how I feel it will just make them suffer needlesly. Its so difficult, because I have so many supportive friends and the most understanding boyfriend who I'm sure would stick by me. But I thought the same about my best friend and now he doesn't want to know.

    Sorry this is so long, I think I needed to get some things off my chest.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry this happened your friend truly was frightened and not sure how to handle the pain of perhaps loosing you. Most people don't know how to react to people who have suicidal tendicies. This is where professionals need to be there for you they understand. Your friend still may come around be patient with him he is just not knowing what to do his anger is really pain inside. Know that you can come here anytime to talk to vent to release any emotion you have because we know and understand these feelings as many of us have been there. I hope you can get professional help and maybe when your feeling stronger your friend will see this and not be so afraid of loosing you. take care and i am glad you are here.
  3. MissKerouac

    MissKerouac Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. I don't know what I'd do without this forum and everyone in it. It just helps so much to have somewhere to say what I'm really feeling- no matter how bleak or totally insane it must sound to other people. :screwloose:

    Thanks for being so lovely and understanding. :biggrin:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you can talk here know we care and you certainly don't sound insane just in pain like alot of us. I know you will find alot of supportive people here so just hang in there with us okay
  5. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    He just doesn't understand your feelings,hey I don't want to sounded like an A@@ but I'd be lucky to be my freind
  6. Supreme_G

    Supreme_G Member

    I attempted suicide about three weeks ago. The how and why isn't important but instead of a suicide note, I left an email for my best friend on the other side of the world. I didn't expect her to read it immediately and I hoped it would be over by the time she read it. It wasn't and I put her through the five hours of hell while she tried to talk to me and I refused her phone calls and emails. Needless to say, when I survived, she refused any contact with me.

    I want to be mad at her but I don't know what I would have done if I had been in her shoes. I'm just so hurt that she doesn't see I emailed her because maybe sub-consciously I was asking her help and to ignore me now hurts me more than any anger she could lay on me.

    I guess, I dunno, I just want to say I can relate and that whilst some of our friends can hurt us more than anything, we need to find friends who won't and who will be there no matter what.
  7. pinkpanther85

    pinkpanther85 Member

    My partner (soon to be ex) feels the same way. She just can't handle the way I feel. If only she knew the way I feel is because of her :(

    I guess some people just don't understand and never will. I'm sorry your friend is one of those people.
  8. Space Villain

    Space Villain Member

    Try to remember that people react to these situations differently. Some will respond quickly and accordingly. Others will become angry. Others still will withdraw to keep themselves safe. From the perspective of the person who attempted suicide, the loved one is being cold, harsh, and uncaring. From the love one's perspective, he/she is powerless to help and can only think to preserve his/her own well-being.

    That's my take on it anyway. In an ideal world, people would support their love ones, either verbally or by involving the authorities, regardless of the situation, but people are not perfect. That doesn't mean they don't care. It means they don't know how to effectively deal with the situation. As people who've tried to quit suicide, I think we can have a bit of empathy for others who deal with situations in the wrong way, right?

    A friend of mine, who supported me for years, completely ignored me on the day I tried to kill myself and has continued ignoring me since then. I said some terrible things to my friend, which makes me incredibly guilty, and it hurts very much that this friend abandoned me when I needed support/help (and continue to need support), but... people are not perfect. It is wrong to ignore someone you love when that person is in need, but it is also wrong to kill oneself (in most cases) and put loved ones through immense pain.

    This is my way of coping with losing a very close person to me at the very worst possible time. It helps a little, but I will still be dealing with guilt, feelings of abandonment, and anxiety for a really long time. I'll get better, though. Ultimately, you need to live for yourself, not anyone else.
  9. sr123

    sr123 Member

    As we know, depression and suicide are heavily stigmatized and poorly-understood. One thing that was interesting for me was that, after years of being kinda in a haze over my own life's value (and a lot of suicidal gesturing when I was in jr. high and high school) I started feeling much better at the end of high school and the first two years of college. In fact, I was feeling so much better that the thought of suicide was literally repulsive, and I found it much harder to talk to a close friend, who was also depressed in high school, because now I wasn't depressed and she was. Like, I couldn't really empathize with her like I used to, because suddenly her thought pattern was so foreign to me.

    Now, thankfully, I'm depressed again and have cut off most contact from my friends (yes, sarcasm - I'm working on treatment and have some hope now). But the point is that what I think is how "normal people" feel is completely foreign to the concept of suicidal depression, and so they have to look for external causes and such to even try to comprehend what we go through (and then ridicule or ostracize us when it seems the only reason we want to kill ourselves is because our car won't start this morning).

    My ex-gf did a great job of understanding me for two years (our first year together, I wasn't depressed), but then when we moved apart she couldn't handle both emotional and physical detachment and we broke up. But when we were together and I was trying to explain what I was going through, it got to the point where we'd be hanging out and I'd get these kinda rapid anxiety attacks, and just by looking at my eyes she could tell me it was coming almost 5 minutes before I'd even be aware of it. She really knew the physical, uncontrollable nature of the attacks (but it was really painful for her, because she knew she had to leave me alone in pain at that point, otherwise I'd get extremely paranoid of her... my depression/anxiety may have been misdiagnosed).

    So now when I have to explain my problems to someone who is somewhat normal, I usually preface with noting that it's not the external effects or my physical reactions that define this problem, but that it's simply that when someone normal walks out on a sunny day, they can experience a bright blue sky, then heat of the rays, and the dynamic shadows cast by trees. I don't notice any of this unless I really try, and no matter what colors I'm sensing, the sky, sun, and trees all seem to be a dull shade of gray. Or I tell them I have to abstain from sex to avoid serious mood swings - that usually gets some immediate empathy.
  10. MissKerouac

    MissKerouac Well-Known Member

    Update on this story

    ...he got in touch recently. He said he had tried to kill himself a few months ago and was too ashamed to tell me after how he had reacted to me doing it. He said thats why he had avoided me...

    I don't know what to think. He told me this a couple of months ago and I've tried talking since then but he won't. This has all really taken it out of me.
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