I lost at life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lostguy, Jul 29, 2014.

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  1. Lostguy

    Lostguy New Member

    I am extremely lost in life. For the past 10 years I've been suffering with major depression, anxiety and a lot of different problems. I have been talking to a psychologist for 9 years twice a month a literally feel no changes for the better. I almost turned my life over 3 years ago when I found bodybuilding was something and only thing I really enjoyed.
    I worked out for 3 years following strict rules but had no gains. Recently I was diagnosed with klinefelter's and the 3 years where completely a waste of time for me as I was trying to get built and rid of my pear shaped body.
    As a child I was verbally and physically abused for 19 years. My father would beat me with his fists or throw me against walls and objects to let out his anger on a daily basis. Sometimes he would jump on top of me and just pummel my face. I was bullied in school. Highschool being the worst. I never finished college. Had a career ending injury in my job. My libido is extremely low. I was also molested by my dad's friend when I was 9 and I didn't enjoy it.
    My doctor recently put me on trt but something switched in me and I am starting to get attracted to guys. I was always straight and only had gfs but I do agree I have always hidden my attraction to a small number of guys There was times when friends called me out on it when I was clearly in love and I acted like they are retarded. I was raised that homosexuals are scum and not human. I never had any connection emotionally with some but with men I did. I am so confused. I feel like I have no character. I hate life, my family. I have no friends. I feel like I've been ruined and there is no way back. I am extremely shy, have very low self worth and self esteem. No confidence.
    I've attempted suicide in the past when I had problems with my career and injuries. I am thinking of ending it all. I would have done it long ago but I saw some paranormal shit in my room a couple years ago so my perspective on death has altered and actually scares me. Most nights I can't fall asleep because of that event.

    There's more things to this story but I don't feel like typing it all out. Everything in life I failed at. Everything I attempted I failed because either my body physically failed or my mental problems / Klinefelter got in the way. I have no interests, no love just pain.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I have approved your post and an admin will approve your account soon. I am sorry to hear about your illness and about the abuse. Regarding the abuse, have you ever received counselling? If not, I would definitely recommend and the support this forum can offer is great too. Keep posting, you will meet a lot of like minded people here, best of luck :hug:
  3. Lostguy

    Lostguy New Member

    I've never received counseling for it and it only took me 30 years to start talking about it online. I was raised by my father and only recently reconnected with my mother. She left when I was 7 because my dad used to beat her and throw her against walls. When she left I got double the beatings. I go beat for little things, things that now I realize klinefelters is to blame. I always had lower energy, was terrible at school and needed special ed classes and schools. My coordination and life skills were awful. I can't get counseling because it is too expensive I cannot afford it as I'm on disability and I barely pass by each month. Either case I just started opening up online where I know I'm anonymous. Took me 30 years as I'm 30.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again, I had to google what klinefelters is as I had never heard of it. I think you should see your g.p to start with who can refer you to all types of people who can help, social workers,counselling,psychiatry. I do respect that it took you all this time to even talk about it online so maybe start slowly, we also have a chat room here if you want instant chat. Good luck :hug:
  5. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I hope you feel welcome here. You always deserve the best in life. While we can't choose our chromosomes from the genetic deck, I don't think we "fail" at life as long as long as we're still alive. I do hope that you feel able to share what you think, in an honest way, without fear of negative judgments.

    Best wishes.
  6. Pizza

    Pizza Member

    That's some serious stuf. Damn mate, you've had a lot of bad luck! That's how it sounds to me, in my opinion you haven't failed in life, you're just a victim of way too much shit and bad luck. I have been trough rough verbal, mental and physical abuse myself as well in the past, as well as being bullied to shit. Afterwards I became a violent monster myself, because of that I've lived in closed mental hospital kind of things, made for youngsters. Seen many weird/wrong things in there, but right now I'm trying to get back into the normal society.

    I haven't felt your pain, I can not say I understand your pain but I definetely will try to understand you to the fullest of my capabilities.

    I am trying to think there's always a solution for everything
    You said you have no friends, if you ever feel lonely send me a message, I do not judge you on whatever you've done or what happened to you, I'll try to be there for you if needed. Why would I? Because, if I can help a human who's been trough a lot, I do so, improving humanity starts at yourself or so they say.

    I'm there for you. :)

    Many, many respects from me,
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