I lost everything, though I never really had much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cortez, May 13, 2010.

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  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    My gf broke up with me on Sunday, I lost my job and my mother talks of kicking me out of the house. I feel so incredibly bad about myself for not being able to hold down a job or be in school right now, I want to go back to school in September but I don't know what will happened by then. I am feeling too crushed right now, I don't even blame it on the breakup. I've been feeling like this for years. I know now how much of a loser and a failure I am. I was never good at anything, I never did good academically, I never did good socially. The only thing I can say that makes me feel good knowing is that at least one person loved me in my life and she still does but we are not together right now.

    I am tired of feeling that everyone is better than me. I am tired of feeling that I never did anything good in my life. I never did good in school, I was never good at anything, no sports, no hobbies....nothing. I feel like I am a waste and I am tired of living in pain everyday, of feeling worthless, I can never be good at nothing, never be smart enough, strong enough, confident enough, secure enough, I am tired of everything, I am embarrassed, humiliated and scared of what might happen. I don't want to do this anymore, it's not even the loneliness that is affecting me badly right now, it's how I see myself, others, and the world, that is destroying me, it already has destroyed me. I don't want to be around anyone right now, I don't even feel like being seen or spoken to, I feel I am not worthy or good enough. I wish I could just go through with it and kill myself but I just don't know how, an effective way of doing it. It's not like I really want to die, but I am being pushed to. My mother wants nothing more than me to work and move out of the house, she even wants to tell me what to do when I am in the house, like not staying in my room. My mother said if I have to kill myself then thats what I'll have to do because she doesn't want to help me anymore. All she cares about is me working, not being in my room, and paying what I owe, she doesn't care about my mental health, she thinks I am using depression or severe anxiety has an excuse. So suicide is definitely a realistic option for me right now.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2010
  2. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    Hi , I just wanted you to know that I have read your post and really empathise with you. Many family members feel that we are using mental health problems as an excuse not to do the 'normal' things in life that they expect of us.

    But we know different. Your depression is stoppping you from enjoying life and functioning how your mother wants you too. I wish I could say something to help. My depresssion/bipolar only got better when I got professional help so I don't know if it is something you would consider?

    I wish you all the very best.....shaz
  3. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    i feel you...i may loose my house, ive already lost my car (had to get this crap of car i drive now, in which I am so embaressed of), my gf, my friends, my 401K, my checking and savings, my sanity, amongst just some of the few things....i still have my health tho and now as a fresh start for me ive recently landed a job that I actually can sink my teeth into....after 1.5 years of being unemployed, i have the coolest new friends which i would not give up for the world...and they are all here...they staied my hand for a mere 12 hours, just for me to get a job the very next day. Somebody heard somebodies prayer for me...

    Today is a brand new day for you my friend..filled with all kind of surprises. The pieces are broken and scattered all over, but thats ok ill help you pick them up and before you know youll be golden!

    hang in there...i promise things will change!
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can empathize with not believing anyone would ever want to talk to me in real life. It is what holds me back from meeting.g people everyday. However, you did manage to get a girlfriend so that shows someone thought you were worthy to talk too. I am sure you can find someone else who feels the same way.

    Your mom is a total bitch. You cannot choose your family however. I am sorry you have to live in such a hostile environment. I wish I could say more than you just have to overcome it. However, you just have too... if you don't you will be the failure your mom thinks you are. My mom constantly chastised me from not getting a 3.0 in college. I showed her though when I got a great job right out of college. Completely disproving my mom was a great feeling.

    I don't know, I know how hard school is. However, in school you will meet new people who share your interests. You just need to try. What more do you have to lose?
  5. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I wouldn't really say my mom is a complete bitch, but she sure can be one a lot of times. No one has helped me out more in every way possible in my life than my mother, she is just frustrated, tired, upset and scared for me, so I get where she is coming from. Even if she does decide to kick me out, I will still be thankful that she put up with me and helped me out this far. She just has her value system and she goes by them, one being a man must work in life at all times no matter what, and I violated her "rule". My parents are from a poor almost 3rd world country and are very old school in mentality, not to mention that society they come from is ignorant when it comes to handling or even properly knowing about mental illness. So I can't really blame her for thinking that way, I just wish she wouldn't hassle me, and threaten to kick me out when I don't even do anything to her besides violate her "value system" by breaking what she considers a norm.

    Good to hear you were able to prove your mom wrong.

    And my plans are to go back to school in September, I am just hoping nothing terrible happens between now and then, as Spring and Summer months are always the worst for me, my depression increases and so do my suicidal thoughts, I don't know why it raises in the spring and summer months.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You can make it, just think about how you are going to succeed in school.
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