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I lost my friend today

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by lost_a_friend, Jan 7, 2006.

  1. I lost my friend today, I had only known her while at university but we had grown close.

    She was found unconscious in her room last night, this forum was on her pc. I think she had tried to find comfort at the end, but it was too late for her. I posted a thread about her condition this morning, but shortly afterwards I received a phone call from her family saying she had passed away - she never regained consciousness.

    I feel guilty for not knowing what was going on, she was always a very happy jolly person, but obviously she was hurting inside for reasons I'll never know.
  2. ginock

    ginock Member

    First of all (((hugs))), I am deeply sorry for you loss, I am sorry I can't come up with anything better but thats basically what it comes down to. Don't feel guilty about it or blame yourself in anyway okay? When someone is at the stage of s/i or suicide and depression generally they will hide it very well and will sometimes over componsate. I know this doesn't make it any easier but you couldn't have known what was happening inside your freinds head.

    I hope things get better for you,
    Again, I am sorry for your loss.
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser ever to live.

    I'm extremely sorry for your huge loss also. I will also say that surprisingly, people with severe depression and suicidal tendencies can hide it very, very well, like I do around my family.
  4. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    :hug: lost_a_friend :hug:

    im so very sorry to hear about the loss of you friend. ive also lost a friend by suicide and it does hurt so much and your left with so many questions . this link may help you some to understand that how you are feeling right now is pretty normal considering what has just happened. www.asfp.org .

    i too, when i lost my friend, felt extremely guilty. i was always (and still do sometimes) think to myself if only i had talked to her more maybe she would have lived...if only i would have been there more for her maybe she would have lived...if only i had payed more attention maybe she would have lived....the list goes on and on. i also felt very angry at myself too because i should have done all those "what if" questions, at least so i thought. the truth is no matter if i did do those what if questions my friend most likely would have still died becuse she had made that choose.

    thers also been a lot of other things i have and do feel about my friend dying like she did.

    if you ever need to talk about this please pm me or im me, im online a fair amount.
  5. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser ever to live.

    Just wondering, what was her username, sci-figirl I assume?? I hope she's in a better place now.
  6. undead66

    undead66 Guest

    i'm sorry. you couldn't have known, you couldn't have stopped her. if she had wanted you to know, she could have told you. it's just very hard because if you are suicidal and tell people, everyone just says "oh, she's just looking for attention," and no one gives a fuck... So either people think you are desperate for attention, or you do it and people think "if only they had said something." It's really a catch-22. So a lot of people don't talk about it. I'm not saying you would have said she was searching for attention, but a lot of people who are suicidal have had that experience -- even on this board -- and so they choose to keep quiet. but you couldn't have known. don't feel guilty. she wouldn't want you to feel that way.

    Another thing, also... I think it is difficult for non-suicidal people to understand what it feels like to be suicidal. This has been my experience with extreme depression: Even if you have a lot of great stuff going on in your life, everything hurts. It's almost like physical pain. All your energy is gone, it's hard to even move your head, you can see things, but you don't really see them. In the same way that alcohol changes people's perceptions, extreme depression really changes people's perceptions, altering their entire world and coloring the world in a completely different way. When you are suicidal, it's really hard to reach out, because when you are suicidal, often you don't want help. You just want to die, in the same way you want to eat, or want to have sex. I am saying "you," but I really should be saying I. This has been my experience. When I'm suicidal, it's often hard for me to walk or even to breathe. It hurts behind my eyes, but I don't cry. I can barely eat, I don't want to pick up the papers on the floor, I just want to dissolve. I'm trying to get better, but trying to get better is really difficult, because deep down, I know that even if I get better, I will probably relapse at some point. If I stay alive, this is going to be a long, difficult fight. Also, personally, when I am suicidal, I feel extremely guilty, worried about how the people I care about will react if I do end up dying. Part of me doesn't want to even mention my feelings to them, because if I do, then if I actually do kill myself one of these days, my friends will say "I knew my friend was suicidal, and I still couldn't do anything! Why didn't I do more?" If you don't tell anyone about how you feel, you can feel less guilty. Another part of my experience with being suicidal is that I intentionally try to shut people out of my life -- because I don't want to involve more people in my misery. When I don't have anything happy to say, and I'm constantly in pain, I feel like a giant leech when I talk to people. I always just talk about myself and how sad I am, just sucking on their energy and making them feel annoyed and sad. And even when they try to hide it, I know how concerned and annoyed and confused they are. And these feelings end up becoming the substance of friendships. So, I try to keep things to myself, confiding in my pschiatrist and a few close friends who I think really want to listen, even if I do end up dead. But sometimes it's even hard to talk to those people.

    I guess my point is that when I've been suicidal, my worst fears were that if I did ever kill myself, the people I care about wouldn't be able to deal with my suicide. I think most suicidal people are probably silent by choice, because they don't want to be a burden. Sometimes, I think there are some suicidal people who are really isolated and don't have anyone to talk with. But I think there are a lot of people, like me, who don't want to involve other people when they feel this way. Sometimes I look at myself a someone with a huge bomb strapped to my back that might never go off, but could go off at any second. I just want to stay as far away as I can from other people.

    People don't view severe depression in the same way as cancer, because you can't do a biopsy on depression, and people with depression can still walk and talk. So, people view those with depression as seeking attention and lazy and somehow flawed. But when you have severe depression, it really is like cancer -- because some people survive, and some people don't. And for some, it is debilitating. But when people die because of severe depression, the people left behind somehow blame themselves, but they really shouldn't. You wouldn't feel guilty if your friend died from breast cancer. You aren't a psychitrist. You had know way of getting inside her head and physically altering her brain.

    If I ever do commit suicide, I would want the people I care about to enjoy the things that I often can't enjoy. Go have brunch with some people you care about and really enjoy it, or go to the beach and have fun laying out in the sun, or read a book you really love. When I am suicidal, I can't do those things. I can't read your friends mind, but I would imagine that she would want you to honor her memory by enjoying life to the fullest as much as you can. Maybe that sounds cliche, but I really think it's true.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2006
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    What you have described is almost completly true for me. Reason i say almost completly true is because i am basically alone with no family , no friends , no church family , no loved ones and to top all this off i also have cancer - well just learned i have it - actually had it for a long time but really keep putting off tests and all afraid of knowing the truth. now it has grown and spread far beyond what any doctor can do to save me now. I had battled tachycardia and still battle that problem with my heart but now i have this spreading cancer that can not be stopped.

    i have been accused of just wanting attention several times and even been told several times that you can not always get what you want. basically told the same as wanting attention. so i know exactly where you are coming from when you say that.

    only i can feel this pain. they can not nor can they even begin to understand what it is like cause unless they have felt it then they can not know what it is like.

    with me now i am battling more them one. i am battiling the emotional pain of depression and thoughts of taking my life and i am battling physical pain because i have learned i have a cancer that leaves me with about 6 months or less without any chemo and to top all of that off i had watched my mom die a suffering disease of this cancer of the stomach and i just can not see myself enduring what she went through.

    for me it is a down hill battle. one that i can not win. and i have no one here to help me fight it so i just give up and end the pain my way. some say it is evil to do it but i call it mercy. i would be releaving myself of enduring more pain. a pain that i can not win in any way not even mattering how much i wish i could. I am not strong enough. so i can relate to you very much on the pain and what it is like.

    White dove.
  8. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Iknow the deep pain of loosing friends pm anytime
    My thoughts are with you
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I too know the pain of losing friends to suicide. For many years I blamed myself and I occasionally slip back into those thinking errors. Please know that even though you didn't recognize how she was really feeling, not only cand depressive/suicidal people mask their feelings, in the end the choice was hers to make. There was more than likely nothing you could have done that would have changed her mind. I am truly sorry for your loss. Try as hard as you can not to blame yourself for it. Please take care. :hug:
  10. animebling

    animebling Well-Known Member

    The original post is over a year old and the user the post it is banned...