Hi All,
I thought I would share my heartbreak with you. My friend who was a poster on these boards under the username tarthenol died on saturday morning at 6.30am GMT.
I am sitting at his desk in his room now on his laptop. He left me all his passwords and stuff so I have been reading it all. He wanted me to know just what was going on this last while with him.
He suffered liver and kidney failure due to an overdose. I have watched him fall to pieces these last few months, he was always a strong person who fought as best he could against the crap that life threw at him, but when he seriously damaged himself a few weeks ago I knew it was the beginning of the end. I knew him since I was 15 yo and he was always so nice to me, me and my sisters never got on the best but he always tried to make peace with us and he did so much for me, helped me study and was just a true friend.
We lost our father when I was 7 and it was tough so I never really had a father or a big brother but he was all these things and more to me because he recognised my need. I first got my heart broken when I was 17 and I really really loved him. He turned out to be a total bastard and he was with one of my best friends. My family told me to 'get over it for gods sake', but Ian talked me through it and showed me that it would pass as all pain does. He was ever a thoughtful and philosophical person.
I found him at home about 1am, he had texted me and asked when I would be coming home from a night out and I said it would be around 1 or so and he asked if I would drop in to see him. He was in a bad way when I got there, he was high as a kite and had took an awful lot of illegal drugs. I rang an ambulance and waited with him until it got there. I told them I was his sister and they let me stay with him, we couldnt get his parents as they were away until yesterday but his brother and two other friends got there just in time. He was actually conscious for most of it, I believe the drugs kept him awake. The doctors said there was nothing to be done for him and it was only a matter of time. He had already had a do not resucitate order in place and they were well aware of it. He held my hand and told me his secrets and his hopes. He spoke of the stars as he slipped away. He hoped that his body would one day rejoin them and his soul would fly free and see the universe. He was at peace I think near the end. I spent all yesterday crying and most of today. I dont know what to do anymore, I need to just get some space and stuff.
Ian took so much of the responsibilities for things that were not his to take. He had his bad side sure, but the good heavily outweighed any of his own perceived faults, in general he just tried to get on best he could. His brother Peter was hysterical, he always looked up to his big brother and now he was lying near to death and there was nothing anyone could do anymore. His two friends just held each other hands and sat crying.
Why do people do it? Why does the pain get so bad that ending it is the only option? For all I loved him I am so angry with him right now. He could have fought but it was too hard. He was just too sick and it sapped his will. I read his diaries and his private blog and he was completely broken. He intended to give life a shot but there were too many complications with what he had done to himself a while back.
I miss him so much, I never realised how much pain he was in until I read his personal writings. He cared a lot about people and the loss of his soulmate really hit him for six. I cant go to work yet as I am too upset.
He was my best friend and I never knew how much pain he was in. He was always so strong in my eyes and usually happy. I cant express how upset I am at this stage, I feel like I am on fire with the pain.
I will post again in a few hours after I have read some more to understand him.
With deepest heartache,
Elizabeth
I thought I would share my heartbreak with you. My friend who was a poster on these boards under the username tarthenol died on saturday morning at 6.30am GMT.
I am sitting at his desk in his room now on his laptop. He left me all his passwords and stuff so I have been reading it all. He wanted me to know just what was going on this last while with him.
He suffered liver and kidney failure due to an overdose. I have watched him fall to pieces these last few months, he was always a strong person who fought as best he could against the crap that life threw at him, but when he seriously damaged himself a few weeks ago I knew it was the beginning of the end. I knew him since I was 15 yo and he was always so nice to me, me and my sisters never got on the best but he always tried to make peace with us and he did so much for me, helped me study and was just a true friend.
We lost our father when I was 7 and it was tough so I never really had a father or a big brother but he was all these things and more to me because he recognised my need. I first got my heart broken when I was 17 and I really really loved him. He turned out to be a total bastard and he was with one of my best friends. My family told me to 'get over it for gods sake', but Ian talked me through it and showed me that it would pass as all pain does. He was ever a thoughtful and philosophical person.
I found him at home about 1am, he had texted me and asked when I would be coming home from a night out and I said it would be around 1 or so and he asked if I would drop in to see him. He was in a bad way when I got there, he was high as a kite and had took an awful lot of illegal drugs. I rang an ambulance and waited with him until it got there. I told them I was his sister and they let me stay with him, we couldnt get his parents as they were away until yesterday but his brother and two other friends got there just in time. He was actually conscious for most of it, I believe the drugs kept him awake. The doctors said there was nothing to be done for him and it was only a matter of time. He had already had a do not resucitate order in place and they were well aware of it. He held my hand and told me his secrets and his hopes. He spoke of the stars as he slipped away. He hoped that his body would one day rejoin them and his soul would fly free and see the universe. He was at peace I think near the end. I spent all yesterday crying and most of today. I dont know what to do anymore, I need to just get some space and stuff.
Ian took so much of the responsibilities for things that were not his to take. He had his bad side sure, but the good heavily outweighed any of his own perceived faults, in general he just tried to get on best he could. His brother Peter was hysterical, he always looked up to his big brother and now he was lying near to death and there was nothing anyone could do anymore. His two friends just held each other hands and sat crying.
Why do people do it? Why does the pain get so bad that ending it is the only option? For all I loved him I am so angry with him right now. He could have fought but it was too hard. He was just too sick and it sapped his will. I read his diaries and his private blog and he was completely broken. He intended to give life a shot but there were too many complications with what he had done to himself a while back.
I miss him so much, I never realised how much pain he was in until I read his personal writings. He cared a lot about people and the loss of his soulmate really hit him for six. I cant go to work yet as I am too upset.
He was my best friend and I never knew how much pain he was in. He was always so strong in my eyes and usually happy. I cant express how upset I am at this stage, I feel like I am on fire with the pain.
I will post again in a few hours after I have read some more to understand him.
With deepest heartache,
Elizabeth