I lost my friend

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Lizamy, Sep 25, 2006.

  1. Lizamy

    Lizamy New Member

    Hi All,

    I thought I would share my heartbreak with you. My friend who was a poster on these boards under the username tarthenol died on saturday morning at 6.30am GMT.

    I am sitting at his desk in his room now on his laptop. He left me all his passwords and stuff so I have been reading it all. He wanted me to know just what was going on this last while with him.

    He suffered liver and kidney failure due to an overdose. I have watched him fall to pieces these last few months, he was always a strong person who fought as best he could against the crap that life threw at him, but when he seriously damaged himself a few weeks ago I knew it was the beginning of the end. I knew him since I was 15 yo and he was always so nice to me, me and my sisters never got on the best but he always tried to make peace with us and he did so much for me, helped me study and was just a true friend.

    We lost our father when I was 7 and it was tough so I never really had a father or a big brother but he was all these things and more to me because he recognised my need. I first got my heart broken when I was 17 and I really really loved him. He turned out to be a total bastard and he was with one of my best friends. My family told me to 'get over it for gods sake', but Ian talked me through it and showed me that it would pass as all pain does. He was ever a thoughtful and philosophical person.

    I found him at home about 1am, he had texted me and asked when I would be coming home from a night out and I said it would be around 1 or so and he asked if I would drop in to see him. He was in a bad way when I got there, he was high as a kite and had took an awful lot of illegal drugs. I rang an ambulance and waited with him until it got there. I told them I was his sister and they let me stay with him, we couldnt get his parents as they were away until yesterday but his brother and two other friends got there just in time. He was actually conscious for most of it, I believe the drugs kept him awake. The doctors said there was nothing to be done for him and it was only a matter of time. He had already had a do not resucitate order in place and they were well aware of it. He held my hand and told me his secrets and his hopes. He spoke of the stars as he slipped away. He hoped that his body would one day rejoin them and his soul would fly free and see the universe. He was at peace I think near the end. I spent all yesterday crying and most of today. I dont know what to do anymore, I need to just get some space and stuff.

    Ian took so much of the responsibilities for things that were not his to take. He had his bad side sure, but the good heavily outweighed any of his own perceived faults, in general he just tried to get on best he could. His brother Peter was hysterical, he always looked up to his big brother and now he was lying near to death and there was nothing anyone could do anymore. His two friends just held each other hands and sat crying.

    Why do people do it? Why does the pain get so bad that ending it is the only option? For all I loved him I am so angry with him right now. He could have fought but it was too hard. He was just too sick and it sapped his will. I read his diaries and his private blog and he was completely broken. He intended to give life a shot but there were too many complications with what he had done to himself a while back.

    I miss him so much, I never realised how much pain he was in until I read his personal writings. He cared a lot about people and the loss of his soulmate really hit him for six. I cant go to work yet as I am too upset.

    He was my best friend and I never knew how much pain he was in. He was always so strong in my eyes and usually happy. I cant express how upset I am at this stage, I feel like I am on fire with the pain.

    I will post again in a few hours after I have read some more to understand him.

    With deepest heartache,

    Elizabeth
     
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Elizabeth, I am so very sorry that Ian felt he had no other way but to end his life. My thoughts are with you and his family at this very sad time.

    With sympathy Hazel
     
  3. Lizamy

    Lizamy New Member

    Thank you Hazel,

    I cannot stop crying, its so, so hard to make sense of what is happening, he is gone now and I feel like the sun has gone out forever. I miss him so much its agony.

    Why didnt he fight, he seemed to rally a little while back and was starting to get his will to live affirmed. Then this. Its really really hard to express how I feel now.

    Anger, pain, loss, sorrow, heartbreak, pain......I have a picture of him and me and his ex girlfriend from last Christmas, we are all smiling and look so happy. Why didnt he tell me how bad he was? Why?

    Please someone tell me why you would want to hurt those who love you so much, I need him and he's not here anymore. Never again will I laugh at his strange view of things, how he used to laugh at signs that said 'ROAD WORKS' and say 'I hope the bloody road works, I intend driving on it.....' and stuff like that.

    If he was here now I would slap him in the face. Then I would hug him until he bruised. Its amazing how many people will miss someone who thought so little of himself. I am in his home now and his scent is still here in his room. His parents cannot bear to sort through his stuff so one of his friends is due over in the next while to help me. He left everything he owned to his ex and his savings to cover funeral costs etc.

    They shall play Hurt by Johnny Cash and Everybody Hurts by REM at his funeral along with Dumb by the Beautiful south.

    Dumb and Hurt - two words that keep going through my head.....

    I am completely heartbroken. I miss my friend.

    Elizabeth M.N.
     
  4. cthulhu

    cthulhu Well-Known Member

    bright burning candle
    snuffed out to soon, end of life
    world sheds bitter tears anew​
     
  5. Dindo

    Dindo New Member

    I am where ur lost sick filled with pain and saddness. my buddy took his life on 7/22/06. all i do is cry and bring flowers to his grave. i dont think i will ever be the same...........wish he would have took me with him cause since then Im dead on the inside
     
  6. UrSad

    UrSad New Member

    Hmm well that trully sucks
    I hope u get over it soon though :dry:
     
  7. I'm so sorry Elizabeth, I truely am. I know what it's like to lose people, but sometimes you don't really realise what good of a thing you have until it's gone... I'm truely sorry, if you need to talk i'm here...
     
  8. nakedbodi

    nakedbodi Member

    It's not a friend I've lost. It was my mother. Same thing. She overdosed herself with drugs, we took her to the hospital and the doctor said... "It's just a matter of time." The matter of time took her 61 hours to die. And minute by minute, she was killing me inside, slowly, painfully, mercilessly...

    I have carried my anger towards her most of my adulthood. It made me strong. And I need to be strong for my family. That anger had been my best friend. I am their lifesaver, the only one that can keep them afloat. I supported them financially and emotionally. I get my brother through college, graduated, top-notched the board exam... and the only thing I thought when I read that result in the newspaper was "Mama, I wish you have waited," and felt more anger because she didn't.

    I thought I can go on with the anger as my defense against the world, the hurting and the pain. But it didn't. I just opened myself to more hurt and pain simply by building walls around me, convincing myself that I don't need anyone. I pushed people away and even now that I am in a relationship, I still felt alone most of the times. I know that I'm better off on my own, sometimes, though, I just wish that it wasn't this lonely, this business of being alone.

    They loved us, and they've hurt us. We will never be the same again. I've lost my mother 14 years ago and my pain is more severe now than ever. I am going crazy, positive. One moment, I'm fine, giving optimistic advices to some on this forum, the next moment, I want to die. Where are the answers? I don't have one to give. I emphatize with what you're going through right now, but I can't give you shallow words because there's nothing to ease the pain but a drug-induced sleep.

    My heart goes to you, Elizabeth. I hope you'll deal better than I did.
     
  9. shadowcat

    shadowcat Well-Known Member

    i am sorry to hear about your friend, I lost a dear friend of mine recently to a drug overdose on Sept 11th. i am still asking questions myself that I have no answers for. He was the one person in my youth group that seemed to understand what pain I was going thru.
     
  10. oh god, ian, oh jesus, he.. he was so nice.. he helped me so much.. oh how i miss him so dearly, i want him back, :cry:, i need him! :(

    Elizabeth, i hope you are okay too, and i hope you heal...:hug:
     
  11. Lonz

    Lonz Active Member

    I can relate. I sometimes feel like running down the street screaming. I haven't been suicidal in 21 years! But, I spent a great deal of time considering it when I was young. Years. I think my imagination saved me. I could imagine how it would impact others. I think my friend had limited thinking skills, maybe from her illness or drug use. I doubt she could imagine how it would leave us feeling. Or, maybe she did and still didn't care.

    Today I wondered if I too would become depressed and do myself in! My late friend had found her roommate dead from suicide years ago, and sure enough, though she knew how it hurt when someone dies that way, she went and did it herself. What a cycle. What a viscious cycle. Let's not become depressed ourselves. Me, I'm looking hard at everyone I know who might be suicidal. I'm going to be more of a friend. I'm going to keep in touch with them more. Maybe by doing something I can not get depressed myself.

    Lonz