I lost my mother when I was little

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by lulu rose, Oct 28, 2007.

  1. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    When I was 9, I lost my mum. She was on perscribed drugs from the doctor.

    She had tamazipam, anti depressants and high strength painkillers.

    One night, she took a massive dose of all 3, and lapsed into a coma that she'd never wake from. I found her in the morning, she just looked like she was asleep. She had written on my mirror in lipstick something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I cant take the pain anymore. I love you"

    Me being young, I diddnt understand. So I wrote her a letter asking what it meant and if she was coming back. I also tried to get her to drink orange juice through a straw because she always said orange jhuice makes you feel better.

    After a while I called my grand dad, and he rushed down, he knew what had happened and the ambulance was there really quickly. I remember watching her being stretchered out and there was blood where they'd put the tap and the needles.

    They couldnt save her, so they had to let her die.

    It was hard........but I cant really remember it.

    When I turned 16 I started to hate her for leaving us, she left my dad with debt and pain, and she left me without a mother.

    But recently...........I came to realise that I couldn;t remember the sound of her voice, I dont know anything about who she was........and then I couldn't hate her.

    I cry about her now, every march, thats when she died.

    I'm 21 now, but it's still hard.
  2. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    I am so very,very sorry,it is the worst of nightmares rolled into one

    Where is/was your father?.. are you an only child?

    Have you had counselling for this.. it may not be for everyone but I have found it useful lately although I do not have your memories to deal with

    Keep talking to us
  3. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I live with my dad. At the time my dad was at work. He brought me up. The lack of a female presence in my life has made me really withdrawn. People say you need your mother when your boyfriend breakes up with you and then decides to never talk to you again even when after you try to die he looks into your eyes and tells you he loves you, he still cares and he'll always be my friend.

    I havn't had counceling for my mothers passing, but I'm sure I will........
  4. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    I think that you should try a female counsellor.. such a step is a sign of strength not of weakness..but to get the benefit you really have to "make the effort" from the point of view of telling her exactly how you feel about things ie don' t bottle things up

    .I used to be a bit cynical about the value of counselling ( "too american") but in fact it has proved invaluable

    Do you have any girl-friends that you can discuss your ex with? There are also a number of girl members about your age who seem to have similar issues , but not fortunately with the early other experience

    How is your relationship with your dad- what a terrible time he has had too,I take it he has not remarried?
  5. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I have no girl friends anymore.......the one I did have has tuned her back on me.......she lives up in wolverhampton and my friends up there are probablly saying things like "shes mental" "good ridance" "she onlt did it for attention"

    I'm scared of them..

    I have online friends mostly.....and my dad isn;t remarried but he's been seeing Maureen for 8 years now......I wish I had something like that.

    Me and my dad aren't very close...

    I'm a tomboy so I get on with guys more than girls, but I'm always scared to run to them when I'm like this because I'm frightened that they'll try something with me.