I lost my safety net

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fallen2far, Feb 23, 2014.

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  1. fallen2far

    fallen2far Member

    I've been thinking about killing myself for as long as I can remember.I distracted myself from these thoughts, but they always come back. I planned it so my family wouldn't miss me.

    Its possible these feelings fueled my sense of worthlessness and self hatred. I stopped believing compliments, waiting endlessly for actions to justify words. Actions that never came.

    When I was a teenager, I had convinced myself there was a God using a simple physics principle. It gave me a sense of relaxation and peace. It gave me a sense that there was order to the universe and even if my life was hard and joyless, there was something else I couldn't understand that justified it.

    Recently, the equation changed. I don't believe in God anymore. My last prayer was for God to kill me. I look at my life and I'm exactly where I knew I'd be when I first wanted to kill myself. You can call it a self fulfilling prophesy if you want, but I find myself here powerless, alone, unaccomplished, slaving to nowhere with nothing but my many, many failures.

    If it wasn't for the failures.... or the "regretful" rejections..... or if I was more normal. I find myself desperate and all the possible outcomes result in prolonging inevitability of loneliness, misery and death..... I feel like suicide will at least avoid the lonliness and misery.

    I always avoided medication. At first because I never trusted what I would be with mood alterations (I never drank or did illegal drugs) but now it's because i never have much money. Having to keep up with a prescription would be hard for me... not to mention the therapy bills to get the perscriptions. I have insurance, but even the piling $25 deductibles would be daunting. I'm also desperately trying to find employment and am afraid of revealing my problems.... I don't tell anyone and am afraid of false positives on a drug test if I were to take something like Wellbutrin or Zoloft.
     
  2. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    i'm not sure if you live in the US but it is illegal for them to ask anything about your personal health in job interviews. as far as prescription meds showing up on drug tests, i'm not sure. maybe somebody else is better qualified to answer that.

    yes, i too struggle with this concept of god. i had one a long time ago, felt more useful and purposeful, but i lost it. always struggled with depression but it got bad so bad i couldn't handle it anymore and was hospitalized 2 times in the last 2 years. and i finally got medicated, which in my case is nothing to rave about. i know, i'm on short term disability so i make like $600 a month so those $25 copays add up. but i may be eligible for medicaid and they would be supplemental and cover the copays.

    killing myself was always in the back of my head as an out. you know, "if i make it thru this summer then i won't kill myself", "after this class i'll kill myself", "if we break up i'll just kill myself" "if i go broke and lose everything i'll just kill myself". my whole adult life. i'm working hard some days to try to think differently but it's fucked up. i want to try some dialectical behavioral therapy but insurance doesn't take it and it's expensive.

    i have a few people i can talk to and i started a private group on facebook of about 45 of us who talk about what's going on regarding depression or trauma or hurt or addiction...is there anybody out there you trust? if not, keep talking on here and stay in touch.

    bobbi
     
  3. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    To "Jim K" I don't see your message here, but it came as a notice in my regular email and I just wanted to say thanks. It meant a great deal to me, your encouragement. Be well.

    bobbi
     
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