I've been thinking about killing myself for as long as I can remember.I distracted myself from these thoughts, but they always come back. I planned it so my family wouldn't miss me. Its possible these feelings fueled my sense of worthlessness and self hatred. I stopped believing compliments, waiting endlessly for actions to justify words. Actions that never came. When I was a teenager, I had convinced myself there was a God using a simple physics principle. It gave me a sense of relaxation and peace. It gave me a sense that there was order to the universe and even if my life was hard and joyless, there was something else I couldn't understand that justified it. Recently, the equation changed. I don't believe in God anymore. My last prayer was for God to kill me. I look at my life and I'm exactly where I knew I'd be when I first wanted to kill myself. You can call it a self fulfilling prophesy if you want, but I find myself here powerless, alone, unaccomplished, slaving to nowhere with nothing but my many, many failures. If it wasn't for the failures.... or the "regretful" rejections..... or if I was more normal. I find myself desperate and all the possible outcomes result in prolonging inevitability of loneliness, misery and death..... I feel like suicide will at least avoid the lonliness and misery. I always avoided medication. At first because I never trusted what I would be with mood alterations (I never drank or did illegal drugs) but now it's because i never have much money. Having to keep up with a prescription would be hard for me... not to mention the therapy bills to get the perscriptions. I have insurance, but even the piling $25 deductibles would be daunting. I'm also desperately trying to find employment and am afraid of revealing my problems.... I don't tell anyone and am afraid of false positives on a drug test if I were to take something like Wellbutrin or Zoloft.