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I lost myself trying to save everybody.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ikaruga, May 7, 2007.

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  1. ikaruga

    ikaruga New Member

    It's kind of weird to find myself posting about this on the internet..

    I had lot of pressure in my life, i always had to succeed, I always had to be the best. I was always liked by everyone; I loved my friends, I was always there for them, they could call me at any hour of the day, and i'd be there to listen and give advices. I would never give up on anyone, no matter how bad they messed up. Everybody deserves a second chance.

    I met my friend years ago, and we clicked really hard. I had found someone i had lots in common; and she was an awesome person. As our friendship progressed, I found out a lot about her, about her past, she told me everything about herself, we became each other's confident. We were watching each other's back, we cared for one another a lot. We were together all the time

    I went through so much crap for her, it's unbelievable. But I never complained. She needed help, she was my friend. She wanted to talk to someone. She told so many times how much she felt safe with me.

    Also i'd like to point out that there was never any sexual tension between us, we were like brother/sister to each other. It was a pretty cool relationship considering how drama-crazy friendships between a guy and a woman can get sometimes.

    Still, I cared a whole lot about her, and i never judged her for some of the things she has done. Our relationship was bullshit free.

    In the past months, I've been having lots of personal problems and I had to talk. I trusted her so much, but when i started talking about how i felt, she.. was different.

    She became different.

    She just.. didnt seem to care much. It was all about her? she would always changed the subject to her or other insignifiant things. Its like she didnt care about what I was saying. I told her how important it was for me to talk about this, and she just didnt really listen anymore. It's as if my life and my problems were 'banal'

    She meant the world to me, she was my guardian angel, she kept me sane. And now its like she doesnt care about how i feel about myself, my career? What happened?

    I feel so alone now. I feel like she just used me as her emotional sponge for all those years. All those night i spent with her when she was crying about something, and I was always there for her. Hell I was pretty much one of the few decent guy she has ever known.

    But now that i'm feeling down, really down, she just.. doesnt care. It's all about her. I just need an ear. It's like my life is banal to her. Just a trivial thing. I hate myself so much. I feel used.

    And a week ago she told me she might be moving back to her old town, 500km away from here. And my best bud, a guy i've known since we were kids, told me he was accepting a job far away last week two.

    In a matter of a week, it's like I have lost my arms and my legs. I feel like an idiot for being so affected by this at my age (i'm 25); but i feel like i've been backstabbed by her. I was just used. I was always there for her, but when I'm having massive doubts about myself and what i'm doing with my life and so on; its like she doesnt care. She's just not interested.

    I'm so devastated; i'm losing my two best friends, and i even find out that maybe one of them didnt just give a crap about me in the first case. Mixed with my doubts about career and university (I'm finishing up my Engineering degree while working full time) the fact that I hate myself so much. I feel like my entire world is falling down.

    when they'll be gone, whats going to happen to me? Oh god i feel so alone, how could this happen to me..

    I feel that some decisions (when it came to women) that were suggested by her were perhaps, now in retrospect, just some weird scheme to manipulate me and keep me around. She always had some feelings for me, but she would trash any girl that would show any interest in me, and a year ago, i had problems with one of my ex, a girl I had been with for over 7 years, and she made cut contact with that girl since "she was no good to you"

    anyhow enough with the rambling..

    I was always there for everybody, but now I have nothing, nothing at all. nobody wants to listen, I've lost my only real confident (I'm not going to get all emotive with my childhood friend, I mean, we're guys). Everything thinks i'm so happy, people love my wicked sense of humor, i'm always upbeat, I'm always joking and making people laugh, but deep inside, i'm rotten and wish i would never wake up each night when i go to bed.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2007
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :hug: Damn I hate when this shit happens:sad: Sounds like you met a user hun, they drain you dry and then just move on to the next poor sap :hug:
    The whole thing with any girl you might get involved with, well yeah of course she has to sabotage it..you might not be there 24/7 for her needs.
    I know it's not much, but you could meet some really good friends here, who will listen and share the good and bad times with you. Hope you stay around long enough for us to get to know you :hug:
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