I lost so much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MartinSL, May 14, 2011.

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  1. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    I'm new to this site looking for help as I don't see an exit to how I've been feeling lately. My girlfriend of 2 almost 3 years dumped me a couple weeks ago. It would not be as bad if that was all, but she also started another relationship, in the same week, with one of my best friends. When she dumped me, I was not aware of her new relationship. I looked up to that friend for support and advice. Then a couple days later, he told me himself, something is going on between them. It felt, and still does, like I lost everything. Not only my what I thought to be soul mate, love of my life, but also my best friend. After losing such big parts of my life, all I have left is my job, which I always hated, but tolerated it only because I had her in my life. Now everything is gone and I can't live with myself anymore. Every minute of everyday feels like it could be my last and I just lost interest in everything. I made mistakes when I was with her, but she never talked about them. I never saw it coming and never had a second chance. I still love her and working on getting her back, but although I had hopes, it just feels like she's not into it. I'm supposed to hear from her again in a couple of days after she's done ''thinking'' but I feel it, deep inside, she won't come back.

    I am really scared.. alone... and depressed.
  2. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    That's a horrible thing to have to go through. But let me tell you this: If she would do that to you, she's not the person you thought you were in love with. Do you really want to be with someone who would betray you like that? Who wouldn't take your feelings into consideration before starting something with your friend after a relationship that had lasted so long?

    Even if she decides to take you back, I'd tell her you have some thinking to do of your own.

    You can find someone better. Someone who won't hurt you. Trust me, I know how much something like that can hurt, but you have to wonder if maybe you're learning something new and important about her that would make you rethink whether or not she's your "soul mate."

    And, as a postscript, that friend of yours obviously isn't much of a friend. I'd ditch him too.
  3. ConfusedSilence

    ConfusedSilence Well-Known Member

    I agree with Groznyji. This girl doesn't sound worth it if she acts like this. It's not just callous, it's cruel. And your friend hasn't thought about you at all here. Even if he's meant to be with this girl, you need time to heal from this break up and he hasn't even thought about that.

    If you need to talk, I'm right here. :)
  4. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    Cruel... it really is. I don't know why she keeps leaving a door opened, or why she acts like there is one. Every time I seem to be doing some progress in forgetting her, I fall right back where I was. It feels like it will never end. It feels like I'll never move on.

    I've been dumped before and every time I got through it without holding on to her. This time just feels different. Something inside me keeps pushing me to try to salvage something out of what we used to be.

    It is a constant struggle to stay away from her, physically and mentally. It's exhausting me and pushing me to the edge. I can't function when I got so much on my mind. I don't smile, I don't eat, I can't do anything. All I have left are memories of us feeding my sadness.

    This should have been our weekend. It makes today even harder to get through. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just feel like getting behind the wheel and drive all day. Drive and crash. Crash and die.
  5. ConfusedSilence

    ConfusedSilence Well-Known Member

    I realise how hard this must be for you, but look at the fact that, if you agree her doing this was cruel, you weren't on the same page, and the fact that she's gone off with your "friend" shows that the relationship wasn't working.

    And please don't do that. You don't deserve to die and I think that your existance is more than just her boyfriend.
  6. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    Thanks CS and you are right. I know that, even if I get my second chance now, it won't last. It is the hardest thing to accept, knowing that no matter what you do, it is bound to fail. I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistakes but I can't. It's already been a few weeks and I still don't realize I might never see her again.

    I feel so pathetic, being the only one that actually still cares about us. I wish I was strong, I wish I wouldn't let all of this get to me, but I just can't seem to be able to shake it off. Love hurts more than anything I ever felt and god knows how bumpy of a ride my life has been so far. Not only am I alone now, but also replaced. It feels like she left not only with my heart, but my identity and my soul.

    It's raining today. It is usually so appeasing for me but today is different. It feels as the world is crying for me as I have nothing left in the tank to do that myself.
  7. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    You should just cut off contact with her. It's never easy to get over someone, but what exactly is it that's making you fall right back where you were? Are you still talking to her? Every time you talk to her the time it will take for you to heal will be reset, because there will always be that hope in the back of your mind.

    I know this because I can completely empathize with what you're going through. It hurts like hell. Your friends will say things like "there are plenty of fish in the sea" but it doesn't help, because you're thinking there's only one fish you really wanted.

    In reality, you're going to find someone else who loves and appreciates you once you get over the nonsense this girl is putting you through. Looking back, you'll be happy that you went through what you're going through now, because that girl is out there somewhere and you're never going to meet her if you keep letting this girl jerk around with your emotions.

    By the way, don't say you're weak. You're not. Losing someone you love (or in this case, finding out the girl you love isn't who you thought she is) hurts like hell and if anyone says otherwise they're either lying or they never cared in the first place. You're human, so from one guy to another: Don't feel like you have superman your way through this.
  8. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    Yes I still talk to her. I'm torn between love and hate. One day I want to move on, the next I just want to hear her voice. I know I should just drop everything but it's hard when, like tonight, I come back home and I find out she left a message asking me to call her back. Should I just ignore it? Should I call her back although the chances she'll have anything positive to say are slim?

    Bah... I think I'm too tired for that today. I'll think about it later. I need to sleep.

    No suicidal thoughts today... crossing fingers for tomorrow..

    Thank you for your advice and support, it helps a lot
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    No words of wisdom...just sending my caring and some big hugs, as I know first hand how painful this situation is...J
  10. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    I wouldn't call her. You don't need people in your life that are going to cause you pain. Talk to a friend instead if you feel lonesome.

    Of course, the decision is up to you, but it sounds like you're getting kind of fed up with the way she's jerking your emotions around.
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you need to cut off all communication with her.. She's just stringing you along.. She's already cheated on you ,who says she wouldn't do it again..As far as your friend goes I would cut your loss's and not have anything to do with him anymore..He backstabbed you..
  12. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    Lesson learned. Never try to keep a flame burning if you know, deep inside, that it's gone.

    The door was shut on my nose once again. For good. Back to square one. With nothing left.

    This might be my last post. If it is, thanks for having heard me out. It helped while it lasted.

    No places left for me in this world. I must go.
  13. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    That last post sounded a bit ominous.

    Don't look at it as something you've lost, but rather something you've gained. You've gained a new future and an entirely new set of possibilities.

    Keep us posted, man. We're here to help.
  14. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    As I posted my last message I was ready to give up. I drove for about 2 hours, not going anywhere. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't live with myself. You know when you just can't seem to be able to escape your own thoughts. Driving usually calms me down and clears my mind but even then, whether it be songs on the radio, places we went to... she was everywhere.

    I can't say why but I ended up driving back home and just passed out the moment I stepped in my appartment. Woke up the next morning with nothing but blurred memories of the night before. Felt like a hang over. I went to see my family and even though all the thoughts were still there... it was a bit better.

    Now I'm back at work where it is usually the worst. I'm still having bad thoughts... like I won't get home tonight. How can anyone function when such things are on your mind? I don't get it... If all goes well, I should be posting something later today.

    God help me stay strong.
  15. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    I can now add my grandpa to my list of things lost this month. He passed away a few hours ago...

    It all adds up... and is becoming way too much for me :'(
  16. zaqen

    zaqen New Member

    I had the same thing happen to me a long time ago (thankfully), although my friend never told me about their relationship and kept it secret for a couple of months.

    I didn't feel the sadness you do i think, I was walking around on edge filled with anger and showed everything and everyone away from me.

    Today which is about 5 years later i have made friends again with him, we talked about it for a very long time and talking with him when he was no longer in the relationship made me realize that i didn't have anything to do with their "love". It happened and my partner of the time was indeed very cold hearted which lead her to break my friends heart as well.

    My suggestion would be to completely throw away the love you had for your ex and realize that you are better then this, you deserve better!
    I cannot see how much you value your friendship but if you do, i suggest you have a serious talk and explain how your partner treated you and how she very well might treat him. If he believes you, it might save your friendship.

    About your grandfathers death i cannot support you with... I have no experience dealing with death so I have no right to consult you about these things.
  17. MartinSL

    MartinSL Member

    The hard part of it all is that I still love her, despite her running away with my friend. It was all to sudden for me to feel anything else but love and regret... I had my anger phase, but it all came back down as sadness and wanting to get her back, which I know isn't helping my case.

    As for my friend... I don't know. I honestly don't think I could talk to him again after this. Maybe once she breaks his heart, like you said. Cuz it will most likely happen. She just keeps everything inside 'till it's too much, and then moves on. That's pretty much why I never got a second chance... :(

    My grandpa's death kind of came out of nowhere... but surprisingly.. it's kind of getting my mind off of her.. for now. I'm really decided in moving on and never talking to her again. Must.. not... call... arg. I need some air.

    Thanks for your post zaqen... always nice when you know people got through this kind of stuff!..
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