I love being alone, yet I feel lonely?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dark, Jun 7, 2016.

  1. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Does anyone else here love being alone? But at the same time, they are lonely? I can't quite explain the feeling I am going through. I've had some terrible experiences with people in the past and it has caused me a lot of heartache. So, I had periods where I withdrew and then went back into society. However now, I seemed to have withdrew myself nearly completely, but feel so lonely. I have two friends in my life I hardly see, as I've moved so far away from them. I live alone in my house. I order everything online, from groceries to entertainment. I have a car, but I hardly ever drive. My days mostly consist of me waking up, exercising, check mail, browsing the internet, reading, cooking, doing hobbies or taking a nap. I have no problem taking care of myself or my house. Yet, I still feel a gaping hole in my life. It's like I'm missing any real and true connections, but paradoxically, I love my own company and feel free when I'm alone.

    So, I'm basically a recluse that doesn't feel any connection with anybody.I HATE going out and depending on my mood, even fear it. Now, I appreciate all my family, friends and support I get and I respect them a lot.... however I just don't feel ANY emotional connection with them at all. I've tried to get into society, but I found it too awkward to function in..... I FEEL like I don't get along with most people and they aren't worth my time. Keep in mind this is how I FEEL not what I THINK, I try to override my emotions with giving people a fair shot and trying to withhold my judgements. However, I find it is always them judging me unfairly and shallowly, which causes me to withdraw and cut connections. I know I should also be introspecting and seeing what I could do to help and improve myself, I do this a lot (and have all the time in the world to do it.) And I've just come to the conclusion that I don't fit into society at all and feel like an outcast, at the same time I feel like people aren't giving me a fair chance or they're shallow minded. (The keyword is "feel".) On the contrary, I want to feel like I belong and have at least one close connection with somebody. Can anyone that was or is in a similar situation please give me some guidance and advice?
     
    Asdlax likes this.
  2. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Have you tried volunteer work? People would probably be more appreciative of the time and effort that you put into them there. In my experience most people aren't interested in you if you can't offer them something. So I'd advise you to stop trying to fit in with people who don't have the decency to acknowledge your efforts and spend your time more productively.
     
    Petal likes this.
  3. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    Yes. I feel similarly. I think it's because we have our ideal of how people should be and they don't meet our standards. Sometimes, it's not that we want to be alone, but that we don't feel a connection with people or being around people is unpleasant to the point that being alone is preferable. That doesn't mean we still don't crave socialization and emotional intimacy. It might sound weird, but I think it's that we're critical of people because we're critical of ourselves. It might be that we see in others what we don't like about ourselves or people make us too aware of our own faults and weaknesses. If that's the case we have to work from within.

    Another thing that might be considered is what we want vs. what we are socialized to want. For example, a person might be happy being alone, but if he's inundated with messages from others telling him that true happiness is achieved only with other people, it can cause some distress or dissonance. I get that it's natural to aspire for more, but if you are content by yourself , and only when you compare yourself to what you think you should be that you feel distressed, this is worth considering.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    My experiences are pretty similar to yours. I usually like being alone because I don't get hurt that way. I start to pull away if I feel that people are bored with me or wanting to leave. So I tend to isolate and shut everyone out. It's not healthy and I'm trying to find ways to change that. It is hard though when all you know is pain.
     
  5. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Thanks for that. Funny you mentioned that. Lately, I've actually been looking up for things I can do to volunteer for the community and am going to give it a shot. I'm still trying to trudge on. I just find it extremely discouraging to feel like I've been used all the time, it's like I try to offer people friendliness and they take advantage of it in any way they can.
     
  6. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Glad to see I'm not alone. I admit I can be very critical of myself.I know that it's a fact that people are also innately social creatures, we NEED to socialise and feel a connection.It's just part of our biology. I think in my situation, since I'm an introvert; I love being alone, I love the freedom of being able to say, do or dress however I want. However, even introverts need some social interaction. Hmmm.... while it's true we are socially conditioned that more friends equates to a more fulfilling life - I think with my particular circumstance, I'm just looking for someone I can trust and emotionally connect with.Everything else like intelligence, race, gender,looks all take a backstage (at least I try my hardest not to base my outlook of a person on those uncontrollable variables.) I try to be open-minded to other viewpoints and try to empathise with others and their situations. I know we all naturally judge; so I can say with certainty, I ATTEMPT to judge people fairly. I don't see myself better than anyone, I just think relationships should be built on trust. But, perhaps seeking relationships built on trust is a very high standard in itself? I certainly do appreciate what I have and the people in my life, even if I feel empty from within. There is definitely a dissonance in how I feel and what I want is somewhat contradictory. However, I don't think it's because society expects me to have to have friends, it is because I actually do need at least some rapport with somebody. It's more of an instinctive need, than expectation. I think my problems lie with a different social expectation; I find that a lot of people seem to value being assertive and egotistic, only caring about what they want, rather than what anyone else wants. I'm not sure if that's my newfound cynicism talking based on confirmation bias or just my confrontation of reality.Perhaps over the on and off years I've been trying to rleate and connect with others and maintaining a positive outlook of the world; maybe my mind has just dwindled into a state of isolation and admittedly some negativity. Recently, I've been thinking maybe I'm just cursed to not being able to emotionally connect with anyone? I just don't understand what else I can do to feel any personal connection anymore. Thanks for the input.
     
  7. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    I can relate completely. I think it's just our strategy to try and recover from emotional pain, when it gets overbearing. I think it can be healthy in moderation and if you have control (to charge our batteries, so to speak). But, when it gets to the point where you're shutting a lot of people out constantly is where there would a negative impact on your life. I've only recently started to shut practically everyone out, I guess I feel fed up in a lot of ways. But, when you've been trying to have a bond built on trust for years and years to only have them broken again and again.... I believe what we feel would be the appropriate and natural response. At least we're both persisting, trying to change and move forward. I think that's what matters the most.
     
    Witty_Sarcasm likes this.
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Dark, we must be related! I have lived alone for close to forty years. My teddy bears are my best friends. They never leave the toilet seat up! But I do get out of the house for work, groceries, church, etc. But have no real close relationships. I remember times when I would see two people holding hands, walking on the beach and my heart would ache with pain. But I guess I have finally accepted the fact that being alone is where I am most comfortable. And there is nothing wrong with that.

    I do believe there is an anxiety component to my isolation. I get too nervous around people and worry that I will say and do the wrong thing. I am thinking this might be the case for you. You sound like it is difficult to get out of the house at all. The volunteer work is a great idea. Is there a zoo, vet clinic, or dog/cat pound where you could help out. Animals are so totally non judgmental. And people who work with animals are some of the best in the world.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  9. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Haha, that's awesome! Yeah, teddy bears are low maintenance, so I can see why people love them so much. I think there is also a social anxiety component for me as well and I believe it worsens the more I cut myself off from the rest of the world. I've actually tried going to volunteer in an an animal centre, but I think they've shut down or the managers are taking a break. For they are never open, even when I visit the opening hours and I can't get a hold of them. I also agree there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. I think it's the greatest time for reflection, introspection and personal growth that can only be achieved in isolation. However, I think intimacy is important as well and I don't believe that requires you to have an enormous social network, just someone you can relate and connect with and that comes with trust. I can manage to get out of the house, but I prefer not to....as of late, it is extremely difficult and it's also dependent on my mood. Thanks for sharing.
     
    SillyOldBear likes this.
  10. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Dark, yes I can relate to how you feel. I've always been uncomfortable around people, mostly related to anxiety I think. I feel awkward and nervous, though I've learned to control it to function when neccessary......I do prefer the non-judgemental company of animals though....especially dogs.....I'm quite happy in their company any time :)
    There are times I wish I weren't like this and that I could be "normal" but then again.....for me.....this is normal, so I'm learning to accept it as part of my life. I also relate better to people who love animals too and "teddy bears" like my friend @SillyOldBear :) take care and go with the flow my friend.
    Brian
     
  11. SomeGuy77

    SomeGuy77 Member

    Dark you described my life to the letter. I was like that for 18 years, but since two years ago I've changed. I am still alone and have no friends, but I find it much easier to go out now and actually enjoy it a lot. I've learned and still learning to accept people's shortcomings. Most people have a bad and a good side, it's not all bad, even for some it's mostly bad. But for others as mentioned they also have good sides to them, so I've learned to not judge them and see that as their weakness, not mine.

    I think it has a lot to do with personal insecurity, and resentment. I realized that we are here to live and learn, and we carry our 'masks' for that task. Those masks mean nothing without interaction. Some people are meant to be assholes, and some not, and some like us who don't want to interact with them at all. But the point is not to stay the same.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  12. Asdlax

    Asdlax INFJ 1w2

    I can relate. I'm an introvert neet. My real life is on the internet. Online relationships has helped me learn about people in a more.. personal? or deeper level. Which is one reason among many why I have given up on my 3D life.

    But then I've encountered too many failures in relationships be that friendships or more.. that it becomes hard to start another one FROM SCRATCH. Every. Single. Time....

    It's not easy. Lost my faith in humanity long ago and I don't believe I'd be as lucky as to meet the right person for me who can reciprocate my capacity of love and all. You're super lucky if you meet someone who resonates with your soul.. who speaks to you in the same wavelength, who shares the same humour, someone who cries and laughs at the same things.

    I wish there is someone out there who can reach me and touch my soul. And I hope we would cross paths someday... speak of making emotional connection, I have one best friend online. He's my only friend... my first TRUE friend, and he is emotionally detached.... yes, ironic. It doesn't end there. I love him. Of course he doesn't feel the same way. He didn't even respond to my confession. I had to ask him for it. And obviously I was rejected. "I can't fall in love with anybody", he said. I don't know if that's better or worse than him dumping me because he likes someone else.. either way we decided to continue our friendship.

    The rest is another story. I wanted to help him and I have been but he shows no much progress.. as expected considering I'm no professional. Chatting with him everyday only becomes harder and harder. I'm taking a break off that friendship atm.

    I don't know if I should give up or wait. My conscience is telling me to move on; but perhaps I should just start with making more friends (online). And then have it end up not working anymore because of the physical distance like last time or the one before? Woah.

    I wrote a lot more than I intended. Thanks if anybody read this far.
     
    Brian777 and Petal like this.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I had one particular ''friend'' that used me all the time, every time I saw her but karma bit her in the ass. I stopped smoking partly because she was always asking for cigarettes, since I stopped smoking which is nearly a year ago she barely spoke to me, never rings...nothing however she did invite me out for her birthday, I do not have much money as I am on disability and she got really angry that I bought her a cheap perfume, she didn't need to say it but I knew, she said ''oh i was that perfume in the pharmacy last week'' and was letting me knew it was a cheap mariah carey perfume. Keep in mind I bought her a 50 pound perfune in london last year. User. People are users. Not all people but some. There ARE some good people out there too, I do not want to brag but sometimes I am too kind for my own good but recently I have learned you cannot buy friends, any friend who just wants a chat and a giggle and doesn't talk behind your back are worth keeping in my hunble opinion.

    As for the original question. I am a loner. I LOVE being alone and having my own space but I do get lonely and I never seem to have anyone to talk to IRL. It's saddening though because I know I am a a good person, I am loyal and caring...I know that. But other people don't want to know me because I am known as the girl that stayed in the house for 5 years and accused a man of rape and he got away with it,the people around here are gossipers and judge. I'm happy being a loner 99% of the time, the other 1% makes me rather upset and guilty even though I've done nothing wrong. Just my 2 cents ... :)
     
  14. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Thanks for all the solid advice and sharing of stories. Glad to know I'm not alone in the world with this problem. I would just like to add, to back up my claim that people judge me unfairly, a lot of people around my age and in the millenial generation seem to be obsessed with Facebook. I tell people I don't have Facebook because it doesn't interest me. I don't mind people who love Facebook, I personally think it's full of drama and people seeking validation and suddenly I'm they think it's abnormal and I get filtered out of any chance for a friendship. (Shrugs)
    Also, for anyone who wants a more "elitist" perspective. Apparently people who have fewer friends are the most intelligent and also more loyal:
    http://www.tenetnews.com/loners-tend-intelligent-loyal_4370.html

    I feel that is quite true for me, it's not that I hate being around people; I just feel like there is an invisible barrier that divides me and others from truly connecting. Online articles should be taken with a grain of salt though, but maybe this is a slightly more optimistic outlook on why we love being alone.