i love bulimia

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by shadowheart, May 1, 2009.

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  1. shadowheart

    shadowheart Well-Known Member

    well, i fucking hate everyhing about myself.....
    everything....the things i used to like about myself are long gone.....they went when i realised that they were all just lies to make myself feel better....

    but....anywai......i am bulimic.....and i like it, it is the one thing that makes me feel better about myself.....like i am actually in control of my life....even if everything else is a total mess....

    its the only way i know to express how fucking sick i make myself without leaveing visible marks....

    does anyone else feel this way....

    or am i really just messed up?? :mellow:

  2. shadowheart

    shadowheart Well-Known Member

    seriously....any reply would be nice?

    any thoughts....

    from anyone....

  3. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    You're not messed up, many people suffer from bulimia and the same feelings. :hug:
    Eating disorders give a false sense of control and safety, but it's actually them controlling us.
    Have you considered seeing a therapist about your feelings?
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    I'm not bulimic myself so I'm not sure if I can say much that's relevant to the issue. I do know there are many people here who don't feel good about themselves a lot of the time. Self-esteem issues and depression seem to go hand-in-hand. (I've been there myself on too many occasions.) The things that help me are simply doing things I enjoy, not focusing on the negative things about myself and looking for positive things in myself, others, and the world in general. It's easier to say than do, of course. :hug:

    Just wanted to let you know that I hope you won't take the lack of quick replies to this post personally. I'm quite sure it is not intentional. Sometimes it takes a while for people to respond to posts - for several different reasons. The original post sometimes hits too close to home for some and it's too painful to answer. Not everyone feels they have something to add and they'd rather say nothing than say something that makes you feel worse. Other times, there's a time difference issue and people may not see your post for a while. Remember that if you're in a crisis, we do have the suicide and crisis forums for when people are really in a bad place and need a response asap. I hope you're not that upset right now because that's a lousy way to feel.

    I hope I've helped in some way - sorry I've nothing deep or profound to offer you, hun.

  5. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    A lot of people feel the same way about exercise, bodybuilding, some forms of substance abuse and sometimes even relationships. But it's like Mel said, when you're dependent on something to make you feel better, it is more in control of your life than you are.
  6. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    You may love bulimia but bulimia does not love you.

    You should see this if you haven't already:

    You feel like you are in control but that is just an illusion. Eating disorders ALWAYS eventually end up controlling you and soon you get even MORE out of control, but this time you are TRULY out of control. You can't control you weight, tastebuds, digesting properly, going number 2 properly, walking without fainting, having a heart that does not randomly conk out--eating disorders have the HIGHEST mortality rate of all mental illnesses and OMG is it addictive. Trust me, you WILL lose control and eventually your life in a very painful, drawn out way that will hurt the eyes of all your loved ones.

    You aren't messed up, you are a normal person with messed up problems. Bulimia, though, will actually mess you up, usually permanently.

    I know you don't like yourself. I get that, I hate myself. I think I'm ugly, dumb, and unlovable. At some point you have to ask yourself, am I right? It's awfully hard to say yes if you are doing such self-destructive things that others also do while feeling exactly like you, so maybe the problem isn't actually you, but it's your eyes. Your eyes are like mine, I think, faulty because they can't see me in a realistic, non-hateful way the way my eyes see other people. Your eyes do a good job in seeing and appreciating others, but they simply do not work right when you look at yourself!
  7. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Bulimia leaves many visible permanent marks. Just not so much in the early stages. Your teeth rot, your hair falls out more, your skin gets discoloured, you become more prone to infection, your heart goes haywire, you can split your oesophagus. I could go on forever about the side effects.

    It's only a false sense of control. I can tell you that now - been there, done that. You're not controlling bulimia. It's controlling you. Maybe its hard to see it right now, but it gets more obvious as time passes by. Do you have anyone irl to talk to about this?

  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    A girl I knew once said she liked being bulimic because she was in control also.
    I said to her how can you liken purging to being in control? Being sick is one of those reflexes that takes over your entire body and it feels like you are OUT of control. Try and stop yourself mid-vom. You can't.
    Maybe it is one way to realise bulimia is controlling you and not the other way around.

    If you are controlling it, then stop. Tomorrow.

    You can't.

    I know how you are feeling on one hand. I look in the mirror and it makes me sick to see my face. I even cut my forehead a few months ago with a razor because I felt so fucking ugly and hideous, I wanted everybody who stared at me to see this huge visible scar and give them something to really stare at.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    you aren't sick. you feel in control right now and there's nothing wrong with that. it is helping you for reasons only you know.

    there might be a time when you don't feel in control anymore- then it kinda gets frightening, especially when theres' not much help out there for people with bulimia (in the UK at least).

    look after yourself.
  10. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't describe you as just messed up. What are the things that you used to like about yourself? Bulimia might make you think you're in control, but it soon starts to control you. Princess Diana suffered Bulimia too, and she said it started when her marriage broke down. Bulimia can be a reaction to a series of stressful life events, so it's an indication of something deeper, something that is often extremely painful to confront let alone think about. Right now it sounds like you kinda like the Bulimia, is it possible you could look at it from another angle?
    All the best.
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