This is a long post, but please bare with me. Thank you. I know I have a mood disorder, that I cry a lot of the time and how I'm always afraid of getting abandoned because so many people has always left me in the end. Before I moved away from my old town I started hanging out with one of my ex boyfriend's. A lot of people tell me. He's your ex, just move on and forget about him. Honestly, to tell you the truth...he cares about me and pretty much the only person who knows me inside and out. I ended up breaking up with him because I was deeply depressed and I thought it was completely unfair to him. All my emotional turn moil went onto him and I did nothing but hurt him in the end. It made me feel horrible inside and there were days where I actually cried at night. Eventually he moved on and I moved on. My relationship didn't work out and neither did his. As I was with my boyfriend, I kept thinking about him and than one day my boyfriend at the time mentioned how he wanted to have an open relationship. In the end I broke up with him and he cried telling me that he wanted to work everything out. There was no way that I could have a open relationship. All I wanted was him, I wanted love and I began thinking back when I was so secretive and private in my last relationship. After him and I broke up, I picked up how quickly I was to move on and I ended up dating an sociopath and this brought on serious depression. I've already was in an abusive relationship before and when I came across him, all I wanted to do was run. I felt unsafe, sad and lonely. Pretty soon all my friends started abandoning me and I tried making friends with people over Facebook because I was so lonely. I was so desperate to make friends with people and I hated the way I felt. Half those people who ended up adding me, don't even know who I am at all. Finally one day my ex boyfriend contacted me again and it's been months since I've even heard from him. I always wanted to message him. In the end I didn't....I didn't want to look clingy and annoy him. Or even worse. Scare him away. He asked me to hang out with him and that he would come over and get me. We started hanging out as friends and I enjoyed hanging out with him. Shortly over time I could feel intense feelings coming back and I didn't want to say anything. One night I made a mistake and went out to hang out with one of my old friends.... =\ He came onto me and kissed me on my neck leaving me a hickey. I was so lonely and sad. When him and I hung out, we drove past my ex boyfriend's house and I saw his truck in the driveway. Apart of me wanted me to tell him to stop the car and I wanted to run up his driveway and hug him. On the way home my old friend told me that he loved me and he began smoking three cigarette's when he knew I had precancer on my cervix and got it removed. In the end I told him if he could put the cigarette out. We passed my ex boyfriend's house again and I got tears in my eyes. I kept thinking of the dog that was at my old friends house. He actually kicked his dog and made it whimper. As I'm writing this now tears are building up in my eyes. I'm so tired of this sadness and pain that I see. In the end I looked at my old friend and shook my head, he was an awful person and I never wanted to see him ever again, nor talk to him. Once I closed the door, I finally cried and I looked through pictures in my photo box and one of the pictures was a picture of my ex boyfriend and I. I went on Facebook and looked at his profile. The whole time I kept wondering to myself. What happened since I've been out of his life? Is he okay right now? Is he happy? Is he relaxed? Than suddenly I began praying and I haven't prayed in a very long long time. I promised myself that I wouldn't be secretive anymore and I told him what ended up happening when him and I hung out again. He got upset which I can understand and once I saw him in the garage I hugged him. Than he asked me, "Are you okay?" Omg! He's so sweet!! Why is he asking me if I'm okay after me making a huge mistake. Finally I promised myself that I would never hang out with my old friend again and that my ex boyfriend would be the only person I see until I move. Everyone else in my area always made plans with me and in the end all the plans failed. Finally as I moved away they asked me, "Do you want to hang out?" Once I told them that I moved, they said, "Oh wow really? I'm sorry we didn't get to hang out. I've just been so so busy lately." In the back of my mind I didn't believe it because they knew in advance that I've been moving and I told them many times of the date. My ex boyfriend was the only person who always hung out with me. He's usually a loner and hardly hang out with anyone really. Only a few people if that. Now I'm becoming a loner myself because so many people has always took me for granted and always canceled there plans out on me. It didn't just happen once either. It happened many many times. I grew deeply depressed and cried a lot. Pretty soon I always looked sad and as if I was about to cry. My ex boyfriend even picked up on it. I was sad cause of my life was changing, I had a infected kidney stone and now I was moving away and I was finally getting close to him again. He came to visit me in the hospital twice during both surgery's when I had an infected kidney stone and brought me some food he made at college because he's becoming a professional chef. There's been several times where him and I actually had sex and we kissed so passionately. As we kissed I felt so much love and it made me happy. The more it happened I started blurting out, "sweetie" and "baby". The only thing though is he told me he doesn't mind being passionate and me calling him those names, but not all the time. So I kinda backed off a little bit because I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. On the last day I didn't want to leave and I kept trying to hold in my tears. Finally believe it or not, he gave me a kiss and he said, "I love you. Don't worry you're going to be okay. You're parents still work in town. You can just carpool with them and see me when I'm off." As we drove away and I saw him waving goodbye as he was in the driveway with his sister I held in my tears. Finally as my mother went into dounkin dounuts, all my tears came out and I sobbed so hard. Still remember how my whole body shook and I said out loud, "Oh....I miss you so much.....I love you.....why is this so hard?!! I'm so sorry for breaking up with you back than!! I was just so depressed and losing my mind back than...." Finally we chatted one night and he got really upset when I started mentioning a possibility of me meeting someone. I feel so stupid and I only did this because I'm scared of being rejected by him and honestly I wasn't thinking at all. It just came out of my mouth. In the end he told me how he had a dream about me and in the dream I got a boyfriend and told him about it when I came to visit him one day and still wanted to fool around with him. In the end, he turned me down. Which I can understand and I respect him for this. I'm so glad he's like this. It just makes me love him even more. Dreams always make you do stupid things. I would never do that to him ever. I love him so much and I actually want to be with him again. He helped me out so much, gave me so much advice, introduced me to a new show and it made me laugh and I watched him cook professional food that he's learning in college. After I explained myself, apologized to him and prayed to God he forgave me. He wants me to visit him soon and sadly my mother can't do it until a much later date. He's now bummed out about it and so am I. Deep down I know that he likes me, I just wanted to get answers from other people. I'm sure there's some people don't agree with what I did since I'm not technically in a relationship with him yet. I love him though with all my heart and I trust him. He's the only guys I trust at this point. He's the only guy I feel comfortable around. Anytime I kiss him, hold him, cuddle with him and make love to him I feel blissful. I don't regret with what I did with him. Right now I just keep being patient. I need to be patient. Love is supposed to be patient and kind. ~If you read this entire thing, thank you. I know I written a lot but I needed to get this off of my chest. I'm so depressed right now and I still continue on missing him. I love him so much. I hope I get to see him sometime soon.