I love him

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by Asari Attar, Mar 22, 2008.

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  1. Asari Attar

    Asari Attar Active Member

    I really do. Thing is he has an anger problem. I'm afraid now. It never really got to me until the night before finals when he pushed me into a wall again 'cause I'd snapped at him. We were both stressed, but I can't deal anymore.

    I'm so conflicted 'cause I don't want to leave him, but I'm afraid of him, and I love him, except when the fear overwhelms the love. I just don't know what to do. I came out of an emotionally traumatic childhood. I was incapable of most emotions for years. He brought me back. He's a wonderful person, but he has no self control.

    No matter how much he knew it hurt me he couldn't even stop from asking for bjs most nights. When he gets angry he's terrifying. He's never hit me, but he's pushed me against walls a few times, and he's got alt personalities. Most of the time they're not out, but I've had a few -very- bad experiences with one of them.

    I'm lost and I'm scared. I really can't deal with this, but I don't know what to do. He says he'll try to control his temper, but even that's prolly not gonna be enough. He needs more control in general.

    I'm so jumpy these days. It's only been a few days since finals, and I go home tomorrow with him. My home, 5 hour flight, and I don't wanna be there anyways. I want to see the people, but the pain's there as well. All of this is running through me, and I'm worried about my grades 'cause we didn't study enough as it was, and after he pushed me that time I spent 3 hours crying in my room. It was the first time, and I talked in chat here and do a mutual friend, and we're trying to get him to see he needs to grow the fuck up and get some control, but I can't handle this. I'm afraid of him if he even shows signs of anger on the game we play when we're playing from different rooms. I'm panicking about tomorrow. I fall into spells of fear and terror around him if he even gets irked. It shouldn't be happening, and if I tell him it'll kill him, but it's slowly killing me. I was the walking dead for over 4 years until I got out of Cali and started taking my life back. Now to not be in a constant panic I have to be dead again. It's emotionally dead. I don't know what to do. I can't survive this way.

    I'm lost and really afraid. I don't have a reason to be this afraid, but I am.

    'm sorry. I just can't keep this locked up.
  2. x.R.x

    x.R.x Well-Known Member

    He may not want to hear it, but he really does need professional help for his anger before it gets any worse. He can't go on treating you this way :hug:
  3. thedudeabides

    thedudeabides Active Member

    im not one to post very often i value my solitude. but i can relate to the anger thing in a way most people can't, i used to have very severe anger problems, i was about 15 or so. to put things in perspective i think i should point out that at the time i was probably about 300 lbs and 6 feet tall, i dont remember what was said at the time, all i remember is that it was me and my mom standing outside of my bedroom door, she said something hurtful to me and the feeling i got was betrayal, like i had asked for help or said something and she returned it with this hurtful response. i hit her across one cheek as hard as i could and she bent to one side and said "oh god, he hit me" she was surprised that i did it, my father was close by and he was just as shocked. i slammed my door shut and got into bed, after i calmed down i realized what i had done and i stayed in bed for 3 days straight crying, i moved maybe twice to use the bathroom when everyone left the house. i think its important to say that during those 3 days i didnt watch tv or play video games, i just thought about what i did, i didnt feel boredom either from sitting in bed from the time i woke up to the time i went to sleep. after those 3 days i came out and my mom asked me if i would see a therapist and i agreed, i came to the conclusion by myself that doing harm to another human being solves nothing, it serves no purpose, except maybe to teach us why not to do it. i overcame my anger issues by learning from letting it go too far, it was a sense of deep betrayal that set it off, not just being in an arguement so i dont know if that seperates me from people who abuse others. i know the story can be different with a boyfriend/girlfriend vs. mother/son. i cant give you much in the way of straight answers to solve the problem but i hope by telling you this it may help you understand so you can observe your situation and compare and see a solution with this information i have provided. the only way i see for a person to overcome their anger is to use it to the extent that i did and regret it painfully enough to be so frightened to do it again that they become very passively aggressive (like me, i have the power to hurt someone and in most cases it would be very easy due to my size, but i am severely afraid to do anything because i understand what it does to people). i think if he loves you then you can approach him and very sensitively tell him about how you feel, remember this person can be effected very easily by what you say in a situation like this so you need to think about what you say before you say it, try to make it sound like you are blaming an illness and not him, because it basically is an illness. saying things like "im worried about how sometimes you get angry" instead of "you get angry sometimes and it scares me" keep it very on target but very gentle. i am not guaranteeing that he will react in a positive way, everyone is different, but if you ignore the problem it will probably just grow until it explodes and something painful happens to the both of you. try to talk to him at the best time possible, be close to him when you do, remind him that you care for him and the reason you are talking to him is to protect the relationship you have with each other. id like to also point out that my father used to abuse my mother when i was younger but he eventually stopped when he saw the damage it did to me. he still threatens and stuff but its rare and i have less faith that he will do anything dangerous, the situation with my mom and dad is more of a mutual abuse though, physical abuse is the easiest kind of abuse to understand and it looks worse than other kinds but it isnt always the worst. (not implying you mentally abuse your boyfriend). i hope what i wrote helps you with your problem or helps you to at least understand it.
  4. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't have to live in fear from a person whom you claim to love and also claims to love you.
  5. ClockworkCrow

    ClockworkCrow Active Member

    No one that truly loves you would force you into anything. You can find someone better, i know it seems impossible but you're giving him too much credit. Let him help himself, but he doesn't need your help. It will only cause more hurt for both of you.
  6. Asari Attar

    Asari Attar Active Member

    Thank you all for your replies. I have a lot of thinking to do.

    It's different on the inside. He has control issues. When I look from the outside I know he needs help and/or I need to leave, but from the inside it's different. From the inside it's feelings. I'm too new to feeling. I need to sort out my own head before I can figure out what to do about all this.

    I'm just lost. Confused. Torn.

    Also, thedude, it was my mum who first betrayed me too. I don't think I ever hit her, but I know the pain. Only difference is I hate her. I never got over it.

    ClockworkCrow, I know I should, but doing is harder. Partially I'm afraid I won't see him alive again if I do, partially I like his family, though I'm not sure why that factors in. Also, I do love him. I don't know why, but I do. I'm not good with emotions. Unless they're negative I generally don't know why I feel them, just that I do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2008
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one who truly loves you will hit you. :sad:
  8. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I've hit my brother plenty of times, and he's hit me. But we love each other. That's oversimplifying it.

    A person can love and at the same time feel rage. He needs to control it. What you have to decide is whether this is actually going to happen, because just like you can't control your feeling of love towards him, he more than likely cannot control his rage. You have to decide whether it's really worth staying with him.

    And you will, love always seem to completely blind people to the reality of their situation
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