i love the rain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by An Angel in Black, Feb 4, 2008.

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  1. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    well, i drank so much i passed out unfourtanantly, not sure how many people actually gave a fuck, but i was kinda ticked. but after i went out today, it was grey skies, and it even rained a little. i suddenly realized that the rain that was falling was her tear drops from heaven, and she was crying because i was in such pain and misery. it reminds me shes still with me, ill think of that everytime i see the rain, but i still feel horrible, i still want to die, i want to just fucking die so badly, i feel a little better if i forget about her, but i feel selfish if i forget. so imstuck remembering her in agonizing pain. :unsure: which is better i guess, i feel like shit..i cant be happy, she wont let me forget...im alone though, i want to be held and loved so badly my hearts crying out, but no one gives a goddamn fuck..:sad: i feel so selfish and angry and sad and everything mixed fucking together, the world isnt the same.:unsure: when i had a problem, she was alwyas there for me, shed tell me she loved me, and her words would make evrything better. now its as if to the world i mean nothing, im just that guy, or that thing, or that freak.:eek:hmy: im looking for more ways because thats twice ive failed with a gun and so im trying something easier.. does anyone else love the rain? is anyone else reading this? does anyone else give a fuck? lol
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm reading and wishing there was something I could do to take all the pain away Angel. And you are still loved by so many members here. So many care and want to help you through this.
  3. Argh:D

    Argh:D Guest

    Man you sound seriously sad... I wish I could help you feel better but obviously I can't. <mod edit: resistance - methods>

    Anyway...try to get over it...remember people love you etc.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2008
  4. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Please... If you want to talk PM me. I know this is so hard. I wish there were something I could say... I'm just so sorry you are going through so much pain. I'm here for you if you ever need anything. Please hold on. Take care of yourself, sweetheart. *hugs*
  5. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    ive written a slight poem actually, thoughts and comments appreciated.
    to the mods: please dont move it

    i lie on the cold floor helpless and broken
    deeply cut and exposed, my heart is open
    my arms fold around to hide this pain
    my smile deceiving to those who believe

    rememebering a time i used to be happy
    everything not just a single i, but a we
    how much longer will i be alive to feel
    nothing but pain, agony, and darkness closing in

    with these feelings i stand in the corner
    eyes closed, a gun in my right hand
    the gun, my only true friend in this world
    is going to take me to the one i love the most

    no longer does it matter how i look
    nor does it matter noone gives a fuck
    soon ill be with her, and as for my pain,
    well, why does it matter how i hurt

    im slowly watching the seconds go by
    with each the matching pace of my cries
    waiting for a call, a care, a cure for me
    but noone can cure what cant be fixed

    grey skies and a heavy storm outside
    its nothing, compared to the pain i find
    but noones here to stop me anymore
    say i love you, everything will be ok, dont cry

    my final thoughts, why was i alive like this
    i send my love to those dear, that i will miss
    its almost over, soon the pain will be gone
    and ill be with her, beside her, for her

    the gun to my head, i take a swallow
    of the poisoned glass, my death to follow
    i hear a loud noise, and see a bright light
    there she is, welcoming me, with open arms
  6. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    try to get over it???????? have u been through this?? do you even know what the hell im feeling? do you have any fucking clue?
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2008
  7. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Reading that poem made me soooo sad. :( I wish I could understand exactly what you are feeling. Then again maybe I wouldn't want to feel that pain... but if you could speak with someone who knew exactly how you felt maybe you would feel a little bit better. But I've never lost a loved one to suicide. I almost lost my mom to it but even if I had it still wouldn't be the same. You love Agnes and that is so clear in this poem. It is very sweet, Angel. Thank you for sharing it. :)
  8. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Not sure how this will come out, it might be harsh, it's ok if you wanna flame me for it Angel.
    As far as I know, no one here actually *knows* whether she's actually dead or not (it could be looked up, personally I think it's better to leave it be though). Regardsless of whether she's alive or not I think she's lost to you, Angel.

    You seem to be battling a pretty overwhelming amount of emotions, I really hope you manage to somehow get the upper hand of it. I don't think it'd be selfish of you to forget. To me it seems she was the most selfish one and if she really cared for you and she knew you'd feel better of forgetting, then I'm sure that's what she'd like you to do.

    Rain is my absolute favourite too btw, but for other reasons :rolleyes:
  9. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i dont know how to feelright now...i do nothing but cry and cry and cry...i cant stop...i dont even know how to feel. i was really in love, i mean love..i trusted her, loved her, my whole world was turned upside down because i never even knew good things could happen to me like she did..and ive lost it...ive lost everything
  10. Argh:D

    Argh:D Guest

    You need to stay strong because it only happened recently. Give it some time and re-evaluate.
  11. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    lol..you know, you should have been my dads son nstead, hed have loved you more..a lawyer? an attitude like this? he would love it..instead of me, someone whos so goddamn worthless!!!! WORTHLESS!! fuck this world!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2008
  12. Argh:D

    Argh:D Guest

    Look, I can't feel what you're going through but it has only been two days. You really need more time...
  13. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    no,i dont need more time, i need her!!!!! i need her now!!!!and forever!!!!!what part of that do you not get????!!
  14. Argh:D

    Argh:D Guest

    I get it because I've lost somebody I love before. Okay, she didn't commit suicide... But I understand how you feel to an extent.

    If you give it some time maybe you will find someone else or move on. Don't end your life rashly. Give it time to make sure, 100%, that it's the right thing to d o.
  15. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i appreciate you trying to help, but youre not!!! i swear to god why the hell are you bringing in rationel to an emotional conversation??:blink: you sound ike my father whom i hate so much!!! please just leave me alone!! please just fucking go away!!!:mad: what the hell is wrong with you? i swear to god youre pissing me off!!
  16. Argh:D

    Argh:D Guest

    It's because I'm a cruel, cold, calculating and rational person. Probably like your father. Doesn't change the fact that some time will make you see things clearer though.
  17. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    its not just her!!! i have suicidal depression and have no meds, noone i can talk to, then to make things worse i have family problems all the fucking time!!!! i fucking hate this bullshit!! no for the love if there is a fucking god can you leave me the fuck alone? please i dont want to talk to you nor do i trust you enough to even want to talk to you..so stopposting here and go away!!!!! period!!!
  18. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i fell asleep on her several times on chat...lol it was kind of funny at first, until she told me, she she didnt want to fall asleep because she didnt want to miss a second with me.:sad: i couldnt even stay awake for her, i couldnt help her, did she even know i loved her i wonder?:unsure: i hope she knows i do.:unsure:
  19. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    That truly sucks mate. Words can't describe, so I won't try.

    It may be too early to say this, but if god forbid Agnes is gone ... no she will never be replaced, but there will always be someone else to love that will love you back. In this day and age with all the tools of communicatoon we have, you'll find that person man, I don't want to sound cliche but I know you will find them.
  20. kennroe

    kennroe Staff Alumni

    First of all, easy tiger, people are only trying to help.

    Insults and flaming will only result in the respective posts/threads being removed.

    As for why your posting, read back through some of my earliest posts and threads and youll see that i went through a similar thing.

    What people are posting is correct though i know its hard to see that right now, time is the greatest healer.
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