I love you but I can't

[blurryface1481]

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

A lot of my friends have had raised this question and shoved it on my face, and my answer is always and will always be the same.

" I do not have one because I do not feel that I need one because the love that my parents are giving me is good enough for me."

But what they do not know is that as happy as I am appearing to be, the more broken I am inside.
They do not know that I crave for that particular love that a normal parent should give to a normal child. Ever since I was a kid, I have experienced emotional, physical, and verbal abuse in the hands of those who should be protecting and loving me endlessly. And these continuous difficulties made me feel so numb and so fucking hollow that I promised myself that I would never ever trust someone with my heart the way I have trusted them.

This is the reason why I am so afraid to make friends because I know that they will hurt me the way my parents did. This is the reason why I keep pushing people away no matter how much they make me feel that they really care for me. And most importantly, this is the reason why I will never give myself a chance to love you, and give you a chance to love me back because I know in my heart that you deserve the best in life. And I know that I am not the best for you because a damaged person like me does not have the right to love someone as beautiful and kind-hearted as you.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

s* I was emotionally abused by my mom. What I have noticed is that most people out there are nice. I also find it hard to trust and I am trying hard to do so. Give your friends a chance, they might be good supports. Are you getting any professional help?

 

[Walker]

Hi there, welcome to the forum.
It sounds like you've got a lot of deep resentment towards the parents. Are you in therapy of any kind? You could really use someone to talk to, it seems. Keep coming back here, there's always people around to talk to.
As for the boyfriend thing, I don't know about your explanation. You have to detach from what your parents did at some point so you can have relationships aside of them, romantic and otherwise. You're not living life if you're always in fear of being hurt by people... I'm sure you realize this. People DO often hurt others, that's just how life is. There's no way to avoid it, in fact. It's not intentional, it's just how things are. We hurt people we love all the time. You've got to risk that, be vulnerable and breach that space to gain intimacy with others. Counselling is a huge thing. They work these issues out in spades all the time.
Good luck to ya, see you around here.