i love you Niko..why did you leave me..

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~26May_4eva~, Apr 8, 2007.

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  1. ~26May_4eva~

    ~26May_4eva~ Guest

    Hei all~

    ok i'm not sure if this would make sense because it's a very, very, very long story.. i guess i'll just try to explain..

    i love this guy [called Niko, as you could see] more than i love anyone else. it's weird because i love him without liking him.. it's like the family kind of love.. we used to be really really close friends but because of some stupid lies i told, he left me.. he doesn't wanna be my friend anymore.. he hates me.. it's like i'm worthless.. it's like to him i'm not worth anything.. T.T *cries*

    sometimes it makes me wonder, is it really all my fault? if yes, why did i lie? why did i hurt him? maybe everything's my fault.. i don't deserve anything do i.. now, at school, we walk past each other like complete strangers. it hurts me. it hurts so much. sometimes i feel like i could do anything just to make him look at me for a fraction of a second, because he never does, and even if he does look my way, he sees right through me. to him, i'm invisible, it's like i don't even exist.

    i can't help it but get jealous at times. i really hate jealousy, but i just can't help it. day after day, i try to stop myself from crying. every night before i go to sleep, i hug myself and say this over and over again: things'll be ok..this is just a nightmare ok.. tomorrow morning when you wake up again, Niko'll be back. Every single night, i dream about him, dreaming about the good old times that we were still friends. Each time it feels so realistic, but every morning when i wake up, i cry again knowing that it's not real.

    I've tried everything i can to fix it all. but he said he doesn't want to fix it. he just doesn't want to be my friend anymore, never, ever. it hurts so much. without him, my life is without direction. i just love him, so much, but i don't even have the chance to tell him that. sometimes i get the urge to kill myself, but i can't, i don't want to be the quitter, i don't want to leave all my problems to my parents and friends and people who care.. but i'm really willing to give up my life just to see how much he cares.. i want to stand right in front of him with a knife in my hand to see his reaction.. i want to cut myself in front of him to see what he would say. would he try to stop me? would he hug me? would he walk off? would he swear at me and tell me that he hates me... i want to know.. but i'm scared of the truth...

    Well, thanks for reading if you're still with me, i mean it~ *hugs*
  2. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Hey thanx for posting!
    My situation is a little different to yours but i can relate to alot of what ur saying. I'm yet to get over this myself so its hard to me to tell u exactly what to do. U just need to try and keep urself busy, get out and meet new people...i hope that u can find someone else who can make u feel the same way Niko did. If its meant to b it will be. Alot of things in life r painful but i like to think that the more painful it is the more you will appreciate the happiness that follows.
    I hope this happiness comes very soon for u, hang in there!
  3. ~26May_4eva~

    ~26May_4eva~ Guest

    aww thanks~ ^^ maybe i'll *try* that but it's just so hard.. T__T it hurts me to think about how much i care about him but can't even do anything but making him feel worse.. >.< i wanna disappear.. i want to move to a different school to avoid him.. the other day this random idea came up to me: once we graduate, i won't be able to see him again.. even after he dies, i won't even be able to attend his funeral.. [<.<" weird idea i know] i sort of want to forget about this all.. i hope i could have serious memory loss or something... *sigh* life is so hard.. but thanks for replying Shauna~ :hug:
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