Hi all,
I'm NEW here and this is the first time in sharing in this introduction section.
My name is Michael and lm emailing this story from Maccas in Australia.
I came here because I was looking for a place to talk about about longterm emotional pain without feeling like l'm criticized or judged or pushed to do something l feel is not right. I was very scared to post here for awhile but now I need to desperately.
Briefly my story is that l'm 50 years old now, and for most of my life I have medicating with a 40 year addiction to lust (mainly porn) by myself and l have been isolated and lonely for most of my life even though I have been in numerous relationships. The relationships still left me feeling empty and strangely alone. Rejection and abandonment seems to be scattered throughout my whole later part of life. My upbringing with my parents was riddled with arguments, critiscims, judgements, comparisons with other family members, not being good enough, rejection, threats of being kicked out (that was traumatic), not being heard especially from my mother which frustrated me and made me angry. Being exposed to my father's porn when l was around 10 years old have left me chronically angry at him and deciding to never ever see my parents again as a result.
And how l cope with all this immense pain is medicating and medicating and medicating and medicating for 40 years roughly. That medication is lust, porn, has been gambling and now some computer games the last 12 years. But porn has been the main medication. The pain then become magnified ten fold after getting into the porn. It has become so bad that suicidal thoughts has increased and seems to get stronger after these addictions, as if I can't stand the pain anymore. I then start thinking of ways to end my painful life and have come very close to ending my life in the recent years. The thoughts of suicide is now quite intense to the point of now thinking about it on a daily basis. And l'm very scared that l could act on it if l'm left alone constantly without a voice to be heard. Not having a job for 7 years seems to magnify the emotional pain because l feel like l'm not part of the society.
I have tried doctors, counsellors, support groups for sex addiction, Grow groups, aa meetings etc..and l have struggled with them all. Still left feeling lonely and not respected and understood properly is hurting. I have struggled with god but yet at the same time he is the only one I turn to when there is no-one else around. So l'm trying to developing a faith but it is hard on your own.
I'm hoping that coming here to share my struggles with suicide that l could connect with others who can understand and relate to my story in some way.
I also want to make friends with supportive members who can encourage me to keep coming back to share. As l don't have any like minded friends to talk to. I feel painfully alone with pain.
I like the idea of the chat groups but don't know how to use chat lines.
Anyway that is my introduction to me and hope to hear from you all and I will keeping reading the others posts as well.
Michael the lonely and apathetic in Down Under Aussieland :aussie:
I'm NEW here and this is the first time in sharing in this introduction section.
My name is Michael and lm emailing this story from Maccas in Australia.
I came here because I was looking for a place to talk about about longterm emotional pain without feeling like l'm criticized or judged or pushed to do something l feel is not right. I was very scared to post here for awhile but now I need to desperately.
Briefly my story is that l'm 50 years old now, and for most of my life I have medicating with a 40 year addiction to lust (mainly porn) by myself and l have been isolated and lonely for most of my life even though I have been in numerous relationships. The relationships still left me feeling empty and strangely alone. Rejection and abandonment seems to be scattered throughout my whole later part of life. My upbringing with my parents was riddled with arguments, critiscims, judgements, comparisons with other family members, not being good enough, rejection, threats of being kicked out (that was traumatic), not being heard especially from my mother which frustrated me and made me angry. Being exposed to my father's porn when l was around 10 years old have left me chronically angry at him and deciding to never ever see my parents again as a result.
And how l cope with all this immense pain is medicating and medicating and medicating and medicating for 40 years roughly. That medication is lust, porn, has been gambling and now some computer games the last 12 years. But porn has been the main medication. The pain then become magnified ten fold after getting into the porn. It has become so bad that suicidal thoughts has increased and seems to get stronger after these addictions, as if I can't stand the pain anymore. I then start thinking of ways to end my painful life and have come very close to ending my life in the recent years. The thoughts of suicide is now quite intense to the point of now thinking about it on a daily basis. And l'm very scared that l could act on it if l'm left alone constantly without a voice to be heard. Not having a job for 7 years seems to magnify the emotional pain because l feel like l'm not part of the society.
I have tried doctors, counsellors, support groups for sex addiction, Grow groups, aa meetings etc..and l have struggled with them all. Still left feeling lonely and not respected and understood properly is hurting. I have struggled with god but yet at the same time he is the only one I turn to when there is no-one else around. So l'm trying to developing a faith but it is hard on your own.
I'm hoping that coming here to share my struggles with suicide that l could connect with others who can understand and relate to my story in some way.
I also want to make friends with supportive members who can encourage me to keep coming back to share. As l don't have any like minded friends to talk to. I feel painfully alone with pain.
I like the idea of the chat groups but don't know how to use chat lines.
Anyway that is my introduction to me and hope to hear from you all and I will keeping reading the others posts as well.
Michael the lonely and apathetic in Down Under Aussieland :aussie:
