I,m NEW and suicidal from Down Under

Hi all,

I'm NEW here and this is the first time in sharing in this introduction section.
My name is Michael and lm emailing this story from Maccas in Australia.
I came here because I was looking for a place to talk about about longterm emotional pain without feeling like l'm criticized or judged or pushed to do something l feel is not right. I was very scared to post here for awhile but now I need to desperately.

Briefly my story is that l'm 50 years old now, and for most of my life I have medicating with a 40 year addiction to lust (mainly porn) by myself and l have been isolated and lonely for most of my life even though I have been in numerous relationships. The relationships still left me feeling empty and strangely alone. Rejection and abandonment seems to be scattered throughout my whole later part of life. My upbringing with my parents was riddled with arguments, critiscims, judgements, comparisons with other family members, not being good enough, rejection, threats of being kicked out (that was traumatic), not being heard especially from my mother which frustrated me and made me angry. Being exposed to my father's porn when l was around 10 years old have left me chronically angry at him and deciding to never ever see my parents again as a result.

And how l cope with all this immense pain is medicating and medicating and medicating and medicating for 40 years roughly. That medication is lust, porn, has been gambling and now some computer games the last 12 years. But porn has been the main medication. The pain then become magnified ten fold after getting into the porn. It has become so bad that suicidal thoughts has increased and seems to get stronger after these addictions, as if I can't stand the pain anymore. I then start thinking of ways to end my painful life and have come very close to ending my life in the recent years. The thoughts of suicide is now quite intense to the point of now thinking about it on a daily basis. And l'm very scared that l could act on it if l'm left alone constantly without a voice to be heard. Not having a job for 7 years seems to magnify the emotional pain because l feel like l'm not part of the society.

I have tried doctors, counsellors, support groups for sex addiction, Grow groups, aa meetings etc..and l have struggled with them all. Still left feeling lonely and not respected and understood properly is hurting. I have struggled with god but yet at the same time he is the only one I turn to when there is no-one else around. So l'm trying to developing a faith but it is hard on your own.

I'm hoping that coming here to share my struggles with suicide that l could connect with others who can understand and relate to my story in some way.
I also want to make friends with supportive members who can encourage me to keep coming back to share. As l don't have any like minded friends to talk to. I feel painfully alone with pain.

I like the idea of the chat groups but don't know how to use chat lines.

Anyway that is my introduction to me and hope to hear from you all and I will keeping reading the others posts as well.

Michael the lonely and apathetic in Down Under Aussieland :aussie:

 

Glad you came here Michael! Proud of you for still being here. <3

Anytime you need to talk, don't be afraid to give me a pm.

 

Cheers, man, welcome! Greetings from the United States of America! Always nice to see people from all over the world!

:hug:

Enthusiastically and with best wishes for your future,

Mr. A

 

Hi and welcome...I am on the other side of the world in New York City..so this is a real long distance welcome...hope you find the support and company you are looking for...welcome again, J

 

Hello all,
I don't quite know how to use this site but I had to do something. I wish I cud call someone but even if it weren't 4am there'd be no one. I just turned 31 and I can't remember a time when life was anything but painful. 2nite I'm scared to death. I don't think I have any more fight left in me. I guess I just take a sleeping pill & pray like I do every nite for god to please not make me wake up tomorrow.

 

Welcome.. I'm also from Australia! In Queensland on the sunshine coast though!

 

Welcome, from the neighbours across the ditch

 

Hi all,

l just back here after nearly a week off from my first posting here and l want to thank you all for welcoming me here. My thanks to Fairybread, LetMeBeMe, BuryMeInRoses, Sadeyes, Mr. Alex, and Jelly for the nice warm welcome. Thank you.

l was very scared to come back after my first above life story to share.
l needed to come back badly as l'm still suffering , lonely and lost in my emotional pain and the suicidal thoughts is still there annoying me a lot. And lm frightened that l could act on those thoughts because of the increasing lonely loveless addiction fill pain. And because l haven't been here for a week l think l was alone with the intense emotional pain with no-one to confide with...so really l felt l misssed being in this forum group, fo feel a part of instead of isolated.

Maybe l should try to come to this forum on a daily basis to constantly stay in touch and talk and read your posts. l want to make some freinds here and stay connected and have to courage to do it even my fears want me to go give up completely.

lm will somhow work my way around this forum to find the right time to chat to individual members..

l'm really trapped with my addictions and lm going to try a new counsellor tommorrow from a new church l tryed last Sunday. But lm not confident of it going well because l have a history of failures and rejection with people who say they want to help but they really don't in the end.. So l will go with a lot of fear.

But will keep this forum in my mind to come back within a day to stay connected.

l really true am toooooo scared to take my life, but that fear is getting tested each time...

l will come back again, and l hope to be there for others here as well..

Hope to hear from you soon,

Michael form Down Under :aussie:

 

Back again quickly to say that my suicidal thoughts have dramatically escalated to the point of wanting to end it in the next couple of days. It was started from Tuesday when l received a distressing news that l was rejected by an Employment Agency over some stupid government rule. It was after they originally promised a full time job in Forklift Driving. Now that hope was thrashed out and l do feel as if some higher power is working against me and wants me to die. The courage to do it is increasing while the fear of doing it is dropping a lot..

l think l have overstayed this Welcome area and will probaly have to write in the Crisis area of the forum.. lm hurting without you Yanks up there and Aussies as well to stay in touch with....


Lonely Aussie Mike :itachi:

 

Welcome back! I look forward to hearing what you have to say in the 'Crisis Forum.' Hugs...Mr. A

 

hello Michael,

I salute your courage in being so honest about your addiction and trying to reach out. I would say, forgive yourself, even before you begin learning to form more wholesome behavior. Early sexual imprinting can wreck havoc on one life and be very difficult to overcome. We often hook up to what we were first exposed, for better and for worst. Give yourself time, rejoice in each tiny positive steps you take and keep in mind that nobody wants to die, we just come to a point we don't know anymore how to keep the pain at bay. But we can endure much, often more than we think, indeed, as long as it takes to turn the corner. Hope this post will see you in a better mood.

 

Thanks Alex and Isabel for yours thoughts and experience. l needed that and l appreciated it.

lm back again with more intense suicidal on the edge thoughts and l will move to the Crisis section of this forum to talk of the latest crisis, hoping somehow which is looking grim..

:itachi: