I made a mistake and now I can't live with it

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by meme333, Aug 17, 2011.

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  1. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I made a mistake trying to be happy and improve things and I messed up. I'm sure you will think the same.
    I decided I would go on a date, chatting online for a few days and thought I could invite him over. It was a mistake.
    He hurt it almost as soon as he walked in.
    He raped me and I have injuries.
    Things just never get better.
    First I was sick during a planned holiday.
    Then a friend yelling at me (via email)..I can't take her anymore. Nothing happened. She just felt the need to tell me how I frustrate her. She frustrates me but I don't tell her. She's mean but I choose not to hurt people.
    Then this "date". He raped me.
    I called hospital and the on-call person didn't help me. She said I could shower and I knew that was wrong but I could smell him and I thought I was going to throw up. She said to save my underwear so I did but I did shower.
    Finally someone helped on Monday. I did a rape kit. Had some genital injuries etc so that evidence was there but worried anything else was gone since it was 2 days later. I tried.
    Now I have to deal with it all and I can't
    I'm on the p.e.p. meds and they are horrible. I just wanted to be safe and so I am taking them.
    I have to go for follow up exams and I don't want to.
    I'm scared. I want to die more than ever.
    I have nobody to support me. I am alone, so isolated and hating myself so very much.
    Nothing to be happy about.
    I'm thinking Thursday or Friday as my date.
    I'm too tired to do anything today.
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: :hug: I'm SO sorry this happened to you hun. And forget your friend. She isn't much of a friend if she says that crap to you.

    I'm really glad you went to the hospital. Not many women can do that. Shows amazing strength. And you're right, you shouldn't shower. I'm not sure why she said that you should.

    I know how hard this is but PLEASE do NOT kill yourself. Get some counseling so you have someone to talk to face to face. :hug: Hang in there and feel free to PM me anytime <3
  3. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    well I can't go on...I really can't.
    Counseling won't fix it this time.
    This just makes more problems with me.
    I don't have the energy
  4. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    Speaking from experience, rape absolutely changes your life...I feel your pain...
    Please know I am here any time you need to talk. :(
  5. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    What that man did to you was awful and wrong, but it wasn't your fault. I see that your title says you think you made a mistake. It was NOT your fault. Please know that.

    Please, you gotta go on hun. Don't let him have that power over your life. Just try counseling. Try talking about it. :hug:
  6. gawdz13

    gawdz13 New Member

    We're here for you...anytime you want to talk let us know..
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Meme.... :( At least you're safe now. We here were worried about you.

  8. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    meme I'm so sorry for what has happened.. But this is not your fault. I've felt your pain in very similar circumstances, my PM box is always open. Please don't kill yourself. We're here for you, I'm here for you.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    The victim should not be punished any more, and you should see to that...I do know what it feels like to be at the end of my rope, feeling like I have nothing more to offer, in fact, that was when I first came here...please try to dig deep and feel the caring that is here for you...you took a risk to try to feel better, and it was his immorality that should be punished, not you...please know I am also a survivior of rape, and I know how very awful one feels (understatement but I only have words to describe this), but also know, that too often, the victim is the one that suffers the most...please do not do this to yourself...you are very important here, and many of us truly underrstand...J
  10. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I don't think I can do it.
    I am so ashamed and now have so much to do
    The pills are horrible.
    I"ll need to move now as it is not safe to be here.
    I have a counselor and she's not going to stop about going to the police and I know she cares but I can't do it right now
    I don't remember everything. I also don't have the energy.
    She would be supportive but in the end I'd be doing this all by myself and I don't think I can.
    I almost don't even want to talk about it.
    I did screw up. I shouldn't have invited him in.

    I started feeling this way when the first person I spoke with didn't want to help. She was the nurse on call and told me to wait to come in on the Monday. The evidence was there on Saturday night and she said to have a shower. She didn't want to help.
    I wasn't worth it.
    I just want to die. I'm sorry.
    I don't feel I have any options at all.
  11. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Everything is going wrong.
    I just called my counselor who I've know for years and everything is just getting worse.
    I told her the pills are too much and I'm suicidal and want to die. She's so supportive and all I have and now she might be sick. I don't want her to be sick. I'm so sad.
  12. Silverchair

    Silverchair Member

    I am so very sorry that this happened to you. First off, I just want to say that the "nurse" or whoever it was that you called is a complete and total moron and someone should have her job for what she said to you. EVERYBODY knows that it is best to not shower after a sex crime so that there is evidence. I completely understand your need to shower since it was going to be a couple days until you saw somebody. That just makes me soo pissed off. They should have asked you to come in right away and get checked out. I am very sorry that a medical professional failed you like that. I only hope that she contact someone a lot more understanding than herself if something ever happens to her. Some people are just completely ignorant and I am so sorry for that.

    It is Friday night right now, so I hope you are still here to read this. I know that you are probably feeling so emotionally drained, angry, sad, and scared. You have every right to feel every bit of it. However, you really REALLY need to continue with the follow up exams. You have to make sure you are healthy and taken care of. Also, please continue with the therapy. You say your therapist is "not going to stop." Now, if you are underage, you have to understand it is her duty to alert the appropriate authorities. But, if you are an adult, all she can do is urge you to go to the police and be supportive of your decision. She can't MAKE you do anything you don't want to do. If she seems to continue to be pushy, and you are uncomfortable with it, you need to tell her so and if she doesn't stop, she isn't a good therapist and you need to see a different one.

    STOP being so hard on yourself. Trusting someone you met online (I think that is what you meant, if I am wrong, then tell me so) may have been a mistake. But it was what it was a MISTAKE, nothing more. It does not make you stupid, it does not make you worthless, and it does not make you ANY less of a person. We ALL make mistakes. Unfortunately some consequences are worse than others. Even if you did make a mistake, that guy had NO right to do what he did to you. Even if you told him that he could be with you and you decided in the middle of it that you didn't want to, EVEN THEN he would still have NO right to do what he did. A decent human being will respect other human being's boundaries and certainly would not violate them in such a horrible way. It is up to you whether to go to the police. You are very correct in saying that it will be a very difficult process, only YOU can decide if it is worth it to you. I know that you are feeling some really intense emotions right now but you have to try, just try, to consider how you would feel in the future if you didn't go forward with this. Plenty of individuals who have been in your situation do press charges and their attacker still goes unpunished, BUT, they feel glad that they at least TRIED to stand up for themselves.

    Are you literally "alone"? Do you have a parent, friend, or anyone at all that can support you during this time? I suggest you seek them out if you do. I know you are feeling ashamed and maybe that people will blame you for what happened, guess what, IF that happens, they are just as lousy as the guy who did it to you. But, it is more likely that they will be understanding and want to be there for you. Please PLEASE do NOT kill yourself. You wouldn't believe how times flies by and your life will change so much as each year goes by. You could be missing out on wonderful things. Of course, you will always feel pain from this because it was horrible...but it won't always consume you, I promise. I know you don't want to hear that, and I don't want to give you the "don't kill yourself life is great speech" but making the permanent decision to end your life is not a decision you want to make when you are going through a crisis...even though those are the times when you fell most suicidal. You are not thinking clearly because you are in a lot of pain right now. Please seek help. Also, if it has been less than 5 days since this incident, you need to try to get Plan B so that you can help prevent a possible pregnancy...the hospital should have offered it to you but judging from how crappy their staff sounds, I wanted to tell you anyway. Remember, it is in our darkest times that our strength is put to the test and we are always much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Please give yourself the chance. The horrible people in your life are not worth ending it, they are just motivation for you to seek out better people to fill their void.
  13. Silverchair

    Silverchair Member

    If you are out there, I wish that you would post something to let us know if you are okay or not. I feel very worried for you and I hope that you alright.
  14. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I just to want to add my concern for the young lady - and to add that the only person who ought to feel shame with rape is the despicable piece of trash who commits such an act.

    Please, please be VERY careful dating. And as for dating online - I'd say avoid it - but as with all things - you could know someone in real life for most of your life - and might not know them - if you know what I mean.

    Reduce the risks as much as possible.

    People have met here in in real life - not so much a date but I suppose some have. But - you got to exercise great caution and TELL people - share with friends here on this forum IF anyone hits on you here or elsewhere.

    And for a first date - ALWAYS make it a public place.

    I told my niece when she starts dating to see me - her uncle - and I will check out any potential dates. Any bad ones - I'm not even going to think what I will do - anyone so much as touches them in any wrong way - and I'm Gods Vengeance - I hate cruel men - men who are cruel to women or kids - or animals or anyone really.

    By the way - its possible meme met this date in a place were there is CCTV.

    This needs someone to actually comfort her and try to get her to remember such details as place, times and so on.

    We can still catch this trash.

    Oh man I'd like to take this piece of lowlife and hang him off a clifftop. They always confess then. You can always make anyone confess to the sins.

    But in the end - we all face God and rapists are not going to actually have much of a conversation.

    Either way - hell awaits them.

    For the victims of rape and abuse - I carry a special place in my heart for all of you - I truly do - and would carry that darkness if I could.

    My prayers for meme333.
  15. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I'm still here. I came close to ending it but because of the pills had no energy to do anything at all whatsoever. They did make me more suicidal though and I couldn't continue.
    I did take plan b to prevent pregnancy as well.

    when I finally got to the hospital two days after, well that nurse was nice.

    I'm supposed to see her monday but I don't want to. I don't want a follow up exam. I'm scared. I don't want to be touched.

    No I have nobody. I have no family and haven't told anyone what happened.
    I'm ashamed...embarrassed.
    They all say to go on sites and find someone etc. so it's just humiliating and I hate myself.

    My therapist is nice. I wouldn't want to replace her. I just worry I'll lose her.
  16. Silverchair

    Silverchair Member

    I feel so relieved that you are still with us. So you are saying that you literally have NOONE whatsoever in your life? So that means you stay in the same room all day every day and never talk to any other human being at all? That may be the case but I have my doubts. You don't have to talk to someone who is family or even very close to you (though that is ideal), just talk to someone, anyone. You aren't helping matters by feeling ashamed and embarrassed. You made a mistake, a mistake I am sure you will never make again. BUT that mistake did not entitle that piece of crap to do what he did to you. Heck, if you got naked and threw yourself at him he still wouldn't have a right to violate you like that. He knew that you didn't want to do it but he obviously has serious mental issues and didn't care about what you wanted. Rapists are the lowest scum on earth. There is just really no excuse for them. This guy is the one who should be feeling like crap, not you. Keep seeing your therapist, no matter what. Also, I think you should ask her about support groups that may be in your area for people going through the same thing as you. It may make you feel better to see that you are not alone.

    The way I see it, you have two potential cases here. You MIGHT be able to take some kind of legal action against the hospital for telling you to wait like they did. That just doesn't make sense whatsoever. Hospitals are open 24 hours a day and there is just no reason why they would tell you not to come right in. When you have an accident, you can go straight to the ER no matter what time of day it is. She should have at least referred you there. I would at least file a complaint with the hospital about it because they could be doing this to other victims in the future. Also, you still have time to press charges against the guy who did this. I know you don't want to and a lot of victims don't. But think about this, one reason why people rape is because they know they will likely get away with it. They figure that their victim will be to ashamed to tell anyone or that people won't believe them. So, they are right in that sense. A vast majority of victims never tell a soul and they sure don't press charges...therefore, the perpetrator gets away with the crime. If someone robbed you are gunpoint, wouldn't you call the cops? Probably. What is more important than your body? It was violated sweetie and you were potentially exposed to pregnancy and disease. That is as serious as it gets. It is just flat out wrong to let him get away with this. I am not saying that he will be rightly punished but I think he needs to go through the trouble of having his name exposed as a potential rapist. You don't have to listen to any of this, and I get that. I hope that you at least consider it. This doesn't have to ruin your life. It is one bad thing that has happened in the many years you are going to live. Don't let him take away your dignity, he has already taken enough.
  17. Im sorry i dont have any kind of words for this. Im sorry to hear this happened to you all the same
  18. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    thank you

    I don't have anyone to tell...nobody other than my therapist and the people at the hospital
    I would like to talk though.

    I have been trying to spend time with some people though..positive good people.

    I truly am trying.

    I hope the professionals will show some mercy working with me.
    I didn't mean to mess up and hope they will still take me seriously about all
    of this.
  19. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    It's so great to hear from you again! :hug:
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