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I made a plan

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shawndale, May 16, 2016.

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  1. Shawndale

    Shawndale Active Member

    So I started on meds for my depression, and I thought that it was going to be this magical cure; that once I take just one pill the world would be back in color, the birds would be chirping and the tidal wave of emotion would have subsided. But it didn't happen and I have been so afraid that it would never be okay. 6 months to a year is when I really start feeling/seeing the affects of the medication. It might as well been an eternity. But i decided to stick with it, and it has been a little over two months, I have had glimpses into happines, just peaks through the curtain of this darkness, letting a little light in. I actually had 3 weeks of just happiness, no no anxiety, no deperission, just happy. But like they say every good thing must come to an end, and it did like a car into a brick wall.
    I have two brothers Adam and Devin, I would go through hell to protect them and be therefore them, honestly they are the only reason why I'm alive today. I don't want to let them down, I don't want them to be ashamed of me, I don't want to continue to be ashamed of myself.
    This past Monday I had made a plan, I had everything I needed in order, I knew where, when, why, and how I was going to do it. I honestly don't know why I haven't yet.
    But I know with addition to the medicine I need to get back into therapy, that's another thing I thought I didn't need anymore once I took that magical pill that was going to solve everything. Can I honestly say at this moment I'm not feeling suicidal no I can't, but I will not do it...
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hi ShawnDale, I'm glad you decided to stay, Adam and Devin need you and I know how much you hurt. Depression drains your very soul. It is encouraging that you did get a glimpse of the results possible, so there's hope that medication adjustment/ changes and therapy will bring that light out full force. Yes it's okay to "feel" suicidal, but it's better to come here and interact with others who understand than act on it. It's a tough road my friend, I've had depression and anxiety ,panic attacks all my life. You're still a young man, so I have great hope for you getting better. There's new advancements every day. Hang in there my friend and keep posting and talking to the people here, we'll support you asbest we can during this time.
    Shawndale likes this.
  3. Shawndale

    Shawndale Active Member

    Thank you for the kind words, I signed up for this forum a little over 5 months ago, but I never really utilized it. But I will start, my brothers can only help so much. They are so supportive, and understanding of what I'm going through, but in the end they can't really relate. I want to get better, to be able to manage my depression and anxiety. I'm 30 years old, I still live with my parents because I'm to afraid to live alone, to be alone with my thoughts, that lonely feeling that creeps in every so often to remind me that i'm nothing and I don't matter. Freedom from this life is what I feel is the only option, even though it is a dumb one, it's feels right to me.
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am really sorry to hear you've hit a wall, but it sounds like you are doing the right things; I know it might be a bitter pill to swallow going to therapy, but if you need it, then it is what you must do. You deserve to live a good life, and you can with some work, and holding on. If you must, then do it for your brothers. I know it helps me a lot to be fighting for my boyfriend when I feel like I can't do it for myself.

    Hang in there, listen to yourself. You are saying a lot of good things about your road to recovery!
  5. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Shawndale-You are in the right place on this forum. You can interact here with many people who have been where you are and made it out to the other side. I am one of those people. My first impression when I read your posts was the fear that you have of being alone. It is a sign that your relationship with yourself is either non-existent or fractured. Your success on the path going forward has a lot to do with what you think and feel about yourself-although your relationship with your brothers is very close, it is no substitute for a healthy, realistic relationship with yourself. Mostly-it is helpful to cultivate an attitude of kindness and compassion towards yourself (love yourself the way that your brothers love you-unconditionally). Your brothers believe that you are worthy of love and respect-why not agree with them and treat yourself in that manner? You wouldn't want to hurt (or kill) yourself if you could see yourself the way that they see you-that is my advice (I am a recovered suicidal, anxiety ridden depressive-15 years sober)
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