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I made things worse for myself (on purpose maybe?)

I had been having pretty solid suicidal thoughts for a few months back in august.

I<mod edit - method>I had a lot of scenarios like that in my head. I didn’t allow myself to think too deeply about it though. The thoughts just floated in and out in an isolated way.

Never once in my mind I thought something external could do anything for me, I’m terms of having these thoughts or feeling depressed. But then I met someone so pleasant... it managed to distract me quite a bit. My bf is a wonderful boyfriend and a great person, but I have isolated myself from friends for some time already. Having a new friend did more than I ever thought some friend could do and it was a nice few weeks before I managed to screw it up for myself (can anyone say...self sabotage?)
And without fail, the thoughts came back slowly and I’m back to square one. It seems kind of childish to me to feel this way because I can’t speak to a specific friend anymore. In my head it’s not about not having that friend either, it’s just about everything else now. I feel like even if I somehow talk to that friend again or found another friend that I’ll still feel this way. I’ve set myself in this more solidly now, kind of dig myself in these thoughts deeper and deeper
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Sorry that you're feeling so bad

Do you want to say what happened?
Well thanks for asking, I will keep this somewhat concise. I got along so well with this person that things got personal, mental-health-wise. Although many would say that’s what friends do, I normally cringe at the thought of doing that with friends. I only ever do it when I’m getting into an intimate relationship with someone. It’s been like that all my life. Nonetheless, I was taken aback at how easy it was to talk to this person.

SO, for a solid week I was going in circles in my head, “Why am I thinking about this so much” “Does that mean anything” “Maybe I like this guy in another way?” (I have anxiety, so I over-thought the heck out of this one). The second that question came to my conscious brain, that was it. I panicked. I have a bf, he is freaking married! I immediately cut the tie. Sent a message saying how awful it felt and that I don’t think we can keep talking out of respect for each other’s partners.
The next day my stomach sank and I just thought “what have I done”. It became pretty clear to me that I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO HAVE CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS. I made the romantic association in my head because “closeness=romantic intimacy” for the longest time to me. Not close to family, not close to friends, just bf/gf. Huge mistake. I realized that it’s not that I like him that way at all, I was just not familiar with pure non-sexual emotional intimacy.

I screwed up a really good friendship all while making myself feel like an emotional creep. That’s me I guess. There’s no way to regain that friendship. Just hope that somehow I will meet someone else that’s another good distraction. But then again, it seems like too much work that I don’t care to further deal with, in consideration of the millions of other reasons why I need a distraction at all.

I guess in principle, he could have had more than just friendly intentions. I wonder if there is way you could reestablish contact, while making sure that his spouse is aware of what's going on.
Oh the spouse is aware and everything. She just does not like it, understandably. My friend is completely understanding and would like to be friends but he is respectful of what his wife wants, and I want to be as well. It just...makes everything else worse apparently. You’re a good listener btw
You’re a good listener btw
*bushes* thank you :)

She just does not like it, understandably. My friend is completely understanding and would like to be friends but he is respectful of what his wife wants, and I want to be as well
I wonder if it would be acceptable to her if she were in the same room, or was always in on every conversation. What is she like? Do you think you could have a friendship with her?
Oh I absolutely think I could be friends with her. But that’s a good point, it would probably make a difference to be face to face with her. That’s definitely something to think about... thanks for tuning into my suicidal rant lol

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