I make everything worse...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Jan 20, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Long story short, I'm dirt poor. I am on benefits and I have no savings. I currently own something along the lines of £40. I still have a few bills to pay before I get the next benefits...

    Yesterday I got a message that they were cutting my benefits down further, and on top of that they expected me to pay back around £90. I get a bit more in benefits because apparently my tiny flat is too expensive in rent...

    I had absolutely no idea how to make it through next month with bills, rent, medicine and commute to my unpaid job the jobcenter found for me (that I don't know when is starting)... even if I lived off of stale bread all of next month there was no way in hell I'd make it.

    I broke down in the shower... I knew what I had to do... go back to prostitution. My abusive 'ex' *gags* forced me to prostitute myself... I stopped that 18 months ago when I met my boyfriend.
    It hurt so much thinking that it was the only way...

    I hurt myself and I drank a lot of whiskey, anything to stop myself from crying and feeling disgusting...

    Luckily I decided to gamble online... I only put in £10... (it's a rule I have, I can't afford a gambling habit too)... and managed to win exactly the amount they cut my benefits with!

    And further more, despite being hungover and sore and feeling sorry for myself (and trying to convince my boyfriend I was okay) I looked through the papers... turns out the benefits office made a mistake... they ignored my electric bill in the documents I have to send them every 3 months. I doubt it it going to match it up to what I used to get, but it has to move in my favour.

    But... it still hurts that I start thinking like that... that degrading myself in that way is the only way to survive.
    My friend added me to a closed page on facebook... for people who either are in bad situations or want to help... I looked at some of the posts and thought 'thats what normal people do. They ask for help...'.

    But I just can't make myself ask for help in that group... My situation couldn't be much worse, well I could end up on the streets... because I can't cut back on food anymore. But I just feel like there's people who need it more... and I don't look like I need help. I'm overweight, I even wear a neat fur coat in the winter (I got it from an old lady who was giving away her rich late sisters belongings)

    I wasn't planning on telling my boyfriend anything. We are in a long distance relationship and I have told him to never send me money or expensive gifts... that's not why I'm with him.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    This sentence really says a lot about the beautiful person you are. People like you are rare to find. I honestly don't know what to suggest other than go to that group and ask for help- you need it, please...never go back to prostitution, it's a dangerous game and that will degrade you not asking for help. You are such a sweet person, if I could help I would, all i can offer are lots of (hugs) and a friendly listening ear. There has to be charities where you live that will help people in your situation, google is your friend. I am so sorry you are feeling so crappy. I'm always around if you need someone to chat with :)
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  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am going to be a little controversial perhaps - but if you are in a relationship with someone, it is (or should be) a partnership. If you need something, then it is okay to ask for it. Even if that thing is £20 to buy food. It is not "less okay" to ask for something material if it is something material that you need. If you were with someone "for" the material benefits that is obviously different, but it is alright to share in a relationship - share what you have to make each other's lives better. If he needed money and you had it, you would probably give it to him without a hesitation. Depriving him of the ability to care for you is devaluing his role in your life I think. Its just my opinion, of course, but that is how I would feel if someone I loved would not let me give them money I have that would make their life better.
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  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    We've had fights about this before... He wanted to send me some earplugs for flying to London last year... and I panicked.

    I'm scared it will feel like he's paying me for my time. My confidence is very low and I still struggle to understand why he's with me when he could easily find somone more attractive and a lot less complicated...

    I know especially men have that provider gene in relationships... but I just don't know if I could let it happen...

    My 'exes' would only give me things in exchange for favors... that was very clear. It was a bit of a dom sub thing and yeah...
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