I may end my life in the next couple of hours

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by duke_winchester, Sep 18, 2013.

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  1. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    I can't take this anymore. There is a (edit method) right here next to my bed in the drawer. I really think it will happen in the next couple of hours.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2013
  2. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    Can you reach out to someone and talk? Maybe call a crisis line? Can you leave the room with the gun in it? Please Don't do it (and definitely not without taking honesty to someone in real life about it first). Things always change.
     
  3. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    I have been searching for true happiness and peace in my life for the past 10+ years, but the only place I have ever found true happiness, a true sense of feeling alive, is being in love. However, each and every time, I mess it up miserably and I end up with even more pain and heartache than the last. It has just added up over time. All is within me is pain and hopelessness. It is all I can see, all that I can feel. It has consumed me, and I can bear it no more. For over 10 years, I have been to psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, read many books, been on various medications, been hospitalized twice. Nothing has helped.

    I reached out earlier today to an ex-girlfriend who has been back in my life, but all she did was criticize me and make me feel bad about being depressed.
     
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Duke, dead is just dean and turning eventually to dust.. there is no chance whatsoever for that to improve at all.. sir I am 66 yrs old now. been where you are now but I hung around and with some help things can better for one.. even you sir.. please reach out for some help now from the professionals.. Jim
     
  5. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    Dead is what I want. To be dust, so I feel nothing anymore.
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry she didn't help and only made you feel worse about yourself. That isn't fair. I hope you'll try to hold on, and continue to reach out here.
     
  7. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    I have written my suicide letter. People that I love continue to make me feel worse. What am I really waiting for?
     
  8. Beautiful Hope

    Beautiful Hope Active Member

    Please keep in mind that being depressed & having these thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of. Please try to hold on. We are here for you. I have yahoo messenger if you would like to add me & chat. beautiful.hope@rocketmail.com I'm online right now. I know how you feel. We all understand & are here for you.
     
  9. msh

    msh Member

    This is probably not going to help but I will write it anyway.

    Killing yourself over rejected LOVE? Like it's such a noble cause ha?
    Even if such a concept even exists, doesn't your personality have any other aspects? You really get so crushed to the point of suicide simply because somebody did not reciprocate your love? Does a girl really have that much power over you so that all your existence depends on her?
    Who the hell is she to make you want to kill yourself? Don't you feel bad about submitting to the power of ONE girl?
    No one is worth that much my friend. You have to have a strong personality, well-built sense of 'self' that you don't crumble at the first sign of trouble.
    You have to be self-sufficient, you have to learn to be at peace with yourself before you can love somebody.
    I apologize for the tone!
     
  10. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    I understand what you are saying msh because, and no offense meant by this, I have heard this a lot over the past ten years. And believe me, I feel like I have tried so hard to not let this get to me like it does, but it continues to happen over and over, and each time I feel worse and worse, no matter what I try: meds, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, hobbies. Hence the hopelessness I feel now. And so I know that only being able to find true happiness in love will probably only destroy every relationship, and so I am doomed to this cycle. So what is the point anymore?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2013
  11. msh

    msh Member

    May I ask how long you have been undergoing treatment? What kind of meds have you taken?
    Feel free not to answer if you it's too personal.
     
  12. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    So when I first started feeling this way in 2002, I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was put on zoloft. That was for several months. Switched psychiatrists and meds (went on lexapro and neurontin). Did that for a few months, then was hospitalized for suicide attempt. Stopped seeing psychiatrist and taking meds after that. Started seeing a psychologist again in 2011 and a psychiatric provider in 2012. Was put on wellbutrin and remeron in 2012. She added in some other med too. Hospitalized for a suicide attempt in June 2012. Went off meds again. Have seen a psychologist on and off since.
     
  13. msh

    msh Member

    I see, I don't really know what to say. I have been there myself I know it's impossible to see any light at the end of the tunnel but I did.
    I just hope you find yours.
     
  14. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    What is so wrong with just ending it?
     
  15. msh

    msh Member

    (mod edit) if you don't and manage to live and experience moments of happiness why not do that?
    I don't believe in a meaning in life, or that we are here to serve a purpose or accomplish something. It is all pointless. However, can't deny the fact
    that we are machines driven by pleasures. Certain things cause a cascade of biochemical reactions in your brain that we call pleasure, albeit momentarily, there is no denying it, and thus you pursue them.
    Good food gives you pleasure, sex gives you pleasure, who knows maybe you even experience the pleasure of being in love again.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2013
  16. duke_winchester

    duke_winchester Well-Known Member

    Nothing but pain and hopelessness. Just going through the motions now. Although there aren't many motions because I have just been in bed. Not wanting to face tomorrow or the next day. Unable to see any possible way of digging out of this now. Ending it is really seeming like the only option now.
     
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No there is more options one is to get yourself to hospital another is to call crisis line who will call for help for you who will help you find hope again
     
  18. Beautiful Hope

    Beautiful Hope Active Member

    Please call someone to help you. Go to your local emergency room. Something. There are ways to come through this & find hope again.
     
  19. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i hope you continue to reach out here- their's a lot of us that want to help you
     
  20. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI Duke.. glad you are still alive now!!! know you have tried medication, therapy and other stuff.. does not ease the pain of losing someone now.. we do care duke.. lots of ppl responded to you in this thread.. sort of at a loss for words now to you.. sorry about that.. Jim
     
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