I may have lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ellorian, Jun 14, 2012.

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  1. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    I don't know. I may have lost. Depression overwhelmed me while getting something to eat at a diner Monday night. I not only wasted 90% of what I ordered but had to get the check to get out of there before I started crying. I was weeping yesterday morning when I forced myself to get out of bed and go to work. It's the only job I've ever enjoyed and felt competent at in my life but going means living another day, pretending another day, not letting people see it all another day. I don't want that. I don't want to improve. I just want to stop. Today I am at work again but I don't know why. I almost called to resign. Today I have not eaten and have only drunk coffee (which dehydrates not hydrates). I may have lost the fight.
     
  2. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    I know how that feels. you try to put up a front for everyone else. all the while knowing it is all fake. and the ploy only makes you hurt more. on a side not you at least have 3-7 days to see if you feel well enough to drink water. and you have around 30-50 days if you can put down water and not eat. so if you can hold on long enough to feel better you will survive.

    but I can understand how you feel the same thing happens to me a lot. I try to keep hydrated first and foremost and food as an afterthought. you can survive much longer without food then without water. and 30-50 days is time that may see a better day. a day you may be able to see your will to survive pick up again.
     
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry that you are feeling down and I understand, since it happens to everyone to differing degrees. Not eating can cause a chemical imbalance, compounded by the caffeine from the coffee. I understand it is difficult to eat when you're down, I have felt that way myself. Having a little something though will help improve your strength though, both mentally and physically.
     
  4. ellorian

    ellorian Well-Known Member

    Thank you for writing. I do not know if it will help but at least it is a chink in the destructive armor of telling myself nobody hears. I just wanted to explain that I mention not eating or drinking not because it will immediately harm me (though chemical imbalances can be a problem) but because it was a method previously. Therefore it's a strong sign that things are very wrong. I just spoke with my therapist and agreed that if I get to the point that I intend to do something right then over the weekend I will go to the hospital. I wonder though now I no longer want things to improve just to stop if I'm not fighting the inevitable. Right now I am sitting at work among colleagues who know I came very close to suicide in march sneering internally at the way people trained to spot and help deal with suicide who stated they would be watching more carefully since they learned about march are completely oblivious. Yeah, that's indicative of healthy thinking. In one hour I go out to help someone work on their own mental health recovery and I will wear my mask and help him but what bull is that? I'm of recovering from mental illness anymore I'm giving in to it. I was about to say "what's the point?" but that's the problem. In 44 years the only point, the only sense of meaning I have ever had was looking after and being the husband of my wife. She died June 30th 2011 and although I have had some joy and done some good since then it is meaningless to me. Some say "Don't give in, you wife wouldn't want that." It's certainly true she knew this was going to happen and tried to coerce me into promising not to kill myself, to move back to England where my family is, get with her best friend (I'm not making that up) or marry someone else because she knew if I stayed without that anchor it would not be pretty. However, she has moved on to rejoin the divine. She has no Earthly wants any more so it doesn't hold me. All I want is to rejoin her and if I can't do that I want to have no existence.
     
  5. Kim Novak

    Kim Novak Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry for your pain. I understand what you are saying.
     
  6. Tashok

    Tashok Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through all that. But look how strong you are! I know you don't think so now, but you are. You recognized the danger signs, you reached out, and you got help. That's amazing! You work in the field, I know you know how hard that is. And look at you now. I can't imagine a better way for you to honor your wife's memory than to keep doing so many good works for so many hurting people. Sometimes I think the people who have the most training and experience with mental illness and grief can sometimes have the hardest time dealing with it when it's happening to themselves.

    If it's too hard, too stressful for you to be working now, maybe your boss will give you some personal leave to sort things out. I know how much harder it can be when you're trying to put up a front. It burns up so much emotional energy that should be going to your recovery, and at least when it's me, I also feel like such a phony, and that makes me feel worse about myself - which is silly, since we put up these fronts at least in part out of a desire to spare the people around us distress!

    The thing to remember is that you didn't lose today. Depression has you on the ropes but you are NOT beaten! Posting here, talking to your therapist, that all proves it! You're not out yet. It's okay to slip, you're human, right? But you're a fighter. A tired one, and that's okay; you're still a fighter. You can take a break from fighting and come back for another round after you've had some time to breathe.

    I'm not going to tell you not to harm yourself. You know I don't want you to, and we both know that what I say in that regard won't make a difference if your mind's made up. I'm not going to tell you your wife wouldn't like it. I do think when you meet her again you'll want her to be proud of you, and of how you honored her memory, but your wife loved you and wanted what was best for you, and I'm really in no place to decide that. I want you to be happy, and I hope you're able to do that by finding a way to keep going and keep doing good in the world. But whatever you decide, know my thoughts are with you.
     
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