I messed up again

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by sadgirl2, Aug 9, 2006.

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  1. sadgirl2

    sadgirl2 Active Member

    I have been feeling out of sorts, not grounded, fragmented. I think all because my Therapist went on long term medical leave. I know how stupid I am being. I really like her and could talk to her. She set me up with someone while she's out and I went once, it just isn't the same. I know I have to give it a chance, and my solution of burning myself was not the right solution, I just felt like I had to. I don't know if I'm going to go to therapy tomorrow. It feels like a lost cause right now. Besides feeling shitty I do everything I'm suppose to. I go to work, do the best job I can, look after my house, do what I can for my kids (one lives with me and the other with his dad). If I didn't talk no one would know how I really feel, so who cares.
     
  2. x-hateful-x

    x-hateful-x Member

    Talking to someone new is always a hard thing to do as you have to start again but going back to s/h is not the answer you have to give it time and maybe you'll find this persona s good. i know its alot of trust you have to find but it will be worth it.
    If you need to talk pm me
    loves ya xxxxxxx ElliE xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  3. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    You're not stupid, you had a connection with your therapist, and that's human. I feel pretty similar as mine is on a way too long summer break....although its not the same. But I can definitely relate to feeling scattered and fragmented. I am having self destructive thoughts again, in my attempt to cope with this.
    I can sense how self aware you are in your words, and that can help you through.
    What has helped in the past to stop you from hurting yourself?
     
  4. sadgirl2

    sadgirl2 Active Member

    In the past when I felt this way talking to my old T helped. She told me I could call her, but I just don't want to bother her when she is trying to recover. I think I am having a paticular hard time because I got so close to her, we just clicked really well. I lived with my mom for a while when I was young and then she told me (I met her when I got older), that she got rid of me and my one brother because this man would not marry her if she didn't. We then went to live with my dad's parents because we were told he was working over seas undercover for the government. We would go back and forth from our mom's to our grandparents. I had a hard time at my mom's house and often slept in my closet. My grandma said our mom would call all the time around 10pm and tell her to come pick us up. So there was alot going on. My bother and I also lived with two women for a short period of time, but not sure how long and then we flew to California to meet and live with our dad. I found out later he tried to put us in a home, but they wouldn't take us because they said there was nothing wrong with him as a guardian and we were not disabled. He got married within the year. Things calmed down after that. I do remember it being very hard on me leaving my grandmother and this somehow reminds me of that. I just need to remember it is just old feelings and get on with things.

    Being able to identify my feelings at the time I feel so scattered usually helps me to not hurt myself. I just haven't been able to do it on my own when I get this overwhelmed with feelings yet. After the overwhelming feelings I start going to the dark side and just get really depressed and sleep alot and think about dying. Finally I decide I need to do something and work on getting me back on track. Even knowing this doesn't seem to stop me from doing it.

    I did go to my appt with the new T and it was fine. I just really avoided talking about how I was feeling. I just wasn't ready yet. Her expertise is in abuse, which is what the root of my problems are from so I really can benefit from this. I think I just need to trust her. It will come I think.

    Thanks for listening.
     
  5. sadgirl2

    sadgirl2 Active Member

    My T died yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It probably sounds stupid. I have had other therapists, individual, marriage, family...she was different. I would have been her friend if I had met her under different circumstances. The last time I spoke to her I felt like she was saying goodbye between the lines so I just started crying and told her I didn't want to lose her. She started crying and said she didn't want to lose me either, but wanted me to know she loved me. After she said that I could't talk anymore. I just knew that would be the last time I would talk to her. I was thinking it would be because of a really long recovery...not this.
     
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