Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I was fed up. The only thing I could think about was revenge. I wanted her to feel exactly what I felt. I wanted her to feel like the person she loved so much, could betray her. I wanted her to feel embarrassed, to hate who she had become. Thats how I was feeling... SO i started bombarding her with messages. Calling her a slut, a cheater, a *****... Over 300 probablly. But that wasn't enough. SO i set off to make her life unbearable. First i turned off her phone. And changed her pin on her account so she would have trouble getting it turned back on. Then deleted her gmail account so she would have to start over like I am. I was still hurting, still embarrassed. I told my friends that she was the one. I wanted to get married to and spend the rest of my life with her. But I got them telling me that she is over at one of there houses with someone else... Of course I already knew that, and I thought I could get over it... But she made me look like a idiot. SO i wanted her to feel the same, i wanted the people that she calls friends to know what she did. So i made a facebook page. Dragging her through the dirt. Everything that she had done to me over the past 12 months was out for her friends and family to see. They knew that she was untrue... After a few hours she closed her facebook page... She had to hang her head in shame.... But still after all that, I still felt the same... I still had pain. I still couldn't eat, wouldnt be able to sleep once again. I would wake up in the morning in the same pain.0 What was I going to do, how could I get past this, who knows, but Its not helping me..... I had to get her out. So I deleted the page. Deleted facebook and twitter from my phone. I thought i was done... But then I got the message "I'm sorry..you or anybody else will not have to worry about me anymore after tonight. I just ask you to at least try and see ****** when you can. Believe it or not I trust you with him more than my parents. I love you. No atter what and remember that. I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I wont bother you or anyone else ever again. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. Goodbye..... What had I just done? Why can't two people that say they love each other just love. Why do we have to hurt, why can we not get over our own insecurities and be who the other person needs us to be. I know that she wanted me to feel pain. But not like this.... SO i called the police. Gave them her address and waited. I talked to her sister, no body knew where they were. She wouldnt answer my phone calls or texts. Eventually my calls started going straight to voicemail. I got a call from her parents and I lost it. I knew It was my fault. She was gone and I caused it. I caused the love of my life to want to end her own. Only becasue I was weak, and jealous. I had so incorporated her into my future plans, that I was afraid of what life would be like without her. After I met her, I did a complete 180. I stopped doing drugs and drinking. I moved out on my own, and started actually caring in school. The reason I did so well, the reason, i tried so hard, is because I wanted her to be proud to say the I was her boyfriend. I wanted to do whatever it took to make her happy. If that meant not hanging out with my friends, or going out. I didn't care. If that meant sitting at school or the doctors office with her while she did stuff. I did not care. She was my reason for being. And i destroyed her spirit. After hours of not knowing where she was, dealing with people who seemed like they did not care to know if she was ok, I broke down and called my cousin. The cousin that I distanced myself from when I met her because I knew she would like us hanging out together. Like all family should do,he had my back. He went to a strangers house at midnight, and knocked on the door. Just to see if she was there. I love him for that. Luckily she was. He kept asking me if I wanted to talk to her. But I was ashamed. I know that she doesn't want to talk to me ever again. But I brought it on myself. I just wanted to know that she was somewhere safe. I was still in pain. It was 2AM. I tried to go to sleep but i couldn't. I was hot i was cold. I kept thinking about the events of the past few weeks. And wondering what the purpose of it all is. Maybe if I hadn't done this or that things would be different. Maybe if she would not have done this or that things would be different. I just didn't know what to do. The rain started around 4. I had to get up. I let levi out, he knows when I'm sad. I laid in bed till 7. THe got up and went to the park. Maybe walking in the rain would make me feel better. But all I could think about was the pain that I caused her. . . pain that should never have happened.... I would be lying if i said that I didn't want her back. I would be lying if I said that I never wanted to see or hear from her ever again.....I want to get in my car, and drive to her. To hold her and say I apologize for everything. I want to say the words that will make her turst m again. But i know the damage is to great. On both sides. Its not healthy for us to be together. I love her so much.... Now she won't even let me know if she is ok.