i miss it.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by warrabinda, Mar 8, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i've been, truthfully, recovered for about two years. when i say recovered i mean no ed thoughts, no restricting. i have thrown up, i can't deny, but it's been rare episodes. compared to the days of thinking ed 24/7 and throwing up multiple times a day, i have never been so healthy since i first got it 10 years ago.
    the reason i recovered was that i lost my appetite due to depression/guilt. it was amazing. on one hand i was almost suicidal with what i was going through, on the other it was like 'oh... so this is what normal is?' it was bizarre. i had nil body image issues. i mean i wasn't standing in front of the mirror going 'OH WOW YES!' but it was a non issue. it was what i prayed for when i was sick - for everything not to matter.
    recently i've put on a little weight, but that's not it. i am looking to the future and i feel overwhelmed. i can't do this adult business. i miss it, it was sickeningly comforting and controlled.
    i don't know if it's the ed i miss - i DEFINATELY do not miss bulimia and would NEVER go back to that - i just miss having order, having a project, an interest that distracts me from real life.
    all the things i wanted to recover for - relationships and a future...- aren't going to happen anyway.
    i have nothing to lose - it's not even about weight really.
    /end of rant.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you stay well perhaps get a different interest to distract you okay. Do something that brings you joy like art music sports hugs to you
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I would miss that control and comfort that brings as well. But, it is one thing to miss it, and another to give into that feeling. The missing it is probably a normal reaction if you are going through a transitional phase right now and are facing lots of uncertainty. Just try not to act on those thoughts and feelings if you can. Two years of recovery is amazing, I am proud of you for that.
  4. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I agree with the above comments. That you have the will power to bring yourself back up from the depths of such a gripping, compelling addiction is a testament to your strength. It's seriously something to be proud of. =]

    Ten years is a long ass time to be suffering from anything, let alone something as rigid and controlling as an eating disorder. Compared to all that you have been through, you need to give yourself more than a couple of years to heal and feel that you fully have your life back on track.

    I think that the reason people plunge so deeply into an eating disorder is what you said earlier-it's something to become involved in, a project that requires one's full attention, a distraction, an escape from a reality, and a world, that sucks. Recovery means having to go back to that. And it's so hard, I know, it's really, really hard. =(

    It will take a while to reconcile with that reality.

    Just don't be so hard on yourself. Take it easy and take care of your body. <3
  5. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    That's perfectly normal to miss things like that. However, you should just find to distract you.
  6. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    that's it. that's it.
    it sucks. or rather i don't fit into it. it's like people who say, it's not personal. it's not subejctive, but you don't fit in. it's not you or me. the world is fine for some. i am fine for some.
    but not together.
    i don't fit in, and i really have nowhere else to go but back in and just get through it.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.