i've been, truthfully, recovered for about two years. when i say recovered i mean no ed thoughts, no restricting. i have thrown up, i can't deny, but it's been rare episodes. compared to the days of thinking ed 24/7 and throwing up multiple times a day, i have never been so healthy since i first got it 10 years ago. the reason i recovered was that i lost my appetite due to depression/guilt. it was amazing. on one hand i was almost suicidal with what i was going through, on the other it was like 'oh... so this is what normal is?' it was bizarre. i had nil body image issues. i mean i wasn't standing in front of the mirror going 'OH WOW YES!' but it was a non issue. it was what i prayed for when i was sick - for everything not to matter. recently i've put on a little weight, but that's not it. i am looking to the future and i feel overwhelmed. i can't do this adult business. i miss it, it was sickeningly comforting and controlled. i don't know if it's the ed i miss - i DEFINATELY do not miss bulimia and would NEVER go back to that - i just miss having order, having a project, an interest that distracts me from real life. all the things i wanted to recover for - relationships and a future...- aren't going to happen anyway. i have nothing to lose - it's not even about weight really. /end of rant.