I miss my daddy

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by bonbon718, Nov 22, 2011.

  1. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    It's been exactly one year since my dad first got sick. I got the call at work that he was in the hospital with a stroke. We found out afterwards that he had had a few in the months leading up to that. Any of them could have killed him, but they didn't.

    He went back to the doctor in the beginning of December for a check up and was having stomach pains. The doctors did some tests and it was found out that he had a blockage in his colon that wouldn't go away. They did exploratory surgery and realized that he had a massive tumor (even now I have trouble saying that). It was cancer. That was December 20, 2010.

    They removed the blockage but he didn't recover well from the surgery. He reacted poorly to the anesthetics and almost died right afterwards. It was discovered at some point that the cancer was really aggressive and grew back almost immediately, and spread quickly. His body was so worn out that he didn't heal properly from the initial surgery and they considered going back in. 6 weeks later they told us that if they went back in there was only a 20% chance he'd survive the operation. It was either that or they send him home to die in peace.
    On January 31, 2011, my mom brought him home for hospice care. He died on February 4.

    Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't ache to talk to him, to see him, to hug him.
    My 26th birthday this summer sucked. All I wanted was for him to call me. "Happy birthday, darling" was how he would have greeted me.

    This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be my first without my daddy. I don't know how I'm going to handle them. I live far away from my family, and don't get to see them much, but he was always the one to call me a lot and pay extra attention to me around the holidays. I'm really afraid that I will go back down into the pit I just clawed my way out of.
    I just miss him so much. I hate that he's not here. I hate it so much.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you lost your dad. please don't take this the wrong way, but you are very lucky to have had such a good dad. I think there are a lot of people who would much rather have had a good dad that they lost than a bad one that they didn't lose.

    I'm sure that your dad would want you to be happy. I think the best way to honor his memory is to honor that wish
  3. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, may71. I know how lucky I am. He wasn't perfect, but he loved me. You're right.. I know he'd want me to be happy, but I'm not right now, and I want to talk to him about it.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry for your loss. Deaths of loved ones can be very hard but with time it gets easier. :hug:
  5. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Are you sure? It's been 9 1/2 months and it still feels likes it was yesterday.
  6. GamerrGrrl

    GamerrGrrl Member

    I know this has already sort of been said but you are very lucky to have a father that loved you. I haven't seen or spoke to mine in ten years, he was a terrible father but I still miss him.
  7. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    My condolences on the loss of your dad.

    Yes, sometimes the intense loss and pain are there every day. There probably also be certain "landmark" days where it is even more intense - your birthday , for one, holidays, his birthday, anniversary of the date of his death.

    I found most of those to be true for me, in the case of my wife, our wedding anniversary mostly saw me as a basket case, with some times as a blank, unfeeling person.

    This Thanksgiving is going to be another big one for me, and I plan to spend time here, also on phone to friends and family as needed.

    Take care of yourself
  8. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    Hi, hun. I'm very sorry you lost your dad. People say you're lucky to have had a loving father, and that is true, but I know it does not make it any less painful. You have every right to be sad and angry. 9 months really isn't that long ago. Holidays can be very difficult, especially the first year, but it does get easier over time. You'll never forget him, but remembering him won't always be so painful. Maybe you could do something special this year in a memory of him? I find that has helped me before. Are you going to be spending Christmas with your family this year? Everyone goes through the grieving process differently and some events/holidays may be more difficult than others, but it won't always be painful. You will be happy again
  9. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    What sort of things have you done in memory of lost loved ones?
    And I won't be able to go to my family for Christmas. It's an expensive trip that I can't afford between the plane ticket and time off work. :( I don't know when I'll get to see them again. (Not that the rest of them really want anything to do with me.)
  10. Lana

    Lana Well-Known Member

    I've written a letter to my dad once and brought it to the site either on his birthday or the annerversary. I stood there for a bit and that did help. I've also spent a day listening to all his favourite songs on a holiday. I started scrapbooking and a page or two were dedicated to him, haven't finished it yet.
    Here's a link for more ideas
    I hope this helps.

    And I am sorry you won't be going home for Christmas. You won't be a lone, will you?
  11. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Lana, thanks for the tips. I'll check out that site later today. I do have a letter that I wrote to him. I would bring it and read it to him, but the site is 2,000 miles away. I hate that I can't go to a specific place like that.

    And most likely I'll be alone, partially by choice I think.
    Even though I got a bunch of invites to various thanksgiving events, I didn't want to spend it with anyone else's family. Only mine.
  12. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your loss, it is especially hard at this time of year. I lost my mom in June 2010, and yes it still feels like yesterday. Everyday I want to pick up the phone and call her, she was my best friend and only parent, so we were extremely close. Be thankful that your daddy was part of your life and loved you. Writing letters is a good idea, my kids and I often do that and get a couple of balloons to tie to the letters and let them go to heaven to carry our message. May sound silly but its a nice thought. I also go to parks or other peaceful settings and just talk to her. I hope the pain gets easier for all of us someday :hug:
  13. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member