I have no idea how many years I suffered from depression, and only really got 'diagnosed' in the latter half of 2007. I don't think I ever hated depression, it is a part of me, like a security thing almost for me. It makes me, and we have our own special 'friendship' (to use a word...) Lately I've been feeling fine, or NOT depressed. I have barely been crying, haven't had any panic attacks in a while, haven't had urges to cut myself, and my suicidal thoughts have become more rational. (Some things still remain, eg. anxiety, social phobia, lack of motivation, and sleep disturbance..though they are hardly feeling "sad") I guess we all want to be free of the darkness we feel right? Well how come it seems like I'm free, yet I miss it so much? this is weird. I wanna be fully depressed again, instead of this awareness I now have. I'm just numb now, I wanna feel pain! fuck I just want the blackness back!!! Anyone ever felt like they couldn't live without their depression?