I miss my depression.

[Blackness]

I have no idea how many years I suffered from depression, and only really got 'diagnosed' in the latter half of 2007.
I don't think I ever hated depression, it is a part of me, like a security thing almost for me.
It makes me, and we have our own special 'friendship' (to use a word...)

Lately I've been feeling fine, or NOT depressed.
I have barely been crying, haven't had any panic attacks in a while, haven't had urges to cut myself, and my suicidal thoughts have become more rational. (Some things still remain, eg. anxiety, social phobia, lack of motivation, and sleep disturbance..though they are hardly feeling "sad")

I guess we all want to be free of the darkness we feel right?
Well how come it seems like I'm free, yet I miss it so much?

this is weird. I wanna be fully depressed again, instead of this awareness I now have. I'm just numb now, I wanna feel pain!

fuck I just want the blackness back!!!
Anyone ever felt like they couldn't live without their depression?

 

[Dave_N]

So you want to be depressed again? I thought that people generally want to get out of depression, so that life can go on? It's ok to have a positive outlook on life ya know.

 

[Blackness]

So you want to be depressed again? I thought that people generally want to get out of depression, so that life can go on? It's ok to have a positive outlook on life ya know.

Well I told you it was weird...:wink:
But I'm lost without it.
Happiness doesn't suit my lifestyle I guess, so I'd rather be in my fake depressed world and feel safe...

 

[LILICHIPIE]

Well I told you it was weird...:wink:
But I'm lost without it.
Happiness doesn't suit my lifestyle I guess, so I'd rather be in my fake depressed world and feel safe...

Im not sure about this ( as i ve never been in this state of mind for long time lol) but could be because as you ve always known yourself depressed, you sort have to re-invent the rules of the games..like a child who learns how to walk, or someone badly injured who has to learn again ho wto move. this takes a lot of energy.
your natural mind defenses ( through depression)have to restart to learn a different way of thinking yourself and your environement (relationships, ways of deeling with feelings of joy, peace, pain..).
like the body, consciousness, the mind has its own history ( past, present, memories). its an own person in itself and you have to feed it with new schemes. I hope this makes sense.

otherwise, im very glad that you ve succeeded in battling your own fears and pain. even if u kinda wish you wouldnt, its always better to be ALIVE than in pain

 

[Panther]

I have no idea how many years I suffered from depression, and only really got 'diagnosed' in the latter half of 2007.
I don't think I ever hated depression, it is a part of me, like a security thing almost for me.
It makes me, and we have our own special 'friendship' (to use a word...)

Lately I've been feeling fine, or NOT depressed.
I have barely been crying, haven't had any panic attacks in a while, haven't had urges to cut myself, and my suicidal thoughts have become more rational. (Some things still remain, eg. anxiety, social phobia, lack of motivation, and sleep disturbance..though they are hardly feeling "sad")

I guess we all want to be free of the darkness we feel right?
Well how come it seems like I'm free, yet I miss it so much?

this is weird. I wanna be fully depressed again, instead of this awareness I now have. I'm just numb now, I wanna feel pain!

fuck I just want the blackness back!!!
Anyone ever felt like they couldn't live without their depression?

Interesting post. Maybe it's something like religion, a relationship or whatever that you miss when it's gone. I hope you manage to break completely free. Believe me it's tons better to be free from depression. How do you really feel now?

 

[DanielC]

actually it makes alot of sense. to put it very simply, people become addicted to the self-hate perpetuated by depression. when/if it goes away, they feel like something is missing, like there should be something they should feel bad about but there isn't. the fact that you aren't making up reasons for yourself to feel the same way is excellent. it means you might be moving on.

 

[ggg456]

When I tell people I sleep a lot and I feel easily tired they think I'm depressed but I'm not. I feel great, I've been feeling great since I came out of hospital.

But I understand what you're saying. I used to feel like that mainly with anorexia when I was younger- especially when anorexia was helping me cope (all the number/calorie counting, exercise, it was a comfort when it was under control) and I'd feel lost without it. I'm not like that now. I'm terrified, absolutely petrified of getting sick again with anorexia/depression because I've gone through periods of it being completely out of my control.

Maybe there's a part of 'being depressed' that helps you. Maybe change is frightening and you feel out of your depth because you aren't used to it.

You say you feel numb. Mainly when I feel numb (I'd be floating a lot) I'd say I was 'depressed'. I don't know, people/feelings are complicated...

 

[Feared.Desire]

I have no idea how many years I suffered from depression, and only really got 'diagnosed' in the latter half of 2007.
I don't think I ever hated depression, it is a part of me, like a security thing almost for me.
It makes me, and we have our own special 'friendship' (to use a word...)

Lately I've been feeling fine, or NOT depressed.
I have barely been crying, haven't had any panic attacks in a while, haven't had urges to cut myself, and my suicidal thoughts have become more rational. (Some things still remain, eg. anxiety, social phobia, lack of motivation, and sleep disturbance..though they are hardly feeling "sad")

I guess we all want to be free of the darkness we feel right?
Well how come it seems like I'm free, yet I miss it so much?

this is weird. I wanna be fully depressed again, instead of this awareness I now have. I'm just numb now, I wanna feel pain!

fuck I just want the blackness back!!!
Anyone ever felt like they couldn't live without their depression?

Well, I’m back in depression now, but I remember times when I felt exactly that. After having it for so many years when it’s not there I feel numb. Like I’m not feeling anything at all. Which, if you ask me, is just as bad as depression. So, yes, I know what your talking about, but I thought I was alone on that one.
But I wouldn’t suggest wishing yourself back into it, moreover, try and get used to not being depressed. In the long run it’ll be a lot healthier for you. Try and make yourself happy in the end, not sad again.

 

[silent_enigma]

The familiar feels comfortable to us, but you'd be better off in the long run finding a different familiar than your old one.

 

[theleastofthese]

I can understand your feeling but if I could get rid of my depression by giving it to someone who wanted it, I would. I hate being depressed. It's ruining my life.:sad:

 

[flowerpot]

I think i know what you mean. Like I absolutely hate feeling so crap and hating life. But the thought of getting better is actually quite scary, even though you just want to be happy. It's like you've become so use to just feeling so low, that you're more comfortable that way. So when everything is going well it just feels odd, and you end up feeling uncomfortable anyway. It's really difficult and annoying. It's like you can't win.

 

[Ruby]

I think i know what you mean. Like I absolutely hate feeling so crap and hating life. But the thought of getting better is actually quite scary, even though you just want to be happy. It's like you've become so use to just feeling so low, that you're more comfortable that way. So when everything is going well it just feels odd, and you end up feeling uncomfortable anyway. It's really difficult and annoying. It's like you can't win.

I couldn't have put it better myself.