I miss my family so much I'm struggling to cope.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Aug 10, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Despite my mother being alive in my own mind I view myself as an orphan, and I think if I were ever asked by people who did not know my situation I'd say they were both dead.
    My father actually is dead (3 years this september, murder) but my mother is alive. I generally dislike her, I don't think I hate her as such, but I despise her. She's caused a lot of damage in my life, has made me feel bad an in general has neglected me in most ways, to the point that the relationship was permanetely damaged.

    She kicked me out a few months ago and I'm currently living with my uncle and grandmother from my mothers side. Despite all they have done for me (And I am not selfish or self centered enough to not understand the full depth of their love and consideration for me, along with their sacrifices) I cannot get past this extremely low, self loathing feeling that follows me about. I miss my sister and, like my mother, our relationship is not the best, though it's mostly strained. She's in her early 20's and has her own life (she lives across the country), and has matured and grown happy in herself, whilst I still skulk about, an angry teenager who spends most of their time "moping." Or at least, to my sister this is the case. I've not treated her the best and I admit I've not been the best daughter/niece/granddaughter and sibling I could have been with my problems (General anxiety, self destructive behaviour, suicide attempts, severe social anxiety, slight agoraphobia).

    I get these dreams where my dad is alive and I'm with him, and I can't explain the happiness and relief I feel, and then the feeling when I awake and it hits me that he is no longer here. I miss my mother in my own way and sometimes I call her to see how she's doing, but she's never interested. She's distracted, tired and wants to get off the phone as soon as it's polite enough to do so. Her voice is very calm and... Controlled, she answers slow and her questions (How are you, how was your day) are very generic, as are her responses, when she asks these questions she's made it very clear in the past she does not actually care, and it's simply social pleasantries). My mother made me feel very bad about my scars, she was extremely ashamed of them as she believed people would judge her, it got to the point she would argue if I tried to leave the house without my arms covered, and she refused to go out with me without my arms covered, she was angry at me for days after I went downstairs and her boyfriend saw my arm before I managed to cover them... Since I was 13 she kept asking "Why can't you cut your legs/thighs? You're obviously attention seeking, stop doing it on your arms"

    Anyways, I won't go into it any further. I'm pretty depressed, and I feel bad because my life is not that bad, my childhood was not that bad and I'm in a house where I have my own bedroom, my own bathroom. I have a lot of material things (like an endless supply of books, games, movies, game consoles etc) and a lot of love and care, and they never make me feel ashamed and go out of their way to keep me fed and happy, even though they have no money currently. (the child benefits are taking a long time)
    So I am lucky for what I've got, but I still get my extremely low moods were I can't talk to anyone, can't leave my bathroom/bedroom, have my crying fits, have the self harm, which ironically I started doing on my legs when I was kicked out. My mother alienated me from my father as a young child and I was unable to treat him as a father, an example would be my mother forbid me from ever calling him dad, and as I was rather scared of my mother I never dared (even away from her) called him Dad. Our relationship was messy and I hated him, because my mother said things about him and twisted them, and my father never said a bad thing about my mother. I miss her incredibly and I just want to hold her and cuddle her, but she's so indifferent about me, so happy (she even admitted this) since I've not lived with her I feel like she's completely given up on me.
    I have no idea what to do. Maybe I'm a selfish brat (I already know there is that element of me) and I'm over reacting, but I have no idea what to do about these feelings.
    Anyone got any advice?
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I am so sorry this is all happening. Your mom sounds pretty self centered. Not able to be a healthy person for you. Miracles can happen. But I can see from what you wrote that this sure has not happened to date. I am sure wherever your dad is that he sees clearly that you now love him. I hope you can enjoy those good dreams when you dream you are with him. What a good relief that is.

    With the hurt and rejection you have experienced of course you have lots of pain that shows up in all kinds of ways. That totally makes sense to me. You are NOT a selfhish brat. And I see no reason to think you are over reacting. I have one idea what you can do with the feelings. when school starts do you think you might be able to go to the school counseller and discuss some of the stuff? Seems that you deserve a huge amount of help and support.

    What I tell lots of people here. And you have have seen me write it before, is to call united way in your area ( if you live in the us). its usually 211 on the phone. They have a listing of all kinds of resources locally. You can tell them your circumstances and see what they have to recommend thats free. Because this is too much to be dealing with all alone.

    Keep posting here as much as you can or want to. But I can hear ya. Its really hard. And just remember those dreams of being with your dad. I hope you can find a lot of comfort in them. Even if they are dreams and while you are sleeping. Its still some parent comfort. Right?

    I wish I had some more great suggestions. I hope other people do. Because you deserve lots of good in your life. :hug: you have been through a lot. Through no fault of your own
  3. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Thank you for replying to my thread. :)

    The dreams are usually like, we buried the wrong person, or we buried him alive, and he always comes to me and I look after him. Sometimes the dreams are worse than anything else, because it's the moment of remembering that he's no longer here. But I do understand what you mean.

    Thank you. (Not thinking I'm a spoilt brat)
    I've been referred to counseling (I'm living in a bigger city now which has much more funding, so In about 4-5 weeks I should have a counsellor) I'm starting a new school in September so things should be better there, may get support there.

    I'm British sadly. :) They have Childline over here but I find they're not very helpful, and usually they take a long time to get through.
    Thank you. :) I really appreciate your reply.
  4. trying2live

    trying2live New Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. If its at all possible please seek professional or medical help for the cutting and intense self loathing you're experiencing. I speak from experience as I am a cutter and have been since a few years now. You will make it and you can heal. Relationships can be repaired, but that takes time and work from both people involved. For now try not to focus on repairing relationships and focus in healing from whatever is making you cut. (((Hugs)))
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Ellie
    glad you will be getting some help soon. I understand about having less mental health help available in the UK than in the US. If you need to, maybe you can check out the samaritans http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
    They are in england and other areas in the UK. I have heard good things about them.
    Sending some hugs to you across the pond :hug: keep posting here if at all possible, okay? another :hug:
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