Despite my mother being alive in my own mind I view myself as an orphan, and I think if I were ever asked by people who did not know my situation I'd say they were both dead. My father actually is dead (3 years this september, murder) but my mother is alive. I generally dislike her, I don't think I hate her as such, but I despise her. She's caused a lot of damage in my life, has made me feel bad an in general has neglected me in most ways, to the point that the relationship was permanetely damaged. She kicked me out a few months ago and I'm currently living with my uncle and grandmother from my mothers side. Despite all they have done for me (And I am not selfish or self centered enough to not understand the full depth of their love and consideration for me, along with their sacrifices) I cannot get past this extremely low, self loathing feeling that follows me about. I miss my sister and, like my mother, our relationship is not the best, though it's mostly strained. She's in her early 20's and has her own life (she lives across the country), and has matured and grown happy in herself, whilst I still skulk about, an angry teenager who spends most of their time "moping." Or at least, to my sister this is the case. I've not treated her the best and I admit I've not been the best daughter/niece/granddaughter and sibling I could have been with my problems (General anxiety, self destructive behaviour, suicide attempts, severe social anxiety, slight agoraphobia). I get these dreams where my dad is alive and I'm with him, and I can't explain the happiness and relief I feel, and then the feeling when I awake and it hits me that he is no longer here. I miss my mother in my own way and sometimes I call her to see how she's doing, but she's never interested. She's distracted, tired and wants to get off the phone as soon as it's polite enough to do so. Her voice is very calm and... Controlled, she answers slow and her questions (How are you, how was your day) are very generic, as are her responses, when she asks these questions she's made it very clear in the past she does not actually care, and it's simply social pleasantries). My mother made me feel very bad about my scars, she was extremely ashamed of them as she believed people would judge her, it got to the point she would argue if I tried to leave the house without my arms covered, and she refused to go out with me without my arms covered, she was angry at me for days after I went downstairs and her boyfriend saw my arm before I managed to cover them... Since I was 13 she kept asking "Why can't you cut your legs/thighs? You're obviously attention seeking, stop doing it on your arms" Anyways, I won't go into it any further. I'm pretty depressed, and I feel bad because my life is not that bad, my childhood was not that bad and I'm in a house where I have my own bedroom, my own bathroom. I have a lot of material things (like an endless supply of books, games, movies, game consoles etc) and a lot of love and care, and they never make me feel ashamed and go out of their way to keep me fed and happy, even though they have no money currently. (the child benefits are taking a long time) So I am lucky for what I've got, but I still get my extremely low moods were I can't talk to anyone, can't leave my bathroom/bedroom, have my crying fits, have the self harm, which ironically I started doing on my legs when I was kicked out. My mother alienated me from my father as a young child and I was unable to treat him as a father, an example would be my mother forbid me from ever calling him dad, and as I was rather scared of my mother I never dared (even away from her) called him Dad. Our relationship was messy and I hated him, because my mother said things about him and twisted them, and my father never said a bad thing about my mother. I miss her incredibly and I just want to hold her and cuddle her, but she's so indifferent about me, so happy (she even admitted this) since I've not lived with her I feel like she's completely given up on me. I have no idea what to do. Maybe I'm a selfish brat (I already know there is that element of me) and I'm over reacting, but I have no idea what to do about these feelings. Anyone got any advice?