I miss my old place

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, May 12, 2012.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So maybe this is just the lack of calories talking.. but I miss my old apartment complex because it had a garage for ever resident. It was nice having the storage. However, it was nice having a quiet method around knowing that it would only take a short while to be gone. I would just fall asleep and that would be that. It was especially comforting on days like today... because if my kitty was being mean I could easily just walk in and end it all.

    A lot has happened over the past couple of days that makes realize that I am dead. I am simply anchored here by my cat. Once that anchor is gone... well I doubt it will be any more than 3 days before I am removed from the physical world. Even then I feel like casting that anchor off more and more these days. I love my fluffy kitty and she deserves all my love.. but at the same time... I am dead.. a walking corpse wishing she was gone.

    So I guess I can say what happened. Friday, there was a meet up of a bunch of people on my fitness forum. I went, sat there and looked around... but did not see anyone... maybe I did and did not know it.. but whatever there was no one there. Even if I recognized someone I would not have gone up to them because of my social anxiety. When it comes to meeting people... well that makes my social anxiety even worse to the point of where I cannot even order water.

    Then there was the letter from my sister. It is nice that she is actually putting forth the effort to write them. However, I was not at all surprised by any of the BS she put in there. It is the same lies that I hear everywhere about how I am so intelligent and funny. Though her one twist was telling me that it would be a waste to just hide in my room till my kitty dies. I was not expecting that one. However, she takes after my mom, and as long as I am not doing anything out of sync with her idea of being a productive adult. She has no reason to talk down to me. Plus I think she desperately wants to believe that all of her siblings are capable of mating. It was funny how she said I am not a Weirdo. I wonder what she thought I did during my childhood other than stay in the basement and play video games?

    Then there is today. I had a class at the crossfit gym. I go home about 20 minutes ago.. it was a nice 2.5 mile walk and took me a little longer from exhaustion due to hunger, I have only had 2 eggs and three protein shakes today... not nearly enough to function. Anyway there is some big gym party or social event at 17:00... so in about 40 minutes. I could have been showered and had a decent snack and gone. But I am not going. Because well I do not know anyone there. They all know my name... I do not know how... other than one of the coaches there shares my name. I know I have met them before... but I just do not see them often enough to know names. So it would just be awkward. Even worse one guy was trying to brow beat me into going.

    Yeah so that is why I am worthless. I cannot find the energy or desire to go out and do any of these things. Plus now I have a two perpetual excuses to keep me away from people. The first being my fitness, and the second being my website. I am a weirdo, despite what my sister wants to believe. I will silently die and decompose long before anyone finds me. That is just life, it is not fair and not everyone gets to be happy or live a worthwhile existence.

    Man I guess it is good I am not around any kind of method. Because I would probably be heading out and contemplating ending myself... maybe it is my new diet... maybe I can go get some Tequila, the only booze I am allowed to have on this diet, and drink myself into a coma? Then again I want to stop drinking.. hmmm...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well i am glad you have family that care about you in their way and i do hope you stay safe hun for them Everyone is different in this world and we just have to accept where we are and if we can't then we have to try and change things hugs
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @total eclipse: It is funny you said, in their own way. Because my family's own way is to look like they are a better family than they actually are. My family means little to me so I will not be sticking around for them.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    then you stick around for YOU then hun as i said if we do not like where we are at take small steps to change things hugs
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling so worthless. We both joined this forum in the same year and I can honestly say I doubt either of us thought we would still be posting here 6 years later. We should view this as a victory. I know that sounds odd as we still find we need the forum for one reason or another. I, for one, am glad you are still here. I do hope that you can get some relief from these feelings. Maybe reach out to your sister or the members at your fitness forum. If they are willing to take the risk to reach out to you, maybe you can take the risk to reach back a little at a time. Just a thought.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I cannot find any reason to stick around for me. I am not sure what can be done to change. Right now anything I do would feel like a hack. A piece of tape, good for now, but over time it would fall apart... not a real solutions

    Yeah... then again I did take a 3 year break from the forum and had to come back...

    I have reached out to my sister in the past. She reached out and I grabbed on and pulled... then she let go. I can understand she has her own life... but still after admitting my suicidal intentions... is that really the time to let go? I am trying again... maybe pen and paper will reach her better.. if it fails again.. then I will close off that door. As for my fitness forum... well I am not overly social on there. I have spoken to maybe two people who think of me in passing... you know to tell me about the meetups and stuff... Otherwise I do not have any real conversations with people on that forum.. or any forum... I am just a random thread and then I vanish.. random thread vanish.

    I guess it is a victory to still be here... maybe it is a failure too... I guess I do not know... right now it is only a failure... as far as I can see anyway...
  7. Prox

    Prox Active Member

    I'm so sorry that it's so deep, man. Won't you consider getting help from someone? People like psychologists and psychiatrists are trained to help you find a reason to stick around — and I assure you that one exists.

    Can you honestly tell yourself that this is how you want things to go? That this is the good life? Only you are capable of turning thungs around — it takes a step and a positive perspective, but it'll be oh so worth it. Imagine a life where instead of waiting around in decay, you are flourishing, and you are happy. Don't you want that?
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are st ill here and so are we ok i hope you do write that letter to your sister keep reaching out ok and as stated above get professional help hun The right person the right therapist can make a world of difference h ugs
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    ##Suicide Forum
    ### Replay to old place
    @Prox: Well I do not trust psychologists. To steal a line from a cartoon I like You will need one treatment a week until my boat is paid off. That is what I see when I see therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists. Plus right now I.. well do not want to afford it. I have a high-deductable health insurance place. Meaning that I have to pay $3000 out of my own pocket before the insurance covers anything. Until I have money in my HSA... well lets just say I hope that this year I do not need the doctor.

    As for what I want. Fuck no this is not what I want. However, I have learned that in life it is not about what I want. It is about what I am given. I was given nothing of value so I am doing what all worthless things do. Die and be disposed of. The other thing useless things do is take up space. I am not that kind of useless thing though. I would love to be living a life where I am flourishing. However, that is like finding a daily use for something that is used once a year. Not worth the effort, I am not hopeful to accidentally discover some magical thing that will make me worth something.

    @total_eclipse: I am going to keep writing my sister. Because I want someone in my family to know everything the net knows about me. I want someone to know I am going to die and not be surprised when I kill myself. My sister gives no useful advice to me. In reality she cannot help me in the aspect I lack most in.
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