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I Miss My Real Friends

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Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#1
I miss my friends from school in England. I deleted my Facebook many years ago because nobody would reply to my messages, talk to me or include me in their lives. I deleted it because I'm a private, introverted person and only used social media to keep in contact with my friends. If they didn't want to talk to me anymore I thought there's no reason to keep it.

I sometimes think that they were angry at me for leaving. I didn't have a choice. I was 15 when my parents moved us to the US. I wish it never happened. But I had no control over that as a child.

They probably think I have such a great life here. It's the opposite. Ever since I've been here I've been bullied everywhere I go. From high school to college to grad school to my jobs. I've done nothing but suffer to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I'm angry and resent my parents for bringing us to this hellhole. My life would have been so much better with a chance for me to be happy if they had never removed me from the UK.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#2
As you said, you didn't have a choice where it came to leaving.
I hear you and I'm sorry for the pain you're in,...... for what it's worth.
 

Kolisar

SF Supporter
#3
@Always Hopeless I am sorry that they took you away from your friends. Especially at 15. That is a terrible time to move and change schools, let alone move to another country.

Ever since I've been here I've been bullied everywhere I go.
Unfortunately, people suck. Kids are often cruel, and will jump at the chance to bully anyone who it different. And I am sure you had (and probably still have) an "accent" from their perspective. Being bullied throughout school really damages you (I know from my own experience). I know it is much easier for me to say this than it may be for you to do it, and I certainly have not been able to do it myself, but if you can try to put that all behind you. They bullied you because you were different, because they felt powerless in other areas of their lives and though that by enacting the cruelty that was done to them on someone else it would make them feel better. Bullies are cowards and normally are also victims of bullying themselves. This does not in any way justify what they did to you, nor does it negate the damage they caused you. I state these things in the hope that by understanding that they were also, probably, victims themselves and were not mature enough to break the cycle it will help you put their abuse behind you. I try to remind myself of these things when dealign with what I suffered at the hands of my family, that they were just to damaged to break the cycle so I was victimized just as they were.

I'm angry and resent my parents for bringing us to this hellhole.
And rightfully so. I've was born here and I hate it quite often (certainly in the recent years more than usual). But, you have have a graduate degree, so you are clearly intelligent. Are you able to return to England (once the travel is permitted again)? I understand hopelessness.

My life would have been so much better with a chance for me to be happy if they had never removed me from the UK.
That is possible, but it also is possible that there is some benefit that you gained from being forced to moved to the US. The key, in my opinion, is that what happened, happened. I agree that it was traumatic to have been moved to another country at such an important time in your social development, but that cannot be changed. Make the best of where you are now. Perhaps your friends from school do not respond to your messages, you can meet new people. It has been decades since I spoke to anyone I knew from school. I've built stronger friendships based on mutual interests, not just random chance and geographical placement.

Hang in there. It will get better.
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#5
I will never forget it and move on. I will never be able to go back as if my life is changed and how it used to be just because I'd be back there. I will still be traumatized and wanting to die everyday. I don't care how smart I may be or what degrees I have. It's all useless shit because it's gotten me nowhere. Expensive, useless education because all I can get are shit jobs that don't pay me enough to cover basic bills and where I'm treated like human trash.

People can be pushed too far over their limits. I am past the point of being able to make a life worth living. Too much suffering.
 

MisterBGone

βœ…
SF Supporter
#6
This sure sounds the shit to me. . . What you've been served up on Life's platter & been forced to feed- I don't know if I've got anything enlightening to offer, other than to say that I can kind of relate to some of what you say. While I grew up here in this country. I was not born here. I was adopted, and so much of the struggles that I have faced in life, ironically, have come moreso in adulthood than before, or earlier. . . But? I guess, if you believe in "save the best for last," then- (I am your shining example). My parents, both of whom have their doctorates, and acceled to the absolute peak or pinnacle of their professions, and were/are the kind of people, when others meet them, always garner the same response, "Are they just the kindest/neatest/best people ever?!?" Anyway, from some of the setbacks & such that I have encountered and faced in life, one in particular has been met with a simliar answer, or solution.. & that is, to "simply go back to / or from where I came?" (Like, as if it would just be that/or so simple). For starters - I don't speak the language (not a word of it), don't even begin to understand the culture (I have no knowledge as to, or of the identity of my biological mother... which also comes in handy with the medical professionals ;)) and I guess I don't even need to go on, really! : ) So, I can see in your shoes, how this change in environment would not undo, or take away any of the traumas (unjustly & unfairly so) & bad things that were done to you. It is unfortunate when the bullies, seemingly win, isn't it? I'm lucky in that I've really only ever had one or two such incidences which I was the target of such, and a couple of things they shared were, besides being outnumbered, could pretty well have their way with me, given the shell-shock of type of like condition that was seemingly rendered onto. But I'm thinking of the older one in particular here (as opposed to the more recent). And I'm realizing that they probably don't spend one second of their day's or night's in life thinking about it. And if it were to somehow flash in front of their eyes, say something like a scene from a movie or tv show, something like that triggered or elicited, evoked just a brief memory of them in that bullying situation (which was always, as I said, a gang-up on type scene or scenario); they'd have the means and way to 'justify,' it - their actions & their behaviors. Which could of course be passed off as, or explained - that is to say, "justified," in their eyes based on any number of illogical arguments. But this no doubt leaves them feeling with little to no guilt. And what even if one or two of them (out of six, seven or eight... depending on the given time) did happen to feel somehow / somewhat 'guilty,' for - or over what they've done. I can assure you that they've got reasons to help them sleep soundly at night. Meanwhile, we sit here in everyloving &/or everlasting hell, every night & day trying to undo or erase that which cannot be wiped out: the memories. And what sucks about that, is that it almost continues to live on and haunt, or taunt in the present, something that has happened in the past. I was lucky in that the first was repressed, and I wasn't aware of it's profound effects on nearly every aspect of my life, going forward, in a good number of places. But then some more recent episodes or escapades have developed, prompting me to suddenly recall them all and it has been like a surge that is neverending, because of how analogous in some ways that they are. In a way, then they are, "connected." If that makes (any) sense? Anyway, I bambled on there for a bit more than I was intending & I realize that I did no-thing to help you in terms of offering up any good solutions. Or on how to feel better. Just wanted to share that I "somewhat," can empathize with, or "feel,' your pain. . -mrb
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#7
I cannot come back from the cruelty of the people in this place. I didn't think creatures like these existed. I have no hope in people. I've changed. Moving somewhere else doesn't change any of that.
 

MisterBGone

βœ…
SF Supporter
#9
I understand. In so much, or as fas as I can... (anyway) - just wondering if, you're somehow able to surround yourself with better people in the future, that might not so much change your mind, necessarily; but at least begin to restore your faith, just ever so slightly--or even a little bit--in "humanity?" It can make a big difference to us (in our minds - & so on, and so forth) what worlds we wind up surrounding ourselves in: no matter how big, or how small. So, even if we are wrapped or enveloped in a small one, if it is bad: or good; then that can feel 'Titanic,' and all-encompassing at times~ Meaning, if you're able to get involved in some more positive experiences, that might drastically change, or alter your view (maybe not comprehensively, or overall, so-to-speak?) but at least for now, at that given moment, which is or will/would happen to be, "the present." : ) I know if feels impossible. But it is not... Just might take some time~ & then the equation can hopefully begin to be balanced, just a little bit more completely (than before)_ ~best wishes! :^) -mbg
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#11
Nurture that relationship and build a supportive relationship with him if he is a good person. You have an opportunity there that many of us do not. Good luck πŸ€
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#12
Nurture that relationship and build a supportive relationship with him if he is a good person. You have an opportunity there that many of us do not. Good luck πŸ€
I hope that all of you find a loving and long-lasting relationship. I can't think of anyone on here who doesn't deserve that.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#14
My depression is so bad. It's at it's worst now. So much that it won't let me enjoy or appreciate my relationship.
Thank you for your caring and empathetic thoughts for all of us here.*hugI know some of what you are sharing and able to feel a lot of it, like challenge with hope and trust in others. To be depressed and not be able to engage well, or even some....or feel as you would like. I've listened over the last couple of years to those in their 20's and 30's with masters and PhDs that can't find work in their fields of study or other positions that would pay a wage at the level that should be reflected by having certain levels of education, it's a larger number than most think. I'm sorry you went through the years of bullying...I had a very frightening experience with it as a teen and I've never forgotten it. I'm glad you have your boyfriend especially while you are in such a dark place. Be safe.*brohug*console*hug
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#15
Thank you for your caring and empathetic thoughts for all of us here.*hugI know some of what you are sharing and able to feel a lot of it, like challenge with hope and trust in others. To be depressed and not be able to engage well, or even some....or feel as you would like. I've listened over the last couple of years to those in their 20's and 30's with masters and PhDs that can't find work in their fields of study or other positions that would pay a wage at the level that should be reflected by having certain levels of education, it's a larger number than most think. I'm sorry you went through the years of bullying...I had a very frightening experience with it as a teen and I've never forgotten it. I'm glad you have your boyfriend especially while you are in such a dark place. Be safe.*brohug*console*hug
Thanks for understanding. But there's no way for me to recover and live my life knowing that the people who bullied me are successful and got away with what they did while I'm suffering and struggling. I can't live with that pain.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#16
Thanks for understanding. But there's no way for me to recover and live my life knowing that the people who bullied me are successful and got away with what they did while I'm suffering and struggling. I can't live with that pain.
Yes, that depth of pain can get in the way of everything, of living life...maybe there's a therapy that can help you get started in being able to alleviate the suffering.....
 

Always Hopeless

Well-Known Member
#18
If I can't get my degree I can't move on and no amount or type of therapy will change that.

I've tried many things. The only thing that will alleviate my suffering is getting into a school. Getting what I've worked hard for for so long that I let the bullies take away.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#19
If I can't get my degree I can't move on and no amount or type of therapy will change that.

I've tried many things. The only thing that will alleviate my suffering is getting into a school. Getting what I've worked hard for for so long that I let the bullies take away.
that's a fabulous plan.....are you blocked in way(s) to get into a school, be in school?
 
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