This sure sounds the shit to me. . . What you've been served up on Life's platter & been forced to feed- I don't know if I've got anything enlightening to offer, other than to say that I can kind of relate to some of what you say. While I grew up here in this country. I was not born here. I was adopted, and so much of the struggles that I have faced in life, ironically, have come moreso in adulthood than before, or earlier. . . But? I guess, if you believe in "save the best for last," then- (I am your shining example). My parents, both of whom have their doctorates, and acceled to the absolute peak or pinnacle of their professions, and were/are the kind of people, when others meet them, always garner the same response, "Are they just the kindest/neatest/best people ever?!?" Anyway, from some of the setbacks & such that I have encountered and faced in life, one in particular has been met with a simliar answer, or solution.. & that is, to "simply go back to / or from where I came?" (Like, as if it would just be that/or so simple). For starters - I don't speak the language (not a word of it), don't even begin to understand the culture (I have no knowledge as to, or of the identity of my biological mother... which also comes in handy with the medical professionals
) and I guess I don't even need to go on, really! : ) So, I can see in your shoes, how this change in environment would not undo, or take away any of the traumas (unjustly & unfairly so) & bad things that were done to you. It is unfortunate when the bullies, seemingly win, isn't it? I'm lucky in that I've really only ever had one or two such incidences which I was the target of such, and a couple of things they shared were, besides being outnumbered, could pretty well have their way with me, given the shell-shock of type of like condition that was seemingly rendered onto. But I'm thinking of the older one in particular here (as opposed to the more recent). And I'm realizing that they probably don't spend one second of their day's or night's in life thinking about it. And if it were to somehow flash in front of their eyes, say something like a scene from a movie or tv show, something like that triggered or elicited, evoked just a brief memory of them in that bullying situation (which was always, as I said, a gang-up on type scene or scenario); they'd have the means and way to 'justify,' it - their actions & their behaviors. Which could of course be passed off as, or explained - that is to say, "justified," in their eyes based on any number of illogical arguments. But this no doubt leaves them feeling with little to no guilt. And what even if one or two of them (out of six, seven or eight... depending on the given time) did happen to feel somehow / somewhat 'guilty,' for - or over what they've done. I can assure you that they've got reasons to help them sleep soundly at night. Meanwhile, we sit here in everyloving &/or everlasting hell, every night & day trying to undo or erase that which cannot be wiped out: the memories. And what sucks about that, is that it almost continues to live on and haunt, or taunt in the present, something that has happened in the past. I was lucky in that the first was repressed, and I wasn't aware of it's profound effects on nearly every aspect of my life, going forward, in a good number of places. But then some more recent episodes or escapades have developed, prompting me to suddenly recall them all and it has been like a surge that is neverending, because of how analogous in some ways that they are. In a way, then they are, "connected." If that makes (any) sense? Anyway, I bambled on there for a bit more than I was intending & I realize that I did no-thing to help you in terms of offering up any good solutions. Or on how to feel better. Just wanted to share that I "somewhat," can empathize with, or "feel,' your pain. . -mrb