The thoughts started 5 years ago when my mother died, I watched her take her last breath and leave this world. A year later my girlfriend of 3 years tells me she doesn't love me anymore and a month after she had sex with one of my friends and rubbed it in my face, I went through a drug addiction, at 17 taking 50-100mg of Methadone a day for 2 months straight. I got back on the right track, got over her, fell in love again with the most beautiful girl in the world, I was happy again, and then I lost once more, struggling to hold onto what little love she had for me left as she told me about her nights at the bar and the men she's made out with. She avoids me, says the things I want her to say when she's drunk, but when she's not I'm scolded for still feeling for her. I told her I didn't like the fact that she pretends I don't exist and has only seen me 3 times in the last 6 months. After hearing this she tells me to go fuck myself and have a happy New Year and that her New Years kiss is going to be the one person I hate. I don't want to be here anymore, I can't keep doing this, there's something wrong with me, I don't know how to be happy on my own and I only want this beautiful angel who has left my life completely, like every female has prior.