I was that way too. I was so afraid of anyone seeing my despair that I kept it to myself. Why do we do it? I'm not really sure. I know that my parents response to despair (in other words, my dissatisfaction with anything at all) is always anger.
But when I came out with it, I was met with understanding and (a little) support too. Maybe because they treated it like it had no cause other than the random fucked-up'd-ness of my brain. To this day, my family is too proud to talk about causes (REAL causes) of unhappiness. For example, I told everyone that my biggest problem was loneliness, and I am still alone now, even though I have my pills.
So now I'm on medication, and I like to credit it with changing me, but it only does so much, and often I wonder if it does anything at all.
But stay with us Amy. I am not leaving. You don't want to leave the rest of us do you?
Sometimes I will take a walk near the lake and stand on rail and look down at the water rushing in full force....I start to think in my mind "I'm here alone...noone wouldn't miss me....the pain and suffering in my life would end with just one quick leap into the water. Who would care? The people who caused me so much pain? My family who has left me for dead? The system that dosen't even want to reach out and show me a new way in life?"
I think of many ways just letting myself go as quickly as possible....I know that the day will come and I'll never have to live with such pain again.
Mind if I sit here with you?..... I'm feeling much like you.
Sometimes I wish I could leave and become a Monk in the mountains of Tibet. But then I realize I'd still have all the painful memories. the lonliness. The nightmares. The endless thoughts of despair. The only way to get rid of it is to be in a permenant sleep. The pills don't work anymore. But like Xian said. Don't leave us. We need to stick together, if nothing else to continue our pity party together.
i am feeling excatly the same way u guys do...Whıle ı am sleepıng ı feel so happy and then ı get up the pain starts....İ smoke 2 packs of cıgarettes a day to die of cancer!!!!Living is sufferıng !!!..suffering is Living...
Amylou I feel your pain. I want to quit it all. I guess I'm ultimately scared of what would happen to my family. The few people that still love me don't deserve to see me go by my own choosing. I feel trapped.