i need a break

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SweetSurrender, Mar 2, 2009.

  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling very self-destructive. I'm incredibly angry, i was triggered by an person at work, and the thing with me is once i feel something it becomes a flood. Except i don't scream and yell, i don't throw a temper tantrum, i don't bitch away to my friends because i simply don't have the energy to do so. I don't have the energy to control my own emotions let alone have someone else's involved. I'm angry but instead of getting it out i'm directing it inwards. I'm not mad at me, i just want to destroy me. I just want to stop thinking and feeling. I guess because i am so unable to yell at anyone, the only person i can really yell at and hurt is myself.
    I've been feeling truly crap all week, well honestly for weeks now, and it is really getting on top of me (putting it mildly). I barely got through last wk at work because i'm exhausted from not sleeping and emotionally i'm wrung out. But for some reason i am completely unable to tell anyone this. I want help but i don't want anyone near me. I cannot stand kindness or love because it is irritating. But i want it too. I don't want anyone around so i push them away and keep them out, but i also know that deep down i'm crying out for someone to notice me and care for me. I realised today with my therapist that because of the way i speak even if i do say i'm depressed, people rarely think anything of it because i'm unable to convey that emotion and say it matter of factly or with a light tone. I even want my therapist to know how low i am, but when i begin to form the words i just hear how utterly meaningless they will sound and don't. We're focusing on me trying to release my emotions and be vulnerable, but right now i really, really just want her to know how low i am and how little energy i have. I don't tell her these things though because she knows i'm depressed, what is the point in going over the issue and she is trying to help me be less depressed by focusing on the bits and pieces.
    Sometimes i feel because i don't have any words i display my despair through my self harm. The most ironic thing about it all is that i don't let anyone see me destroy myself. I wish i could. I wish people would actually open their eyes!!
    I have been stuck in this limbo of depression for a good length of time now. It is strange; because i set myself short-term goals and focus on getting to them, i sometimes don't recognize for how long i've been in pain. This is of course in many ways advantageous, but generally i'm just so so exhausted i cannot even begin to explain. To be honest if anything does happen to me it will ultimately be because i'm too exhausted to get up another day.
    I really need a break from everything, work, my family (i'd say friends too but i've not had the energy to talk to them in months anyway).....and i know this sounds utterly ridiculous but i really want the space to wallow and destroy myself. But i cannot get that space because there is always someone around, and i feel all their emotions crushing me, it is claustrophobic and suffocating. I need time and space.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I have no words, but I really can relate to what you say. Do you think maybe showing your therapist your post might help convey things to her? Or maybe write something specific to give to her? I am sorry for not having anyhting decent to say, but I have read it, heard you, and I care.
     
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I don't know much about feeling better, but I sure know what its like to feel shitty and depressed and claustrophobic. I'm sorry you don't have some quiet place to go - have you tried baths?

    Wish I could say more to help...

    j.
     
  4. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Thanks scum and jameslyons, i know there aren't any words to help, i'm not even sure i was looking for some, just needed to get it out there to be honest. I appreciate you reading it.

    I have thought about writing to her but it is the handing over that i'll freeze on. Plus then it is set in stone, i'd want it back to burn and get rid of the evidence -- too vulnerable.

    I take a lot of baths, i'm back living with my family now so it is the only place that has a lock on the door, i like putting my head under water, makes things fuzzy and far away.