I need a listener!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by artist, May 20, 2010.

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  1. artist

    artist New Member

    I'm 19 years old, white-male, recently opening up about being bisexual.

    I don't know where to begin.
    My childhood is blurry, and I remember enjoying some of it.
    My parents got calls from teachers saying I was quiet and wondered what was going on at home. I've had strong phobias for some reason in early childhood.
    In middle school I started losing close friends and gained weight from excess fastfood-comfort eating. My mom began stripping and prostituting at a massage parlor. My dad was working at Dennys as a manager. I didn't have anyone, and my parents were overbearing.
    I started acting out, and becoming very eccentric for attention. I was bullied uncontrollably by wealthy students at my private school whose mother funded the school. Every time a complaint was made it was throw under the rug. My parents didn't switch me out of the school for some reason.
    I lost all self confidence and self-worth, and decided to lose weight and live as a loner. I desperately just wanted to feel normal.
    Throughout High School I got severe acne and a case of gynecomastia.
    Meanwhile I was dealing with my sexuality, which was too scary for me.

    I managed to rid myself of acne, and put all of my remaining frustration into art. However, I still lack the spark of someone my age.
    I've met some awesome people in college this past year. Started really opening up, and found some people I really love.
    I'm at a prestigious art school with student loans. I feel so blessed to be there.

    However it's Summer vacation and my home life is the same. -worse however because of the economy. My mom is still working at the massage parlor, and I can't find a job myself.

    I feel like my last shed of happiness was at my school. Being back home is only making things worse for me. Opening up old wounds. I'm finding out a lot of my high school friends abused me mentally and took advantage of me.

    I've been drinking a lot lately to get though the days. I feel worthless. I just want to be held, and loved. I can't take it anymore.

    I usually cut my hair to ease pain, but I shaved my head last night.
    I'm so embarrassed, and I know my parents are going to be furious.
    I hate them so much. As much as they love me, and I love them... Part of me really hates them.
    For not taking me fishing- camping- to the beach-
    Not letting me feel normal-

    I'm in my room with the door locked, my parents don't know I shaved my head. I don't know what to do. I'll probably tell them, but it's just the last straw. I just want to run away and change my name.

    I feel like something in my early childhood has been repressed.
    I feel like there's something that's eating me alive.
    I don't know how to live normally.
    Whenever I try to live normally, I always get brought down.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm listening. :hug:

    Is there any way you can live somewhere else for the summer, away from your parents?
     
  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    are these the only reasons why you hate your parents.
     
  4. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    Hi...welcome to SF :)

    1st of all i wanna congradulate you for many thing,you are confess of being bi(and iam bi too :) ),you servive school (u didnt die), you said you wanna be lonely but you mannage to hand let and have good friend ( i couldnt do that tell now), people suffer from obesity and you manage to reduce your wiegth,not mny can do this so really congrade,you mange to control your acen, many cant control it.i just wanna tell u, im Sooooooooooooooooo PROUD OF YOU.

    im listining darling, your problem is you cant see yourself, and wanna change & cut your hair, its becouse childhood problems ( i have problem about my shape close to you), before you decide what you wanna tell your parents, you have to know you should go to psychologist and talk about it, its not a big problem,but it can get better if you dont talk about it.

    im sorry you scared to tell your parant about your hair, but you are a mail,not a big deal, tell them its new fashin, relax & tell them "i promise if you didnt like it, ill not do it again" or my hair is bad, so i cut it to zero tell my new good hair come out,or i wanna die it when its grow up. just breath and relax and go tell them with smile in your face, like you cut it cos you like it this way.

    you are welcome to pm me anytime anywhere. i hear you,take care :hug:
     
  5. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I managed to rid myself of acne, and put all of my remaining frustration into art. However, I still lack the spark of someone my age.
    I've met some awesome people in college this past year. Started really opening up, and found some people I really love.
    I'm at a prestigious art school with student loans. I feel so blessed to be there.


    Im really sorry you are feeling this way, your pain really comes through...........but also so do your achievements...wow....you got into a prestigious art school with loans......well done you! And there are people there you get on with which is great.

    You were bullied horribly at school which I can relate to, and it sounds like you need professional help in dealing with this and your feelings towards your parents......please get the help you need Rob so that these issues no longer affect your day to day life.............its the present and future that are important and therapy can help you focus on that.........go see your doctor..........I didn't believe it myself until I went through a course and I now no longer have feelings of self-loathing or despise my mother for committing suicide.....I wish you all the best ...........shaz
     
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