I need a mom

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PaperMache, Jul 7, 2013.

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  1. PaperMache

    PaperMache New Member

    I need a mom, and the mom I have isn't being a mom. I'm tired of being treated the way I am. I'm tired of her tellying me that I'm abusive, cruel, and a bully. I'm tired of her telling me that I have it easy and that this is how normal parents are supposed to act. I'm tired of her blowing up at me every time she I dare to criticize her or argue with her for any reason, and then breaking out the victim routine and claiming it's all my fault for hurting her. I'm tired of her making excuses, just saying that she wasn't feeling well or I shouldn't have been so mean to her. I'm tired of her saying she hates me, calling me names, slapping me, and then lying to me about it later, trying to make me believe that it never happened, or telling me that I'm remembering things wrong. I'm tired of my pain being diminished and compared to hers, and I'm tired of being treated like I only use my illness as an excuse to lie around and be lazy. She does not listen. I've tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but she always turns the blame on me and says that she's done nothing wrong. I want to leave so badly but I can't. If it weren't for dad's insurance, my medical bills would have been over 15k just in the past year. They're also paying for my education. If I do anything to upset them, then I lose it all. No money for food, for medicine and appointments, for a car or a place to live. That's what happened to my big sister. Mom keylogged her and read her emails, cut her off from her friends and called her a *****. She finally broke down and moved out. She was in the street for a while, found a place to live with some druggies who raped her. Mom acted like the whole thing wasn't a big deal at all, and it was all her fault.

    I can't end up like that. I am so scared. I don't want to commit suicide, but I don't know what else to do. The nightmares I have of my mom and I fighting, the fights we actually have, the fact that my dad can't stand up for me or himself. It's all breaking me down. I have nowhere to go, I'm sick. I'm only 19. I'm waiting to hear back about an MRI to see if I have multiple sclerosis. My body's already given up on me, what do I have to fight for? I'm trying to hold on until I get to college, because maybe things will change then, but I just don't know anymore. I'm so afraid and all I really want is a mom who I can cuddle and talk about my feelings with, a mom who will support me instead of pushing me away. But I don't have one.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi - I am sorry that you find yourself in such a distressing position and that you feel so low as a result of it. If your relationship with your mom is as bad as it seems, then I think you should consider moving out and making your own way so to speak. At 19 you are an adult and unfortunately while you live in your mom's home and her money is supporting you, it seems reasonable that her rules should be followed.

    Of course slapping and name calling are unacceptable in any circumstances and you have every right to feel upset and I am sure that living like that is very distressing - I understand you feel you cannot leave the financial support of your parents, but teenagers leave home every day and support themselves very effectively, using loans to pay for education and such Admittedly it would not be so easy as having parents provide financial support and take care of your living arrangements and meals and transportation etc, but it sounds like your current situation is not making you at all happy regardless. Of course a parent should always be a parent but I am sure that as an adult you recognise that adults - parents - do not stop having difficulties or feelings themselves. It seems like living together is making things difficult and upsetting for you both. Perhaps if you were to move out, there would be less conflict and you could repair your relationship to an extent that cuddles and talking about feelings is possible.

    I hope that you find a resolution to your upsetting situation and that you are able to move forward and repair your relationship.
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hi Paper match

    sorry you are feeling as you are. i know exactly how it feels... my mom.... well i don't even want to go their- it's a triggery subject for me.

    but yes... she is less than supportive of me- and i often find myself in the same kind of situation
    good luck- hope you work something out

  4. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    As a mom of two, it breaks my heart to hear your story. As a mom, I feel it is such a gift that I was given children, that I must do everything in my power to protect them, including from my own depression and anxiety. I fail sometimes, but I would never dream of slapping my child or belittling their existence. I do my best to let them know they are loved and very much wanted. And you are just as precious of a person. They are the only reason I am alive today. I don't know what to tell you to do...I pray college is very soon for you! I left my family at 18. They were poor and bankrupt, so I didn't have to worry about their financial support. I was able to get government loans and grants in my own name, save the extra money to live on to supplement my earnings as a pharmacy technician in college. I lived I. The doors the first year then got an apartment with roommates after that until I graduated as an RN and was able to make a good salary on my own. I got married as well in college an 13 years later we are still happy and married. I just wanted to give you a positive story from someone from an abusive family who was able to get out and stay out. Hugs to you!!
  5. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Papermache,
    I am so sorry, heartbreaking your story and post title. When illness happens to anyone it affects everyone around you as well. I have long-term RA and had as a child as well, so I do understand. I am/was so angry and ' why me', it doesn't help and I have to adapt my life. I live at home with my parents but are an older adult. Stress affects the whole family. Your mum will hate seeing you poorly, try explaining how unwell you feel. It is hard when the problems can't be seen as easily by others. MS causes extreme tiredness and pain sometimes, lots of symptoms. You could ask for counselling to help you cope with your condition, your mother needs to go as well with you or on her own if you are uncomfortable. Give her some printed info to read about your condition. Your sister is in a nightmare situation, causing stress to your mum. Your sister needs to be safe. Not on she reads anyone's emails, not appropriate.
    Slapping, name-calling is not acceptable, stress is causing this. Spend quality time with your mother, she can't cope like yourself. Please both see your gp's about medication to help cope.
    This will get better, I will be your friend anytime, I would have taken you in but I can't sorry.
    Take care
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Others have suggested a lot of good advice - to the point i'm not sure I can add to but I can agree with.

    There is something else that is up for consideration though.

    Is it not possible, that your mum herself has something that she's in denial of that doesn't help her being the way she is? It doesn't excuse what she has done to you/your sister, but it might provide an insight into something that could be missed in the bigger picture.
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