I Need a New Brain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ranc1dM0R0N, Aug 25, 2014.

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  1. Ranc1dM0R0N

    Ranc1dM0R0N New Member

    My mind is a weird thing. I can't recall any memories from before 4th grade. And if I do, they will just be bits and
    pieces. I don't know why this is. I can clearly remember the bad things though. At least, most of them.I'm not very good at
    remembering people, places and things unless they meant something to me or if it was something bad. Or unless I found it
    interesting or was curious about it. For example, I remember all of my cats. Each and every one. I know what their
    individual personalities were like, I know what specific colors they were, I know all of their names because hell, I'm the
    one who named them. I'm very suicidal. I think about different ways to off myself almost every single day. No, not almost,
    I think about it every single day. I know I've felt this way since I was like 14. I'm 17 now. I've always told myself that I would
    kill myself before I reach my mid-twenties. Maybe it's the fear of getting old or maybe it's the fear of not knowing. Just
    not knowing. Or maybe it's my curiosity of the after-life. If there even is one. I think there is. Only one way to find
    out though, and it's permanent. Or maybe it's not. I never really give much thought to my future because I know that the
    only future I have will be suicide. May not be today, tomorrow, next month or next year, but I know it will come. It is
    already slowly beginning to take complete control over my mind and my thought if it hasn't already.. :unconscious:
  2. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    :welcome: Hi, I think your brain sounds ok :hug: I remember only a few things before 4th grade, but not very clearly. It's definitely normal to mostly remember the interesting stuff - good and bad. And cats are memorable ;). Do you want to share about why you feel like the only future you have is suicide? I remember being about your age and not believing I was going to make it past 20, but I made it. Hang in there, and you can pm me if you want to talk.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Maybe you need therapy to change the way your brain sees things Therapy can help
  4. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    Total Eclipse is right, therapy is a great tool to help you see your life differently. I was like you at 17.. hey, I'm still like you and I'm 23. I can't see anything past the next couple of years, but then I don't think anyone can really. Not truly. Your life changes so much in such a short space of time, especially coming up to your 20s, it's not surprising you feel that way.
    Please bare in mind the people around you who love you. They can help even the worst times seem brighter. Hang in there. Stay safe x
  5. Ranc1dM0R0N

    Ranc1dM0R0N New Member

    Lol man, this one night I was writing my suicide letter. I had it all planned out, exactly how I was gonna die and to make sure 110% that there would be no chance I'd survive. But I guess that night wasn't my night to die because my mom came in. Fuck, I flipped the paper over and she asked me what I was doing, I replied by saying I was drawing. Now, she never asks to see the shit I draw but that night she asked. She wanted to know what I drew. I panicked and tore the paper to shreds. Except, she got one of the torn pieces. It was the piece that said "suicide" on it. So now she knew that I was gonna kill myself. But what did she do? She did nothing. She got angry at me, yelled at me.
    see, my mom is afraid of words like depression, suicidal and self-destructive. I know that I'm probably gonna die by OD'ing. I read about this 5 or 6 year old kid that had this inoperable brain tumor and I thought to myself, that's a young child that has the zest and adventure for life, so how is it fair that he's going to die in a few months while me, who would gladly take that brain tumor from him and claim it as my own, live to be 17? I don't act depressed. I've never acted depressed. I go to school, I hang out with friends, we joke about the stupidest shit, I laugh, I play soccer. But then I come home and to my room and then it's just me, the walls and my thoughts. I also do this one thing, where if I'm close to crying in front of people like my parents (I hate that, the huge lump in your throat that's hard to swallow), I visualize hurting myself and that makes me feel so much better. Then I don't have the urge to cry anymore, I can control it. And not just visualizing hurting yourself like cutting or something, but grotesque stuff like sawing my arm off or stabbing my wrist with a knife and slashing upwards, slitting all the veins. Now you see why I can't say stuff like that to anyone at all or else they'll throw me in the mental hospital. I like hospitals, just not mental hospitals.
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