I need a reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mcwille117, Nov 13, 2013.

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  1. Mcwille117

    Mcwille117 New Member

    I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. The first time I tried to kill myself was in the 6th grade. It landed me in a facility that put me on so many drugs it has put a lasting I guess I would say fear of prescription drugs. The last time I legitimately tried to kill myself was 10 years ago. <mod edit - methods>, and spent time in the icu. I have a limp from it for the rest of my life. It is not that I have felt any better it is just that I know it would kill my mom. That has been the only factor that has kept me from <mod edit - methods>. But I know I am not far from that being still enough anymore. Everything in my life seems to be like one step forward three steps back. I have no money. No degree I tried to go back to school because after becoming homeless on paper, I finally qualified for financial aid. But I found out quickly that I cannot make it through biology. It didn't help that some days I was just too depressed to go to school. My life just seems to be more of a downward spiral lately. I haven't had a real relationship since April of 2007. It's not that I am bad looking or fat. I am 5'10" 200lbs athletic build, full head of hair. It is just that I don't have money to go out or take a girl out. Hell right now I would just be happy with a hug. I crave physical contact and seeing everyone I know in a relationship just makes me feel even worse. Now I am starting to gain weight too and as much as I want to I just can't find the energy or drive to exercise. So that is just getting me down even more. Just spiraling down. I am tired all the time. As young child I traveled the world with my family and all I have ever wanted to do with my life is get back on the road and travel. Coming to the realization that I can't afford and I probably never will be able to afford to do that just keeps grinding into me why am I even here? Why do I keep waking up this miserable every day for what? So my life can just keep getting shittier until my mom dies so I can finally kill myself without regret? The rest of my family will get over it. I mean I know it will hurt them but they will get over it. It would literally kill my mom. She isn't all that stable either. So obviously I know where I get it. My grandmother was a skitzo and I am smart enough to know I need meds. But every time I have tried I hate the way they make me feel. They don't fix anything. My life is still shitty. All drugs do is either make my head fuzzy and frustrate me or make me so fucked up I don't give a shit. I self medicated for a long time with weed and alcohol. But now when I drink I become even more of a downer. It just makes me think about how much shittier my life is now than it was even a few years ago. So I quit drinking. Not because I had a problem with it, I just didn't see a point to it anymore. A very small amount of weed is good I feel happy and even get some motivation but even half a hit more and I start to get stupid so that just defeats that. With varying potencies it is just not a viable answer. I am a very hard worker and I have a ton of skills but the only jobs I can find pay the same as McDonald's. I can build a fucking house. From the fucking ground up. And the the only jobs I can find are $8 an hour? It cost more in gas and just general expenses to get up and go to a job like that it makes it not even worth getting out of bed. I filed bankruptcy last year finally became debt free so I could go back to school and only have to worry about student loans. Then I got hurt on my friends boat and now I owe the hospital 5 thousand dollars for them to not notice what med student could see clear as day, that I had no cone of light showing in my ear and I clearly ruptured my tympanic membrane, but they tell me take some aspirin and suck it up. And I need to go to them for some mental help? Fuck I can't afford anything, I don't have insurance so I am not really going to get actual care just cookie cutter "take these pills and fuck off". Which aren't going to be pills that actually do anything except give me a fuzzy head and piss me off so I will stop taking them and spiral back around to more debt more problems, three steps back. Every time I look towards the future I just get even more depressed because everything I want just seems so far out of reach it just isn't worth feeling this shitty all the time. And everything just circles back around. I need a girlfriend because I crave and need intimacy but realistically I am in no position to get one, no money, no place to go if I had a girlfriend. Did I mention that I am essentially homeless? I am living out of a laundry basket in the spare room at my parents house that isn't even setup as a bedroom. But hey at least I have a bed sort of. No money to get a place because I can't find a job that will afford me a place. So I feel shittier which just makes it shittier because I don't have the energy to take care of myself so I have started gaining weight which means I am even further from getting into any kind of relationship. The only positive I can see in my life is my family but at some point soon this is just not going worth putting up with and fuck it what do I care if it hurts them I will be dead. I am laying in bed can't sleep because all I can think about is killing myself. Don't try and feed me the bullshit that it will get better just stay positive and wait it out, permanent solution to a temporary problem and all that shit. This is the real world, there aren't fairy tale endings that make your shit into glass slippers. I have been holding onto "it will get better" for the last 20 years. Nope sorry in the real world if you don't have money it doesn't get better. And don't even think about feeding me that god has a plan bullshit. Fuck you! I get that from my mother and all I can say is why would I be made to suffer my entire life and not know happiness? For what to be better off later? When I'm too old to enjoy life or on my fucking death bed? Or some mythical heaven where all your dreams come true. Go fuck yourself. "heaven" is a survival instinct you mind believes so that you feel better about dying. You have read enough of my story to see where I am. I need a legitimate reason why shouldn't I<mod edit - methods>?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i came from poverty nil nothing no money and somehow i made it better
    If you cannot do biology then find a field you are good at and one you do enjoy
    education was my way out. You have a roof over your head family who care about you that is positive
     
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