i need a way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MorganaNever, Dec 17, 2011.

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  1. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I had one of the worst days yesterday. More shitty fights with my partner, I cant even tell who is insane but I cant go on anymore. I went out and I wanted to jump under a car, but with my luck Id probably just end up mutilated or handicapped instead of dead.

    Today, another fight. Its all so pointless what hell are we doing.I don't know who to turn to or talk with, whom to ask for advice. I feel everyone is pulling from every side with some agenda and I cant deliver and fulfill their plans of how life should be.

    My parents call and I fake enthusiasm and all is great and talk about movies for an hour with my brother. Then I listen to stuff about having a routine and having a job and nod my head like its just a matter of choice, what can I say? Yea, I dont want to depend on anyone else. I hate money, I wish everything was different. I had other plans.

    I'm on the edge, I'm tired of finding excuses for why I can't make that damn routine and a job. I got my masters this year, I have so much interests, but what does a diploma from a foreign university mean in america. I wanted to continue school but I don't want to owe anyone shit. Yea I would work a dumb job I don't care about to collect money for things I do care about, but its not so easy when you're with someone who feels embarrassed to be with me if I am not doing something they approve off. And there are other issues also.

    Then his parents keep going about keeping ourselves busy and what not, they don't understand how depressed we are. I want to at least protect my partner and convince them to not push him to do what they think he should when he is on the edge trying to figure out when doing what he loves will finally be recognized. Id work for us both but I don't exactly have that much options right now. I can't tell him how much his parents are "pressuring" me to start doing anything, and I can't tell them how much he has a problem with all of it.

    On the top of it all we fight all the fucking time. Im even on his side with some stuff but I'm so sick of being snapped at all the damn time. Then I lose it and its too much. Then I'm insane. ITs been same circles ever since we met. We will never be ok.

    And inside I'm completely handicapped by depression but saying anything seems too much like looking for an excuse. No one I could get involved would know what to do.

    My parents would tell me to just come back. I would have gone to some european university and continue my education, get a phD or a second masters and think about what I want. But I can't leave this mess cause im too far in it.

    No one is the bad guy. Everyone has their views on life and their expectations. I'm just a nobody here, the young inexperienced one who can't provide the stability needed since my life was never at that point.

    I don't feel anything here is mine, I'm sick of depending on anyone's parents, my partner has ten million insecurities that don't leave me with much options.

    I wish I could just escape it all and go back home and get some help and then see how. But my partner would probably lose it completely.

    I can't even explain how it feels inside my head and everyone keeps going on about sth. So yes our lives suck, yes, were messed up, can't establish the damn routine and be proactive or what not and we drag each other down.
    Damn if they all knew how hard it is to simply eat normally and not forget, how hard it is to just stay alive. I am trying to do some things, I really am. Im not spoiled for gods sake. I never wanted any of this. I cant talk to anyone.

    I feel completely alone. I need something no one can give me, some understanding.

    I just want to die so badly. I get all the shit from everyone and cant explain the reality to anyone. My partner blames me for so much shit he just wants to hurt me and I hate this life, I hate where I am and I hate having to excuse myself for it in front of outside observers with their judgment.

    This is just the tip of the iceberg. This is just a current little fuck up. Its all so hopeless. We all know it is.

    Please, can anyone talk to me and give any advice, I wont be able to go on like this much longer. I feel I am constantly about to crash but when it finally seems it will all break I always get just enough of a power boost to continue going on and its such an agony. I cant. No one gets it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't know hun seems like being together is causing more pain for you and your partner maybe seperation for a time being so you can look after YOU hun not your partners problems okay You need to keep YOU strong now and let your partner do the same I am sorry you are feeling so alone hun but you keep talking here okay you keep venting so you know you are not alone anymore hugs
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry that you're feeling bad. I'm glad you're here and can speak without being judged.

    You say your partner would lose it completely if you went back home. Don't you think he'd really lose it if you died?

    You ask for advice? Ok, do whatever it takes to get away from your partner. It's obvious that the two of you together feed off of each other, intensify the situation and it grows worse and worse. My first choice would be to go home to your parents. If not that, maybe an abused women's shelter. If nothing else, go to a hospital emergency room, tell them about hearing voices. You may have a chance at some treatment that would at least clear your head some.Only my opinion.

    You're always welcome to come here. Take care. (((hugs)))
  4. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    The thing with dying is that it just ends it all and I no longer have to care or deal with the consequence even if they do lose it.

    I am simply not able to get away from my partner. That's impossible, not even an option, for so many reasons.

    My partner is a very good loving person, who will go out of his way to do something nice for me and make me smile. He is also in some ways troubled and has his issues and insecurities. Id say there are two type of problems with us- the biggest one that he doesn't trust me at all and constantly keeps waiting for me to "come clean" about something when in reality we talked so much about all that happened and its so traumatizing to me at this point and the stuff he believes I was doing to him are so far from truth but he will never see that. For that, he can desensitize himself, forget that he loves me and act like a total idiot in anger.

    Second issue is that he has a bad temper (I kinda do too) and he verbally loses his shit in anger and he gets angry easily. What is a minor annoyance to someone is a huge thing to him and he doesn't see the affect of the stuff he says.
    Then again, I have a temper too and too much pride to eat shit when its just unfair so I react and it takes insane proportions.

    Im tired of slamming doors and yelling all the time. Im tired of his voice and face in those moments, of the frustration that takes hold of me. If you cry and lose your shit totally once every day how can you be balanced?

    I cant take accusations and suspicion, I would rather die then ever discuss "the past" again.

    He has a side that I want to torture and kill in the most brutal way possible and other then that there is a person worth everything.

    We are just both messed up and its crazy. We try to establish stability and we have most wonderful loving times in between wars.

    And there are no friends anymore, no anything. We want to live our lives but we cant deal with anything since there is always some emotional mess taking place. But for him its still worse.

    His mind will drive him into total insanity and it would be an awful loss.

    I don't know what I'm doing at all. I went all the way into insanity to prove to him I can be trusted and now I can't get out and I still don't have that.

    I think there's nothing more idiotic then to lose life over a relationship. Worst thing is I never wanted it, I never needed it, I was on a completely different track. It feels like something that just happened to me and I know I can't explain why I can't get out.

    I myself wouldn't understand it 3 years ago and I don't even know if I understand now, but I just cant get out.

    You have no idea how much of life I had to sacrifice for this shit, for that damn trust Ill never obviously have cause of something that shouldn't even had mattered and should have been resolved ages ago.
    All my friends, some people who had nothing to do with anything and were important to me, my own damn city and country, my ability to move alone freely and my whole freedom. My relationships with even my own family. My focus on any other goals that now takes insane effort and always falls apart. My sanity, feeling good in my own skin and life.

    And I don't blame him, he doesn't understand, he genuinely feels like a total victim too. I blame life (at this moment, it varies from blaming myself, him, god- whom I don't believe in, life, karma.... etc. Its all unfair and I can't wait to finally go completely insane because my biggest aspiration is to go to a hospital where no one expects anything from me.
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