I had one of the worst days yesterday. More shitty fights with my partner, I cant even tell who is insane but I cant go on anymore. I went out and I wanted to jump under a car, but with my luck Id probably just end up mutilated or handicapped instead of dead. Today, another fight. Its all so pointless what hell are we doing.I don't know who to turn to or talk with, whom to ask for advice. I feel everyone is pulling from every side with some agenda and I cant deliver and fulfill their plans of how life should be. My parents call and I fake enthusiasm and all is great and talk about movies for an hour with my brother. Then I listen to stuff about having a routine and having a job and nod my head like its just a matter of choice, what can I say? Yea, I dont want to depend on anyone else. I hate money, I wish everything was different. I had other plans. I'm on the edge, I'm tired of finding excuses for why I can't make that damn routine and a job. I got my masters this year, I have so much interests, but what does a diploma from a foreign university mean in america. I wanted to continue school but I don't want to owe anyone shit. Yea I would work a dumb job I don't care about to collect money for things I do care about, but its not so easy when you're with someone who feels embarrassed to be with me if I am not doing something they approve off. And there are other issues also. Then his parents keep going about keeping ourselves busy and what not, they don't understand how depressed we are. I want to at least protect my partner and convince them to not push him to do what they think he should when he is on the edge trying to figure out when doing what he loves will finally be recognized. Id work for us both but I don't exactly have that much options right now. I can't tell him how much his parents are "pressuring" me to start doing anything, and I can't tell them how much he has a problem with all of it. On the top of it all we fight all the fucking time. Im even on his side with some stuff but I'm so sick of being snapped at all the damn time. Then I lose it and its too much. Then I'm insane. ITs been same circles ever since we met. We will never be ok. And inside I'm completely handicapped by depression but saying anything seems too much like looking for an excuse. No one I could get involved would know what to do. My parents would tell me to just come back. I would have gone to some european university and continue my education, get a phD or a second masters and think about what I want. But I can't leave this mess cause im too far in it. No one is the bad guy. Everyone has their views on life and their expectations. I'm just a nobody here, the young inexperienced one who can't provide the stability needed since my life was never at that point. I don't feel anything here is mine, I'm sick of depending on anyone's parents, my partner has ten million insecurities that don't leave me with much options. I wish I could just escape it all and go back home and get some help and then see how. But my partner would probably lose it completely. I can't even explain how it feels inside my head and everyone keeps going on about sth. So yes our lives suck, yes, were messed up, can't establish the damn routine and be proactive or what not and we drag each other down. Damn if they all knew how hard it is to simply eat normally and not forget, how hard it is to just stay alive. I am trying to do some things, I really am. Im not spoiled for gods sake. I never wanted any of this. I cant talk to anyone. I feel completely alone. I need something no one can give me, some understanding. I just want to die so badly. I get all the shit from everyone and cant explain the reality to anyone. My partner blames me for so much shit he just wants to hurt me and I hate this life, I hate where I am and I hate having to excuse myself for it in front of outside observers with their judgment. This is just the tip of the iceberg. This is just a current little fuck up. Its all so hopeless. We all know it is. Please, can anyone talk to me and give any advice, I wont be able to go on like this much longer. I feel I am constantly about to crash but when it finally seems it will all break I always get just enough of a power boost to continue going on and its such an agony. I cant. No one gets it.