I need advice about my mental torture I'm receiving from my mom

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by veetwo, Nov 1, 2015.

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  1. veetwo

    veetwo New Member

    I haven't been okay in a very long time, I'm not writing this for pity, I just want to know if there's anyone else going through something similar,or if someone could give me advice.



    It started about a week ago, I couldn't go outside without looking up at the trees, looking around me, thinking of all the different possible ways I could kill myself. I couldn't sleep at night anymore, I found myself tossing and turning till 4, sometimes 5 am over and over again. I had tried to reset my sleeping schedule by pulling an allnighter but I ended up having a panic attack so bad I passed out around 6-7 pm and woke up a few hours later just to repeat the cycle.


    I talked to my friends about what I was experiencing and although they were supportive and talked to me to help, I still felt alone, I know I'm not alone, I do know this. I just couldn't help the loneliness for some reason.


    At the time, I hadn't told my family about what I was feeling, there was good reason for it too.

    My mom was already stressed, her boyfriend recently made a horrible comment and quit his job just to piss her off. It worked.

    My sister I haven't been able to talk, she lives far away with her own family now. I didn't want to be a burden on her too.


    I still wish I hadn't said a thing. I wish I could have stayed quiet like I have been so many times before. Me being the selfish person that I am, I wanted comfort from my mom.


    Just a few hours ago, I finally got the courage to do so, I thought about everything I'd tell her, I cut some of the more horrible suicidal thoughts in attempt not to upset her, however I did more than upset her anyway.


    I told her about me going outside, I told her about my anxiety worsening. However I didn't get the reaction I longed for, I didn't get her comfort or a hug, I just got anger.

    I started crying I couldn't hold myself together. She told me to stop, I couldn't. I couldn't stop. I just wanted her to listen and see that I'm not okay.

    I started having a panic attack, unable to calm myself or my breathing she started to snap, “YOU ARE __ YEARS OLD YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, I AM SICK OF THIS I AM SO SICK OF THIS I JUST WANT TO.. AAAAGHHH” at this point I can't hold my shaking back, I'm shaking so bad and it only infuriated her more, she got up yelling something I didn't catch due to my heavy dry heaving, trying to stop crying. She started to punch my wall and scream, eventually she slammed my door but this wasn't the end.

    I couldn't stop crying, she eventually came back and told me this. “If you do not fucking stop you know where they'll put you? IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.”

    I started crying more, at this point I was terrified

    I didn't know what to say. I was so scared.

    She slammed the door once again, I tried holding back my tears and my anxiety, of course I couldn't though and she came back once again to take me into the kitchen just to yell more over and over to stop crying, my anxiety is my own fault and drink tea. I started shaking again, scared to say anything again. She then asked me if I was scared of her. I didn't want to answer but she wasn't yelling this time, I thought maybe she was being my mom again. I couldn't be more wrong.

    I managed to nod as I couldn't make the words come out.. “I HAVE NEVER HIT YOU YOU'RE A JOKE.” …

    I don't know why she..

    It just made me panic more.

    “I AM THIS CLOSE. THIS. CLOSE.”

    I started repeatedly apologizing, I didn't know what else to do. I went back to my room and just kept crying and crying.


    I notice an aspirin bottle on my desk. I take the last remaining six and choked them down between my heaving.


    Fast forward to me having blurred vision and pains at my left side, a few google searches and me learning this isn't going to kill me, that six aspirins is equivalent to a cough drop and that I was an idiot for even thinking that small amount could do harm.

    Just my luck though, there isn't anything else to take to ensure a overdose.


    I lay in bed, crying as my vision kept being weird. At one point I went out of my room to go to the bathroom but it woke my dogs.. Which..Woke my mother. She comes down the stairs as I try to rush back into my room. “Thanks ____ for fucking waking me up. Didn't need my sleep anyway.”

    ..Here we go again. I'm scared, again, of my own mother.. I just wanted her to know that I wasn't doing okay, I didn't know it would be anything like this.. so why..?


    I don't think I'll ever understand anything that happened. However I do know that once I get money to leave this place, I am definitely never coming back.
     
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

     
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

     
  4. veetwo

    veetwo New Member

    It was hard at first to see your message. I turned 20 September, so there isn't really anywhere I could go unless I have the money for it. I know I need to get out of this situation but I don't have a choice right now.
    As for harming myself, I don't think I'll be doing anything for a long time. I'm still feeling sick from last night aspirins and I've made an appointment with my doctor about this..
    I'll remain to stay quiet here as I just don't want to be yelled at anymore for something I cannot control.
    Thank you for your concern,
    -Vee
     
  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Veetwo I am sorry for the issues that you are having, no one should treat you like that, No One,
    You have connected with us and I want to welcome you to SF, I would like to tell you that you are and will be safe here we will not tell or let anyone know that you have contacted us, anything you say on here is confidential, we are here for you, no one will judge you or make fun of you here, that is not permitted here,
    everyone that is here cares about you and others that come here for help, right now you are a very important
    member of this Forum we will treat you like family, a caring, loving one, and we will do all we can to help you deal with the problems that you are now having! No one should have to live or tolerate what has been done with and to you! We cannot do anything about that but I would like to see if you can't get somewhere safe, you are right you are suffering in part from mental abuse and cruelty, you should not be put through that as you suspected, Can you try to get somewhere safe? I know that you mentioned your sister, you cannot and should not have to worry about being a burden, you should be able to feel safe, you do not right now I believe! we have others here that will talk to you when you are ready, you age will not matter to us I believe but it might make a difference in what you yourself are able to do I am not asking your age but at some point it might be relevant, Please take care of yourself Be gentle, You have done nothing wrong I would ask you to not consider harming yourself, Please! You are a worthwhile person with a right to expect being treated in a considerate manner, not Abused in the way you have been! We are here for you! Please Hold on!
     
  6. veetwo

    veetwo New Member

    unfortunately, I don't have anywhere to go.
    My sister lives 5 hours away, I don't have a car of my own to get there. I'm not sure of any other options, if I was younger I could find a shelter for teens and be moved to another home but I am not.
     
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am sorry I have redone it I do not know what happened, I apologize for the inconvience, I hope this will
    Veetwo, I am sorry, can you get money for a bus or possibly a train, I am thinking of options, I am concerned for you, is you mother always volatile like that or is it the issues with her bf?, you seemed to believe that she would show you some compassion an you got something different? I am sorry but these are the feelings I got from you when you were describing the confrontations with her!
    I want you to know that you have done nothing wrong, I don't want you to feel like you have, You are right her yelling could possibly aggravate your condition what ever it is from, I am not that knowledgeable about your condition or what the cause may be, there might be others here that can be more helpful with that! Please keep yourself out of harms way an stay safe
     
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