I haven't been okay in a very long time, I'm not writing this for pity, I just want to know if there's anyone else going through something similar,or if someone could give me advice. It started about a week ago, I couldn't go outside without looking up at the trees, looking around me, thinking of all the different possible ways I could kill myself. I couldn't sleep at night anymore, I found myself tossing and turning till 4, sometimes 5 am over and over again. I had tried to reset my sleeping schedule by pulling an allnighter but I ended up having a panic attack so bad I passed out around 6-7 pm and woke up a few hours later just to repeat the cycle. I talked to my friends about what I was experiencing and although they were supportive and talked to me to help, I still felt alone, I know I'm not alone, I do know this. I just couldn't help the loneliness for some reason. At the time, I hadn't told my family about what I was feeling, there was good reason for it too. My mom was already stressed, her boyfriend recently made a horrible comment and quit his job just to piss her off. It worked. My sister I haven't been able to talk, she lives far away with her own family now. I didn't want to be a burden on her too. I still wish I hadn't said a thing. I wish I could have stayed quiet like I have been so many times before. Me being the selfish person that I am, I wanted comfort from my mom. Just a few hours ago, I finally got the courage to do so, I thought about everything I'd tell her, I cut some of the more horrible suicidal thoughts in attempt not to upset her, however I did more than upset her anyway. I told her about me going outside, I told her about my anxiety worsening. However I didn't get the reaction I longed for, I didn't get her comfort or a hug, I just got anger. I started crying I couldn't hold myself together. She told me to stop, I couldn't. I couldn't stop. I just wanted her to listen and see that I'm not okay. I started having a panic attack, unable to calm myself or my breathing she started to snap, “YOU ARE __ YEARS OLD YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, I AM SICK OF THIS I AM SO SICK OF THIS I JUST WANT TO.. AAAAGHHH” at this point I can't hold my shaking back, I'm shaking so bad and it only infuriated her more, she got up yelling something I didn't catch due to my heavy dry heaving, trying to stop crying. She started to punch my wall and scream, eventually she slammed my door but this wasn't the end. I couldn't stop crying, she eventually came back and told me this. “If you do not fucking stop you know where they'll put you? IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.” I started crying more, at this point I was terrified I didn't know what to say. I was so scared. She slammed the door once again, I tried holding back my tears and my anxiety, of course I couldn't though and she came back once again to take me into the kitchen just to yell more over and over to stop crying, my anxiety is my own fault and drink tea. I started shaking again, scared to say anything again. She then asked me if I was scared of her. I didn't want to answer but she wasn't yelling this time, I thought maybe she was being my mom again. I couldn't be more wrong. I managed to nod as I couldn't make the words come out.. “I HAVE NEVER HIT YOU YOU'RE A JOKE.” … I don't know why she.. It just made me panic more. “I AM THIS CLOSE. THIS. CLOSE.” I started repeatedly apologizing, I didn't know what else to do. I went back to my room and just kept crying and crying. I notice an aspirin bottle on my desk. I take the last remaining six and choked them down between my heaving. Fast forward to me having blurred vision and pains at my left side, a few google searches and me learning this isn't going to kill me, that six aspirins is equivalent to a cough drop and that I was an idiot for even thinking that small amount could do harm. Just my luck though, there isn't anything else to take to ensure a overdose. I lay in bed, crying as my vision kept being weird. At one point I went out of my room to go to the bathroom but it woke my dogs.. Which..Woke my mother. She comes down the stairs as I try to rush back into my room. “Thanks ____ for fucking waking me up. Didn't need my sleep anyway.” ..Here we go again. I'm scared, again, of my own mother.. I just wanted her to know that I wasn't doing okay, I didn't know it would be anything like this.. so why..? I don't think I'll ever understand anything that happened. However I do know that once I get money to leave this place, I am definitely never coming back.