I need advice on emotions - LONG RANT INSIDE.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by perfect-flaw, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. perfect-flaw

    perfect-flaw Active Member

    Okay, I have a problem... I've always had it, but I only just recently came to terms with it.

    I'm overly emotional

    And I don't mean like, cry-like-an-idiot-over-a-semi-sad-movie. I mean, crying at least twice a day, over nothing. Getting really angry and really jealous and really hurt, over the stupidest things in the world.

    My boyfriend; I have been dating him long distance for almost 9 months. I finally formally introduced him to my best friend through MSN about four days ago. They clicked. I know they're only friends, but they clicked. And he started to do tiny little things that he *used* to do for me, with her. For example, we used to do this stupid back-and-forth poke game thing. We would literally text -poke- back and forth for hours, with added details. -pokes your sides, cackles evilly and runs away- <-- things like that, until one of us was declared a winner. He stopped doing that with me, and started with her. Even through Facebook, posting on her wall like seven times, meanwhile he was pretty against wall-posting on my profile.

    These little small details, that I know are not harmful. Like, I am subconsciously aware that it's harmless... but I got so jealous and hurt and angry, I freaked out on the both of them, almost broke up with him twice, and then spent an hour crying to my friend, as I read her all the texts he used to send me about how amazing I was.

    If something doesn't go my way, I cry, lock myself in my room, listen to music, and draw stupid "emo" pictures. Last night, was a human heart in a cage. A few days ago, I got so mad, I punched a hole into the wall. I am NOT STRONG, but I managed to punch a hole into the wall.

    Similarly, if my boyfriend sings me to sleep like he does every once and a while, I'm ecstatic. I am completely and utterly thrilled, so I'll shower him with gifts (Well, not shower, but I've spent quite a bit on him, long distance) and jump up and down like a six year old on a sugar high. I'll talk baby with my mother (squeaky girly voice) tell her I love her, go off to the mall and pick out a million things to buy my mom.

    And then I'll walk into a change room, realize I'm fat, and my mood deflates faster than any beach toy being punctured by a nail! Suddenly, I can't even look at a mirror, I'm fighting back tears, and trying to keep up with my mother, who just saw me happy two seconds ago.

    It has gotten to a point where I'll shut myself in a bathroom stall at school because I feel the need to cry for a bit in order to keep myself in one piece at school. Every little tiny thing my boyfriend says or does, I memorize, and my emotions are especially influenced by him, because I am entirely *obsessed* with him.

    Then my dad might come into my room, and tell me that I'm fat and should lose weight, and I get upset and stop eating completely, for maybe a day... and then I get angry about something or another, and I'm spending so much money on food I can't even successfully consume. Fast foods. Convincing myself that food makes me happy.

    And then I'll want to puke it all out, but I don't dare do that, so instead I decide that maybe I just wont eat again for another 24 hours, or I'll just eat vegetables, and then that falls apart instantly.

    The night before last night, I couldn't sleep at all. Last night I slept 14 hours... When I do sleep, its either uncomfortable, or full of the most retarded dreams ever, that have a bit of significance, but are so ....abstract and just.. confusing. They leave me shaken when I first wake up, and then I forget them... wake up to my boyfriend's good morning text, smile, text him back.. and then get overly upset when he wont answer me, or he only says Hi back... and I miss the times when he would go out of his way to tell me how much he loves me and why.

    I know deep down inside that this is all because of the fact that I've gone downhill for a while... He cares about me, but I know I'm hard to handle.. really hard.

    I don't know if I'm given enough insight on my state of mind, but I hope its enough...

    Any advice is helpful! And if it's to go see a professional, I'd appreciate it if you could provide a bit of advice on what to do outside of that only because talking my parents into seeing a professional will be a bit difficult since my mom and grandmother are already depressed, and my parents have been struggling with divorce issues for a year, so it would be a burden I have to slowly lay on their shoulders... I need advice on what to do in between now and the moment I can see a psychiatrist.

    I don't want to lose my boyfriend or my friends... I'm trying really hard not to... :sad:
     
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: Sounds like your emotions are all over the place... firstly about your boyfriend do you feel like things have changed since you introduced him to your friend? Perhaps it could all be innocent but if it's really bothering you (which it sounds like it is) then perhaps a little heart to heart is in order... maybe say it feels like he's been a bit distant lately and ask if anything is wrong.

    The mood swings themselves though, do you get them mainly when you're at home? Perhaps your dad calling you fat etc is having an effect on your self esteem and maybe is a main contributor that gets you down when you're at home. Could you talk to your dad about the name calling? Maybe for some reason he doesn't realise how much it's effecting you. If you can't talk to your dad then how about your mum?

    The eating habits... I'm no expert when it comes to these issues actually I know very little so what I'm about to say may not be true but if you're not eating properly perhaps it could effect your sleeping and may have something to do with bad dreams. But then it sounds like you've got quite a few things on your plate at the moment which could be causing the restless nights.

    I do suggest you see a doctor. You say you have relatives who are depressed and you don't want to be a burden but I doubt you would be. At the end of the day you're their daughter/grand daughter and I'm sure they'd want you to be happy, and not having you crying everyday and getting the mood swings and issues with your weight. I hope you consider it.

    Take care of yourself. :hug: