I need advice

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Lost & Lonely, Apr 13, 2007.

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  1. Lost & Lonely

    Lost & Lonely Active Member

    I visited my social worker today. She of course know what I've been through regarding what I talked about in my previous posts, but she knows the details. The question she posed to me was: When I find myself in another friendship, what will I do different so that I don't get abandoned again? Basically, with my previous friend, I was very dependent on her. Our friendship began with her acting as a therapist, but later on she said she no longer wanted to be my therapist. She was the only friend I had.

    I really miss that closeness, even though I don't miss her. I long to have another friend like that again. What do you think I could do?

  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Try not to see her as a therapist.

    It sounds like she was not your friend, she was your support, and that is very different. I was a support to someone who saw me as a friend and when I talked to her about the extent she was using me she got annoyed, but she wouldn't let me go because she needed me to offload to. I couldn't deal with all her shit on top of mine so I can relate to her side of the situation.

    I'm honestly not sure that I should be answering this, because the social worker wants YOU to think about the friendship and what YOU would do differently, because it is you and ONLY you, in this situation. If you just regurgiate other peoples words, you might not be sincere about it, or mean it, and it is not you solving the problem or working it out.


    If I was in that situation, and entered into another friendship, PERSONALLY (and this is not to say it's right or wrong, or what you should do or anything), I would not tell my friend any of my problems. I wouldn't lean on them for anything. I would get to know her as a person. I woudl try to spend time with her doing fun things.

    If later in the friendship, after I had got to know the person and not her support skills, my problems arose, then maybe I would talk about them, and I would also want her to feel that she could talk to me. Support is PART of a friendship, but not the only part, and a 'friend' should certainly not be seen as a therapist.

    With regards to you, a therapist is for therapy, a friend is for a lot of other things totally. Your line seems to have got blurred somewhere, so you need to try and re-establish the boundaries between the two. Maybe if you could have your own therapist, that might help. Also, maybe make a couple of lists or spider diagrams, one for what you think a therapist should be to you, and one for what you think a friend should be to you. That might help you see the difference.

    Good luck and take care of yourself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2007
  3. Adeline

    Adeline Well-Known Member

    Hi Lost & Lonely,

    I don't think that someone is a true friend if you only regard them as a therapist. That is unfair to them as they end up feeling used and drained. You will always be abandoned in "friendships" like those because they are not true friendships. The other person will always end up feeling worthless and taken advantage of. Friends are people who you really care about, who you can confide in, who you can laugh with, who you can have fun with and who you share similar interests with. There has to be a balance. You can't just use them for one purpose alone. You won't be abandoned if you have balance in a friendship.

  4. Lost & Lonely

    Lost & Lonely Active Member

    Well, I did want to do all of those fun things that friends do, but she was always too busy. I actually did offer to listen to her problems, but she never did tak advantage of that offer.

    Now I have an idea of what she meant by saying I was taking advantage of her. :sad:

  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Maybe she saw herself as your therapist too. Obviously your relationship was a two way thing, so if she never saw you as a friend then she wouldn't want to do what friends do.
  6. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    Lost and Lonely,

    My rule of thumb is to try to be the kind of friend that I want and/or expect others to be to me. So, what do you want in a friendship? Then, be that kind of friend.

    These are very important questions to ask yourself. Great work...it sounds like you are learning how to be a better friend to others.

  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Now this is VERY good advice.
  8. Lost & Lonely

    Lost & Lonely Active Member

    That's how we started talking. We were talking one day, and the subject of friends was brought up; I mentioned I had no friends. I was also very depressed before we met. After that she kept trying to cheer me up.

    I never looked at it that way, but I wanted to be a good friend to her.

  9. Adeline

    Adeline Well-Known Member

    Hey Lost & Lonely,

    Don't feel sad. You didn't know at the time. At least you recognize it now so you can have more happy, fufilling relationships in the future.:smile: You are doing fine. Keep trying to get to the root of the problem so you can find a solution. We all make mistakes. Don't feel so bad.:smile:


  10. Lost & Lonely

    Lost & Lonely Active Member

    I just wish that I can find another friend like her, except with me not being so dependant and with that friend not abandonding me. *sigh*
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    What qualities did she have that you liked?
  12. Lost & Lonely

    Lost & Lonely Active Member

    Well, she was the first real friend I ever had. At least it seemed that way. She seemed caring and compassionate, and before I met her I never used an instant messenger. She taught me how to do that. What I also liked is that she tried to help me. She was also the only one that talked to me in class when I was in college. She was the first friend that ever sent me a birthday card. (I gave her a present from when I went on vacation.) Whenever I was feeling depressed she would do silly little things to try and cheer me up. For example, on an instant messenger I said I had no one to talk to, and she replied: "You have meeeeeeee!" Other friends I had before brought down my self-esteem. They never treated me with respect. On top of that I was bullied, so having a friend like her was a blessing.
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    So all those qualities you saw in her, maybe try and put them into practice yourself, and you could find someone like her that also treats you the same.

    Being bullied is an awful experience, and I hope that you do end up with more friends and also that the bullying has stopped now. No one deserves to be bullied.
  14. crzykidshanana

    crzykidshanana Well-Known Member

    It seems like she was treating you like a friend. Perhaps she just got a bit overwhelmed with trying to cheer you up all the time? If she started the friendship with OFFERING to "cheer you up", she left herself open to the possibility of her becoming your therapist, so it seems like she has certain quirks that she needs to work on as well.

    If you want to find friends, more than just for the sake of cheering you up all the time, than all you have to do is find what makes you happy and do it. Then, with you being happier, people will want to be your friend.

    Take up a hobby. Find something that really means something to you, and use that passion to find your own happiness.
  15. Lost & Lonely

    Lost & Lonely Active Member

    Why would my mood affect whether or not people would want to be my friend?

    Actually, I do have hobby. The last time I pursued it, it made me feel good to be honest.
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should pursue that hobby again :)
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