i guess i'm just thinking aloud here. i'm kind of wondering why i'm here or anywhere for that matter anymore. this week has really had an enormous impact on me with the situation concerning my son i posted about in the crisis forum. hearing from my son that he wanted to die this week has really gotten me to thinking. thinking unlike any i have really done before. i had decided previous to this that i was going to survive the holidays for my kids' sake. so i am thinking about them for sure, but when i am doing a little better this is easier to do. suicide has been an issue for me for 30 yrs. now, but after this week and seeing now that my son could definately be prone to it as well has got me reconsidering my stand on this. i have a date chosen actually at this point as to when i wanted everything to be done with and over. ok, simply put when i was going to end my life, but now this has come up with my son it's making me think a little more about this. people have told me 'think about your kids' as far as this is concerned and how it would effect them. i know the likihood of them doing it themselves increases by having a parent who has done it. now seeing that it's real for my son without this influence is making me feel alot of responsibility about doing this. i'm sure this is a good thing, but i'm struggling with this. i've always wanted to feel in control with something in my life and this is the only thing i've been able to find i can, and the idea of letting this go is freaking me out really. this means i would have to hope for something better when it all reality it's against everything i believe. i just don't know what to think anymore. i am responsible for my young mans life at this point and i would have to give account for myself to the man upstairs for this. my son is worth it but my life is not. i don't know that i can make it through life much longer. like i said i already have a date set. i don't know. please pardon my ramblings here. not so sure it made much sense. it's really hard for me to piece together what is going on in this head right now.