I need help but can't leave my house.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PJLane, Apr 15, 2013.

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  1. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    Hey everyone I just need to vent a little and would appreciate some advice. I haven't posted in a bit but I simply don't know what to do.

    I've been thinking about checking myself into a hospital / crisis centre just to get some help. I've been very suicidal for the last 10 months (depressed for about 10 years), but clearly haven't been able to go through with it. Unfortunately life goes on while you're trying to get up the courage to kill yourself. Since I've been thinking about nothing but ending my life, I've neglected everything and am now utterly broke. All throughout Christmas I felt like going to a doctor or keeping in touch with work was pointless as I was going to be dead soon. I honestly did not think I would be alive now. I haven't been to see a doctor / therapist in more than 6 months, and was fired from my job about 4 months ago, after being on sick leave for half a year. I have no income and no money and may become homeless soon. Where I live I'll be able to get financial support from the government. However I just feel like I am too far down to really do anything. I have agoraphobia and haven't left my house in 3 months, nearing 4. I have been trying in that time to get to my doctor but its just terrifying, and I know to get the financial support I'd have to go to more appointments, make phone calls etc and its all just too much. I don't even really have a doctor as I changed doctors mid last year but have only been to the new one once, as I've been to scared to leave the house. My last therapist dumped me as I was too suicidal and couldn't make progress.

    I feel like the only way I'll be able to get some sort of structure back to my life (and some money) is by going to the hospital. Im quite sure I could get admitted and while I don't want to be in a hospital, its the only way I'd get really hands on assistance to get the financial support organised. If I did outpatient care, they'd probably just organise the appointment and I'd have to go on my own and that just doesn't seem possible. However I'm really conflicted about being in hospital. I've never been admitted before and feel like it would be pretty hard to cope with. I don't want to take meds but know they'll be forced on me, and am scared of getting blood tests. Not to mention simply being out of my home is horrible. I just need the help to get my finances and life together. My decision was made a long time ago about how my life will end but I don't really feel ready yet, and I don't want to go before I feel ready.

    I guess I'd like to hear peoples thoughts and maybe experiences being in a hospital? I am just getting overwhelmed because each day that goes by just makes it worse and I simply don't know what to do anymore. Sorry this post is so long :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2013
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If you believe (and to be honest I also tend to believe) the hospital may help you I would strongly consider calling ambulance/emergency services on yourself. Tell them you are suicidal and need help and can't leave house and are struggling not to hurt yourself and believe you are a danger to yourself. As well as treatment likely can be set up with social services to help work on social programs to correct living/money situation.
    It would take the need for action out of your hands....
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You have set out the pros and cons of your options clearly. You do need help. Whatever advice we give you will accept or reject according to how you feel about those options. If you haven't been out for three months you must have family or friends living with and / or caring for you. What do they think?
  4. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    I've been to some kind of suicide watch for a week. I'm a teen though and in germany so I don't know how it would be like for you but I had good experience with it. Since it had been my decision to go in, I got to decide when I wanted out. They would've kept me longer but I didn't want to and was allowed home. They didn't force pills on me either or anything really. I didn't go to school nor did I have any chores. I didn't have to talk to anyone and I didn't have to pretened I was fine because everyone knew I wasn't. Even though it didn't help me permanently, it did help me get through that breakdown that I was having. The last few months have been awful for me and att that point I had been crying for like 3 or 4 days, stayed home from school, didn't go out, didn't do anything and honestly had no other option than death. I knew that for me it was either the hospital or death. By the time I came out of that hospital, I was a little better.
    I'm still not good. Suicide is still on my mind pretty mcuh 24/7 and I cut daily and I've planned suicide a few times since then (it was about a month ago) so I maybe should've stayed longer but I can't stand being closed in somewhere for too long, I need my freedom. But I did enjoy my time there. So, if your gut is telling you to go to a hospital, do it. I had no idea what it was like before I went but my gut feeling told me to go and it usually turns out to be the right thing so I did and I didn't regret it.
    Not only do the people who work there and who are also there understand, but everything is calmer. It's like you're in a different world or as if time is standing still. I think a hospital is good for a short period of time, like in a real crisis, to get back on your feet.

    (additioinal information about my sitution: i've been depressed for about 5 years i think, officially only 2 though. have been in therapy for those two years and have been on medication but i soon stopped, but will be getting new anti-depressants)
  5. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    I am living with some family at the moment. I don't really know what they think, we don't really talk. I keep telling them my appointments are coming and then getting cancelled. Its getting very stressful as they are now supporting me and financially they are struggling too. I guess I do know the options but its just very hard to make a decision. I don't feel like im at an immediate risk of suicide but I feel like im on edge constantly and at any moment everything will collapse and I will have no choice.
  6. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    I have heard that Germany does have very good psych hospitals, at least compared to the US. Its hard because I don't really know anyone whos been in one where I live, and I guess fear of the unknown is hard. TBH as well and I didn't put this in the first post, but I don't really want to get better. Ive planned my suicide and know the method I want to do and don't want 'help' as I feel like my decision is made and my future is set. But I don't want to go just yet, I guess I am ambivalent and not ready to commit to it yet. So while I don't want to commit suicide this instant, I want to in the near future. I just feel like I am under so much pressure and at I am simply running out of time. I feel like I have to kill myself because its been my plan for so long and all my time is gone. I just feel like if I could relieve the financial pressure that would be such a relief. But I feel like I cant go into hospital and say ' I need to be committed because I have no money'. I guess im concerned about what and how much to tell them.

    Everything is just so hard. I just wish I could stop time and breathe for a few minutes :sorrow:

    thanks everyone for replying. its nice to have some support.
  7. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    If you do nothing and everything collapses that is a choice you have taken by default.
    You have my sympathy, I'm incredibly tired of being alone. If I dared to dream it would be for someone to take the decisions for me.
  8. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    hang on, try to keep your head high. i know how hard it is, i can relate to what you're saying. i live with my parents and don't have to work yet, we don't have financial problems (even though i do believe i wil have them as soon as i move out) but i can relate to everything else. for these last two years, i haven't wanted to get better. i know i will commit suicide, unless i die in an accident before that, it's just a matter of time. mostly, i'm waiting to turn 18 and move to sweden, if only to visit a friend in norway before i leave this world. i still don't want to get better because i have the feeling that this depression and suicidal business, this darkness is part of me. i feel like i will lose myself if anything changes.

    but to be honest, i am so lost at the moment. i don't understand why i haven't killed myself. because i keep breaking down and i don't want to pretend i'm alright anymore. i mean, i was ready to die 2 years ago, yet here i still am.

    i guess these conversations here are the only real breather we'll get during this long run, so don't shy form keeping to post here. i have found it can help the loneliness a bit :) it's nice to talk to you as well
  9. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    why do you phone the emergency services yourself, explain you are suicidal, your brief idea of your situation and see what they suggest then worry about the finances later if that helps. get yourself checked first most important stay strong x
  10. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    well a week or so past and i didnt do anything. however i think in the next day or two i will go and see them, or call the crisis team. its really just at a point where i either have to end my life or get some immediate help.
    i am very worried that they wont think my case is bad enough and may send me home or try to treat me as an outpatient which i know wont work for me right now. But i have decided that i am going to try and be honest, and whatever happens, happens. I have been stuck in the same places for months and i need some movement, either towards getting some help, or towards my death. If they send me away, hopefully that will be enough of a stressor to get me to take the final steps.
  11. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You need to get help and you need to get the financial support. Worrying about the latter and how your family are struggling won't be helping you at all. Do one thing and at least some of the rest of the things you need will follow. With support you can recover from the current crisis and then look at what else you need.
  12. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    get the help you need, do all you can to convince them you need it. it took a lot of my courage to do the same in front of my parents. first i had to tell them and then they were completely against the idea but they gave in in the end.
    tell them exactly what you said here, that you're at the point where it's either the help or suicide. if they do their job right, they will give you what you need.
  13. PJLane

    PJLane Well-Known Member

    thanks for replying again. I am really struggling to get myself to go and make a decision. I had thought i had made my mind up and was going to go today or tomorrow but it just seems so difficult. i feel like i have to organise so many things before i go and pack so many things, and i just cant seem to get myself ready for this. And I am just getting so stressed, wondering if they will help, what the experience will be like, i am so stressed i will see someone i know. And its likely i will have to share a room and that is hard for me to deal with in itself. Its just all so overwhelming, i just cant seem to do anything at all. each day goes by and i do nothing and i am just all out of time. i just dont know what to do and there is nothing i can do.
  14. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    i know what you mean. i was worrying about the same things and i stayed from school and did nothing for one whole day before i talked to my parents because of it. in the end, i just made them take me there, without getting anything ready or packing any things or thinking about anything. i thought i would just hide in the bed the whole time, away from anyone else. turned out i had to go by the care takers and check in every 10 minutes the first two days and then every half hour the day after. i even got two room mates instead of one since they were over filled. i even met a guy from my grade there - both of us were so surprised we just stopped and stared at each other, asking "what are you doing here?!" then i found out another girl there went to my school and just recently another guy from my grade went.

    either way, you might want to try and forget all those worries and go there simply to get away from all that - worries, every day things, simply relax for a while. i mean, i now see that there are a lot of kids with similar problems and those people who work there know how to deal with these kinds of things. if anything, it's worth a try if you think it could help. don't give up just because you're afraid. if you don't like it, you can leave (at least that was how it was by me). keep fighting though
  15. Fender00

    Fender00 New Member

    I think you should go to a hospital or try to find a doctor who can use systematic desensitization or something of the sort to help you leave your house. Youd be amazed at the certain ideas doctors come up with to suit the patients needs.

    Remember its not your fault for everything thats happened to you. Many people get fixated on the past and get down of themselves but it was just due to brain chemistry which can be fixed. Sometimes without mecication at all.

    And if you go into a mental hospital its not as bad as it seems. Ive spent a year altogether in themand im only 22 they saved my life and you can meet some great doctors and even patients in there. They are all there for similar reasons and its a type of community. Medications arent the end of the world, remember you most likely wont be on them forever, they can give you the push to remember what its like to think clearly again.

    Best of luck I mean it.
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